What I Feel...

In another 1 hour and 16 minutes...

2011-01-27T22:41:00.003+08:00

This year is different. This marks the beginning of something new. Something that I should have done a long time ago. You're gonna turn older in a short time and this time I'm not gonna wish you. Which I promised you I 'll send this message each year for my whole life no matter where ever you are. I have to break that promise. If not I could never move on. Great things in the future would not reach me as I am still holding onto the past with these shaky hands. I'm not gonna lie its tempting. Now I know how much I mean to you and for even one last time to see you before you go we both cant make any effort to make it possible. It was all a big disaster. Now without you I still feel the same. But to forget the person who I knew so well, that is hard to forget. It thought me something really important but for the price of a deep cut to the core of my heart. I'm still silent. I'm still struggling. I'm fighting. I didnt read your blog for a long time now. And that lets me to let loose even more. I'm glad I'm progressing but not everything is over now. Now I know why, if we ever did make it so say goodbye, I couldnt function and you'll leave with more disappointment. Stupid.. Things could have gone better if we wer'nt like this... Nice to know you're smiling and there is nothing I could do now but to just say...

Happy Birthday

You're soon legal but dont screw up your life eventhough you are allowed to drink in public.. I cant bear to see you like that again.. You know better... :)

...empty wishes

Update : Mr. Nice Guy...

2011-01-24T23:49:00.007+08:00

Since the message on my last blog, it seems that Mr. Nice Guy could have stop responding... Is it that he already made a decision? Or its too early to judge.. lol I'm impatient... Me and my anxiousness.. Anyways.. I hope everything doesnt turn out to be bad and awkward...

..random wonders

Bk Tinggi... EPIC...

2011-01-23T15:03:00.006+08:00

I just came back from Bk. Tinggi and I seriously wont be going back there again. Time passes by so slowly and there is nothing to do there at all. Bummer... I should have brought my laptop.. The weather there is nice though.. How I wish I could bring the weather there to my own home here.. Its been long since I've updated but wth... Lol... Anyways I had the idea of working this sem break but... I dont think I'm gonna... Not in the rush of saving money for a new ipod touch... Rather I would like to take my time... I think the next release is on September.. My ipod shuffle now is almost dead and it keeps pausing for no reason.. Well I guess it is already old.. falling apart after a long life of 3 years.. Not bad fo a free gift.. People might think.. Why not get an Iphone.. Why the ipod touch? Its because my phone is not gonna die and it has a kickass camera where no apple item could beat. I am happy with my phone. A phone is a phone. An Ipod is an Ipod. I believe seperate things have its own specific speciality... Phone has buttons and a numerical keypad. Well on the ipod tough is an entertainment device. I hope I get it soon. Now exams are all over... I hope I do well.. Now I'm not praying for getting a pass for FOA but an A for IOM which I did badly... The only subject that I thought I had no problem with but at the last minute bit me right in the ass... Talk bout backstabbing subjects... I havent seen my grandparents for the longest time ever.. I dearly miss them... How I wish I could grow up faster and take care of them... They are the light of my life.. Without them I could not function and die of misery... I'm gonna see them during CNY Yay this time Its back in melacca... FINALLY!!! I miss going back to melacca all the food and my lil flat house where I wish its gonna be there forever... Happy times...

Ps: Mr. Nice Guy.. Please make up your mind.. Dont waste my time...

...uncertain break

People and their age...

2011-01-13T14:25:00.002+08:00

As time goes on, people are being more wiser and more Conscious. Well as time goes on so as age. Well as we, the society, define intelligence with their age. Some people had lived through their middle age and still not as wise as a city teenager. Not only their age but also the environment where they were raised and things that they had experienced through their lives. As for the quote " What doesnt kill you makes you stronger" is widely used I could purpose that experiences determine the wiseness of people despite of their age. The reason why I point this out is that my parents dont know my level of intelligence. How I function or how I take on a task anymore. Compared to the lil me in the earlier years, I feel that they dont know the current 'me'. It gets annoying when they still treat me as a baby and want to do things for me as I look incapable in their eyes. How the hell am I gonna grow up when you keep doing things for me. I am so pissed off with them but I cant tell them. I'm afraid that if I do tell them, they will realize that their lil gurl is growing so fast till they cant catch hold of her anymore. What is the hardest for a parent to do is to let go of their lil girl to explore the hazardous and wonderful world outside their arms. I myself know I'm ready but telling them so is a really selfish thing to do. In the same time, its killing me when they do that. So I guess I'm caught up in this situation. Am I growing too fast for my own good or the perspective of them towards their lil gurl is too slow? I think I grow faster compared to people of my age. I take quizzes in the net and it concludes that I live like I'm 40. That is a compliment nor an insult to my routine. I guess that I'm just a forty year old trapped in a 19 year old body. Epic right... I cant wait to get out of here, get my own place, and live far away from my parents. I hope I have a good life. Succeed in the essentials of life. I cant live in hell hole anymore. I want out as soon as I finish my studies and get a job. I dont mind a crappy job but just enough to get away. I need that now. I'm tired here.

...old teenager

crazieee surveys!!! numba 3 (deep thoughts)

2011-01-07T13:22:00.002+08:00

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?: looking into someones eyes and telling then how I feel...

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?: I was angry because of restrictions. Yes but I try not to..

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago nonstop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?:I'll call either D or C... I'll tell them I love them..

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?: No, I will do what makes me happy without wasting any second of it...

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust: Love.. Because trust without love is not enough for me..

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dog’s life?: Yes.. and after that I run to the office...

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?: Depends..On how much I love them.. If they are the one where I strongly believe so then I'll be honest with them...

8. Your friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?: Depends If I have feelings towards them or not.. If not then we'll remain friends...

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?: No..

11. Does love = sex?: Yes..

13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?: It was B. I told them I was sorry...

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?: Tell that you dont love them...

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?: giving up the love of my life.. Because great loves only comes once if you're lucky...

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?: never had the chance... they were amazing people...

18. Imagine: it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?: D... hehehehe

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?: Yes... Because someone is dying duhh... then afterwards I'll buy a bottle of listerine...

21. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your reason for making the decision?: The older one.. Because the old had lived life but the newborn hasnt...

22. Are you old fashioned?: not really..

23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?: My parents...

24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?: true love with a broken heart... Worth ever heartache of it... lol

25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?: I wish that I become what I wanna become in the future... Live a happy life and fall in love.. Again.. hahahahah

...behind the layers

Back to thyself..

2011-01-07T12:48:00.002+08:00

What I wanna say is I'm back to the old me... No more emoness. Just pure happiness and awkwardness.. Hehehehe... At the moment I'm studying for MacroEcons exams tomorrow. This time I really gotta study... I've been rotting for a long time now.. When exams are over, I will rot for another week and maybe work. I miss the old cafe. I miss the coffee machine. Before all of this I used to sleep to peacefully and with ease. Now, its weird cause I cant even sleep at all. I have to either gulp down some alcohol or tire myself just to sleep. I hope this doesnt drag on long before I become an official alcoholic or a hyperactive victim. This doesnt help at all with my now stressful state. I have shown signs of pimples and sleepiness these days. I look dreadful. I need rejuvenation. After B's departure, I found something quite interesting. From that onwards it changed my whole direction of life. Everything with just one picture. I immediately back off. This is not the person who I once knew. No worries. I am now very happy with C. Someone who is there. Nice to know somebody is around. Life now is rather slow and boring. Its always the predictable stuff and the daily routine. I need a spark in my life. Not love but something interesting. Something to get my blood pumping. You made my day and when you tell me stuff is as if I'm the only one here. I really like that. Its weird we have quite alot in common but sadly we're not ment to be. I cant have you if I wanted to. You're the sweetest and the most down to earth. I'm crushing quite hard but stayed calm as I am not alone myself. I know its confusing but you'll never get it. I really like what we have. I want you to be my best friend. Maybe sometime in the future when we're not bounded by our commitment. Then we'll work something out together. I think we'll be awesome. :)

...the perfect one but not mine.(yet.. hehehe)

The airport..

2011-01-03T16:10:00.007+08:00

I wanted to be a pilot.. The reasons why is that so is that I could bring people together no matter how far they're apart. I could go and explore this beautiful world because I dont know when will I die. I'm actually not afraid of death. So dying in a flash of your eye does not bother what my job requires. Though people may fear for me but most important I'm not afraid for myself. The happy part is to bring people together but the sad part is now when you're gone I realize that being a pilot also brings people away from friends and family. Sending someone who will be dearly missed by their loved ones away. I believe that not every decision is a good decision. Eventually something bad will happen. Well, that's just a part of life. I dont know where are you now. Still here or long gone but I just wanna tell you something if you're reading this. I felt something yesterday. Something made me breakdown dreadfully and I burst into tears. Just like that. Crying like I never did for a very long time. Too long to remember in fact. I hate when I am so confident in something and choked in the last minute. Now I know where am I in your heart. No where. Not anymore. I guess I'm the last to let go. I have to get over it. I wanted to see you before you go but.... All I get is no reply from you. Call it cold but I thank you for doing so. I actually didnt wanna say goodbye to you or let you know that I knew you're leaving. What the heck one after another temptation has taken my soul and I went out and reached for you. No reply... I knew you were leaving a looooong time ago. Way back when you applied for various Uni's in the overseas. I prepared myself already. I swear I wont break down. No matter how I withstand it, I couldnt. Now I know why I didnt become a pilot. a good enough reason why so. It's because no matter how many planes I'll fly or how many people that I have brought together from parts of the world, I would never bring back you. Bring back all the lies. Bring back all of the sadness. The most of all bring back time. Now as a economic student, I will learn to predict the future so that people in my future would not be hurt and lied to by me ever again. I would learn to appreciate them. Be stable. Attainable. Instead of being everywhere and live an ongoing life for the rest of my life. I wanna be settled. I dont wanna fly to another and leave them there and fly to another.

Dear B,

Hope you find this. I'm sorry for all of thing and hurt that I had caused you. I'm sorry for everything that made your life miserable. I'm sorry for you not fulfilling your dream. I'm sorry I ran back and forth. Finally I realized that I'm guilty. I am not asking for an apology. I dont wanna start over. The damage is too deep to be stitched back and heal. Eventhough it has healed it would leave a horrible scar. My prayers were answered. Bringing you away. That's what I prayed. Now even better. Further as it seems. No matter what happens, I will always remember you. The good and the ugly. But there is a last wish I hope that you forget bout me. I'm confident that we will not cross paths again. I want you to live a happy life. Away from me and all of the dreadful things in life. Find somebody who treats you right. Anyone but me. Take care of yourself when youre gone. I guess this is the end. Goodbye B.

... last tears from a quiet lion

The 10 things I hate bout myself...

2010-12-25T10:13:00.003+08:00

I've made this list cause I feel that I've been an ass. I'm sorry. By sorting out these issues with myself I hope I could be a better person.

1. I wanna go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do without thinking of others.

- this had happened for quite sometime now and I've noticed from a third persons view that

I seriously dont give a damn of stuff around me as long as I'm fine.

2. I have the habit of playing mind tricks with people.

- I might give you a message of something's going on but later forget bout it when I find

someother to mess with. I let you in and push you out when I'm bored.

3. I lie with my eyes open and keep a straight face doing so.

- I have an ability to tell lies and it is impossible to tell the difference. You dont know

whats real and fake. It's my defense mechanism. Its a habit. Its an instinct.

4. I make empty promises.

- I have made a ton of promises which are somewhat important to you but it's only

important to me in that moment only. I have lost count on how many of them not

fulfilled.

5. I suddenly get upset bout stuff for no particular reason.

- I have a roller coaster mood swing and I could be up in your face or by your side.

I could be upset easily when I expect something is coming but switch roads.

6. I have a terrible rage.

- You made me pissed the first time its cool. You made me pissed the second time you better

watch your back. The third time you make me pissed I'mma backstab you in every

oppourtunity I have.

7. I hold onto things really badly

- I hold onto stuff for a very long time and I am very determined and stubborn about

pursuing it. I never back down even everything asks me to.

8. I am a perfectionist.

- I get pissed off when things arent done right or turned out what I have in mind.

9. I silently hate people and never tell why is that so

- I secretly hate you and everytime I see you I feel like I'm wasting daylight entertaining you.

I never tell anyone why and leave thing unsolved.

10. I keep everything in my heart

- Even my best friends of more than 10 years dont know who am I. I never tell the anything

bout me. I always live in a shadow. I tell then nothing bout my life.

I think from reading this you dont wanna be my friend anymore. But this is the ugly side of me. I hope that this doesnt effect on what you think about me. I'm trying to change. I really am. This list in my 2011 resolution to becoming a better person the world can love.

... the ugly me

Cant sleep..

2010-12-22T13:52:00.002+08:00

I felt tired. Just wanna close my eyes and float away to somewhere which I was familiar with. As I close my eyes I felt different. Like somebody who the world had never seen. A living shadow. A white phantom who floats along with the mists of the morning. All seem to real when I feel or experience something which was not even there for the reality but as a creation in my twisted mind. A great gift which no one knows and treasure. Nobody but me. Some fantasy which makes me realize something more than others as they overlook the finest detail of time. Experiences. Moreover feelings. They always label something so subjective yet similar to ones eyes. Ones feelings and situations. Without labels there will be no clue of explanation of the feeling or moment described. Can something so subjective which we go thru everyday of our lives be labeled? Be categorized and be judged? As I turn from side to side I feel there is no border. No boundaries where dreams often tangled up with reality. I live in delusion. Often dangerous where it tend to claim lives and souls who cant seem to take it anymore who jumps to hell from the very top of the building straight through ground puncturing the earth's crust all the way to hades lair. I know some did. As things makes us more delusional, do we know the difference anymore? I woke up in the crack of dawn. Seeing the sky pitch black wondering if its night or day without looking at the face of time which draws borders in our lives. The more civilized the more borders society draws. Will early stone age men know what are borders? Boundaries? They simply act at his own will and let life takes him where he ends up. He doesn't care if the heavens or hell will accept his soul when he dies. Realizing all of this, I know there are no borders with you. I know how you feel even you're a lightyears away. I feel you. Is there anyone could explain to me how does this happen? Or am I delusional?

...on the border of fantasy and reality

I'm kinda sorta maybe happy???!!!

2010-12-19T22:21:00.003+08:00

I havent felt like this for a long time now. I developed a feeling towards you and I, at always have to take control of myself. I really like you but I cant go further. You're not what I thought I'll be falling for cause you're not like any other as I've seen. You're special and this quality that you have is extremely rare. I'll say yes if you want to but currently I cant. I'm not that type of girl. Be true to yourself and be true to others. I dont wanna cheat my way to your heart. Not again. I dont want this to happen. I know. I paid my price. It seems that I'm rather afraid that this year would end. I wonder what will it be like the next? Will it be happier? Will it be more exciting? I seriously dont know. I'm glad what I prayed for came true. You got what you wanted. Something which makes you happy. To tell you honestly, every time I pray and wish for something is that you'll be happy even I'm not there. Live a happy life and just be the person who I know you are. Congratulations you archived it. I will always remember you as if it had left something in my heart. Times like these are the most beautiful and times like these are the most heartbreaking. I have times which I had broken down and I had times I built myself up. This is your time... Good luck..

...mr. ?, prayers, and an old friend.

Moving on...

2010-12-16T18:29:00.004+08:00

I'm so totally absolutely over B. But I wont forget bout B. Remember what is was and hope to experience it again. I guess I had gotten over something which I had been holding onto for about 4 plus years now... I am proud of myself.. Bye..

...its gone all gone :)

You had to know..

2010-12-12T11:38:00.004+08:00

I have a confession.

Now that you're gone I dont feel sad.

Eventhough its far too late.

Very soon that you know what I truly feel .

Everyone cant see through me but you did.

Rather ridiculous but I promise you its true.

Saw you for the last time a year ago.

Thought everything will be ok. But it didint.

Odd enough you invited me there. I went.

Presumably you thought I'll stay with you but no. I left.

Lost you and there's no turning back.

Of course you already forgotten about me.

Very reluctantly I still held on.

I woke up today and the feeling is gone.

Nothing I could remember of you.

Going away without saying goodbye I had to do to you.

You're soon gonna be half way around the world.

Obviously you wont miss me.

Unbearable truth I coming towards me. What can I do to ask you to stay?

...the hidden message.

PS: Read all of the cap. letters.

What can I do?

2010-12-08T21:40:00.003+08:00

How I wish that I have the powers of GOD for only a day. Everything will be different. Everything will not be hidden anymore. The truth will be unleashed. I seriously don't know what to feel. Should I feel insecure again or feel relieved that you're gonna leave? Should I break down and cry my hear out or should I just stare at the moon saying my goodbyes. I have come to a conclusion. I cant do anything to change the fact. Even with the powers of god I still wouldn't do it. I guess now I understand that when you love someone too much it will fail terribly. You cant hold onto someone forever. Even you have found your true love and lived happily forever someone must die first and leave the other alone. Nothing is forever. I knew it a long time ago but kept it from myself. Even my message to you I haven't got a reply after a week. I guess its easier for everyone. I know. I understand.

...the hands of god

The Immortal...

2010-12-03T10:14:00.002+08:00

I was born and I was given love at the very first breath. I grew older and met people with a different kind of love. Friendship. Later at 9, I had a passionate love. Love of sports. I decide to give as much love as I can as it also loves me back. I was really on top of the world with this love. Its like nothing will ever stop me from loving it. All of it. Later I got a pet dog and I fell love when it licked my face and its cute fluffy fur. I melted. It was different. I had to take responsibility to love it. That kept me loving it for years. Later I was struck with love at my very first sight at 14. Te feeling was out of this world and it did gave me some kind of secure and insecure sense of my state. I was heads over heels. I never felt this before and I wanna to know more. As soon as I reach a year older, I was overwhelmed with joy. Something made me know that I wasn't alone feeling this. I was caught off guard and remembered every moment of it. Its like embedded in my mind and no matter how much I tried to shake it, it would never leave. That love for that year was out of this world. The amount of words I put to describe it is never enough to paint the exact feeling or situation I was in. I indeed was in cloud 9. Floating as if I could never fall back to earth. The year ended and I though love was going to fade away. I cried and I though it was over. When I was 16, I fell in love again. This love wasnt like the first one. I loved and later it grew paler and paler as time goes by. I dont understand how could the first love be more powerful than the second as I spent more time with the second. I still couldnt understand why. I tried to find the reason why by analyzing and asking a million of questions where nobody could answer me. All I got was 'fate'. That made me think. How could the first be so choreographed and sculpted to perfection and then burned by the flame of misery and the devil, time. Though it was all caught in flames, the spirit and the soul still remains. It came back and hunt me from time to time where I still have images of you. I kept having dreams till reality for me had gone blurry. There are time I hallucinate in broad daylight and feel things that weren't there at night. I had a problem. I knew I needed help. I called a friend and she made me wake up. For only a moment. Then I was then back to my old habit again. Now I have no love. No love for anything and everything is meaningless to me. Just a black shadow. I live in darkness. A world with no colour. When I knew, I count the days till you leave for something more important. I knew this had to come. I am prepared. I will break down and that moment will stick to my mind. I will continue on my life and do whats best for me. Go to UK and perhaps work there if its possible. Then I'll save a lot of money and migrate to where you are. Staying in San Francisco or New York. From every free time there I'll find you with clues you gave out. I will live hunting. And when all hope is lost I will watch upon you from far. Knowing that you're always happy and have a great life. Life with no regrets. Whatever it takes. Like a guardian angel looking after you. When I die at around 82, I'll take my last breath and close my eyes with the memory of you. The thought of you. And everything that I loved. This is love. Love is the immortal.

.... my immortal

Change...

2010-11-24T16:21:00.002+08:00

Not everything is forever and innocent anymore... There are places and people who we're gonna meet and probably change the way we are. I admit that change is a very powerfull thing and it has not right or wrong direction where its headding. I got emotionally affected by this as what we knew never stays the same forever. Eventhough we're the same person. I am greatly shocked and dissappointed for you. We knew each other for a loooooooong time and based on that I thought I had know you indise and out. But no. Not anymore. I have opened my eyes to the real you. The person who you're gonna be and the distance as it gets further and futher apart. I dearly miss you. I want to be right back where we were innovent and everyone was happy. No bullshit. No lies. No backstabbing and No politics. I really got fed up with all of you and there were time I given up. I dont want to be near or around you anymore.can you just be the past and stay there. Sounds like I've changed. I admit I have. Well as change is what we cant avoid or divert to. I'm sorry to say that I dont want to be in your world anymore.leave me in peace where I could only change for good and be good till theday I die. I dont want to end up like you. I dont need help from my parents or my friends. I must learn to stand firm before it is too late. I need to learn it the hard way. I dont blame my parents of being the devil sometimes. I really appreciate it. I hope that you guys see this clearer than fantasy cloud-ing your sight now. Its never too late.

...for better or worse, for richer or poorer

What have I gotten into??

2010-11-23T18:45:00.003+08:00

Status

Days passed and comes the time to update my dusty old blog.. So during the weekends I went to Ipoh for no certain reason. Randomly too. I woke up and my dad said pack your bags we're going to Ipoh. Quite frozen and in denial but I followed. I didnt wanna go because acconting exams were on monday. That freaked me out but I packed it along. Reached there and I was stuffed with Ipoh's local food 24/7. I never felt hungry or something close to it. I got so hyper and drank 2 iced white coffee one after another. Lastly went to a nearby waterfall and spent quite some time there. It was beautiful and relaxing. But the accounts was still in my mind. What a I to do? The next day back home I woke up at 5.30 am just to study accounts. And the test took its place a few hours later. I got a good feeling that I passed my coursework. God help me. I need all the luck I need.

... prayer

Dream I

This happened the day before Ipoh. You were in some dinner and I say you. I was in the corner standing and was looking for something to do. No one there was familiar to me and there were crowds of people which I havent met before. Weird I was there. Attending it. You were talking to somebody and I saw you. Your friend left. You suddently turned to my direction. I saw you but I didnt look away. That moment was what I remembered last time when it had happened a few times. That feeling came back again. That dream still echoed my mind as I see it everytime whenever I close my eyes.

...why??

Shittyness and disappointment...

2010-11-13T22:23:00.002+08:00

Yesterday my grandma had some severe eye sore and at 12 midnight my mom rushed her to the nearest clinic for treatment. Unfortunately, many of them were closed. Finally she went to a hospital. The doctor said that my grandma may have a ruptured nerve or a mini stroke. For better consultation she was advised to got to Uni Hospital. They came back at almost 2 am in the morning. Actually it doesnt happen like that at first, the actual reason that this happened is because of my dumb-wit uncle and my nonsensical aunt who had a fight with her causing her to get so stressed out and in tears. The verdict? A scenario about some maggie me. I mean WTF?!! Nevermind.. Today I was awaken by my grandma's phone call. She said that her eyes were worse and needed help. I jumped out of bed and told my mum. We rushed there and took her to our house to wait for my dad and granddad to come back. We thought that nobody was home then but... my irresponsible aunt was. WoW... Later around 12 ish we went to Uni Hospital and waited for the consultation. Almost 4 hours wasted there doing nothing and my grandma was in so much pain till my heart start to feel heavy. All I can do is watch and there nothing that I could do to make it go away. I felt stupid and useless. But I kept hoping that she'll be alright. The general doctor called the eye specialist to come and consult and there another hour had gone. Later check-ups were made and she was then admitted to the hospital. While settling down there we went and ate and to get her stuff from her house. Now this part is just wrong and sickening. While I help my granddad to pack, my fucking uncle and his asshole wife were watching tv happily as if nothing was happening. They knew that my grandma had admitted to the hospital but in them I DIDNT see a glimpse of EMPATHY OR CURIOSITY OR JUST PLAIN FUCKING ANYTHING IN THEM. I mean WTF man you fucking mom is in the hospital in so much fucking pain which you are responsible off and you are giving the I DONT GIVE A FUCK attitude right infront of you dad. Just plain cold creatures and to top it off my granddad was so disappointed till he wanted to move out and live alone rather than to put up with a FUCKING BASTARD SON WHERE HE THINKS HE IS SO FUCKING GREAT. Well if anything happens I WILL NEVER FORGIE YOU AND I DONT EVER WANT ANY FUCKING THING TO DO WITH YOU as I already know you are some fucking monster which I was so unlucky I was related to you. The FUCKING uncle which I dont wanna have. YOU MADE EVERYBODY'S DAY!! THANKS MOTHAFUCKER!! If she knew she had a son like you she rather stuff you up her pussy when you were still a fucking child with nothing. Be carefull before karma turns around and bite you in the ass and your nuts.

...old people are still people asshole!!

ps: Be good to old folks and never abandon then or push them away because without them you will be on some fucking period pad and in some dried up cum in some firkin toilet bowl...

The End

2010-11-07T23:03:00.003+08:00

I guess you got what you want. Though heavy hearted, I have to make it the best of it. Next year is gonna be different. Very different. I hope you do well this time. And I think this is much better for you rather than what you had originally planned. I hate this phrase and most of the time I never ment this but I just want you to hear me say it : I'm happy if you're happy. This sentence takes alot of me to say it out. Neverless mean it. I cant cry anymore. Maybe its too early to do so. I bet you're jumping on your bed happily. Just cant believe things passes by so fast. I just wanna see you for one more time. Just once. I gotta let go....

...words from a heavy heart.

The End

The status of a girl and her basketball...

2010-11-05T22:28:00.004+08:00

I dunno what made me crashed yesterday... I cant sleep.. I cant do anything. I had so much to tell you but I didnt have the chance to do so. When there is a chance right infront of me, I'm afraid to speak or open my mouth. I get all twisted.. Tied up.. and you went away. I'm afraid that what I say to you I couldnt take back ever. Or risk losing you. I'm so fucked up. I bet this part of the story would never reach you. Never been said or remembered by anyone but me. Ok done with the sad part now comes the good part... Hahahaha... My best friend and my best friend are together. So I'm darn happy.. Lol.. I admit it might be weird but I hope everything stays the same and us joking around and talking crap. I've seen it coming last sem already but I dont wanna spoil the moment..Hahaha. I saw all the signs and hints but for the fun of it... Kept quiet. I've always been quiet. Back to me.. I have to study ITS. I REGRET not listening and skipping lectures. I am uneducated. I have to put my foot down and stand firm. I want an average 3.65 cgpa for me diploma. I want to go to UK. I want alot of things which I only can get for myself. My expectations are really high and flaws are not acceptable. Basketball training is on thursday and I am going. I'm afraid that at 9 pm in TBR is gonna be scary since the crime rate there is high and there are lesser busses at that time. I'm afraid. Hope that nothing is gonna happen. I am too young to die or have some phycological problem or knocked up. I'm afraid..will you tell me its gonna be ok? Would you care...I guess you dont even know or ever less care... Just wanna say the fire in me had not been burned down. I'll keep playing..Playing for you... To remember you.. To have the feeling of the game again...

The ball has feelings... Just treat it right and it will go where ever you want it to go.. - you

...the basketball story

ignored message...

2010-11-01T20:57:00.002+08:00

I recently texted you because I was wondering how are you and what have you been up to. Just curious but I waited and waited till the next morning. No reply. This is not the first time this had been happening but I am sure you received my message but you refuse to reply. I wonder why? This is not the first time you have done this but I dont go paranoid about it because there are maybe other circumstances where you cant get back to me. I was trashed. A simple reply makes a big difference and make someone feel better. Eventhough there were things which had rattled our relationship but I am not that immature self which puts the past behind and be forgotten. I wanna remember you. In all of the ways you were. To tell you the truth. I definitely missed you. I wanted to see you. But I'm sorry you cant come first. You'll always be the second. I got over it and I bet you did too. Eventually you'll find out what was happening all along under your blinded sight. I think you knew. Thats why you wanna forget me. I understand. It was selfish. I think there is still a lil spark left by me in your heart. You just hid it from everyone including yourself and the world around you. Everyone but me. I felt it before. I know. Just dont want it to end like this. Maybe in the future where we meet again and say our goodbyes to before its too late to see you again. I want it to be memorable. Like B. It was picture perfect but Cinderella has to back early before her magical spell vanishes in your eyes reveling the timid truth about her. Always a victim of time. Your archenemy. Your demon. My reason for not being there for the both of you. Its more safer this way before you plunge too deep beyond returning to reality. I'm sorry if its too late.

...the call of my ringtone

The box...

2010-10-27T14:44:00.005+08:00

I have a confession... I just wanna tell my deepest darkest secrets to someone. Someone who would never judge me on my actions and I know that they will forgive me at the end. Without worrying that my secret will leak out to the public and accept me for who I am. And the aftermath, I feel much better. Cant believe I'm wishing for a box with some random person inside to make me feel better. It can be any species of box, red box, wooden box,tall box, small box, tissue box, cardboard box, Xbox... hey??!! that's not it... LOL.. I'm not a spiritual person but I want a confession box. Inside that box will hold all of my secrets after I have done telling them and later just close it and put it away. When anyone opens it up, its empty. When I open it, it is also empty. As t helps me to forget what I have said and to move on. Its stupid to wish for a box. But I bet it will somehow help me.

all it takes is a call..

2010-10-24T18:05:00.002+08:00

I know its stupid. Farfetched.Disgusted. But I know now what I am. What I am capable of. All grown-ed up. I cant hold onto things which was already gone 3 years ago. I have to move on. And I realize that someone special has taught me things which I had thought her sometime back. The student teaching the teacher. Hahahaha... Thanks J. You made me realize. I deleted B's blog and everything which I was holding on related to B. Its final. I need someone to pull me out of this. I'm stronger. I dont wanna know so much anymore. Its tiring.

..no more waiting for a change

Dream 2...

2010-10-21T15:48:00.002+08:00

I woke up from yet another strange dream. This time I was in some type of campus or school Everything I hear ends with an echo and the sight feels dreamy. I was in school. About to get ready for my basketball match. I got my red jersey in my bag. I went to the toilet to change into my jersey as the match is beginning soon. It was actually a shack. Cold and badly built which has only cement floors which has been stained by the water it had bathed it for ample time. As I began to change, a guy walks in. I shouted at him. "Hey its a girls toilet la." He went out with an akward stare. Not long later another guy walks in, this time I got pissed. I told him off and took my stuff to the guys toilet to change which was empty. I went in and came across some guys who asked me to go out. I started to panic as I had only 10 seconds to get into the court to play. I didnt wanna change and time zapped through my thoughts as I was thinking of what to do. Times up. The whistle was blown. There were the howls and boo's thrown at my face. I was dumbfounded. I was hated. I knew what they expect from me. I didnt give myself to them. I was a wasted player who fretts and stammers. A loser. Then things were a flashing white light. I was on a bus ride to somehwhere. I look out at the window looking at the scenery of a sports day happening without a presence of a loser. I felt left out. But not emotionally. I went to the principals office and I was told that I was suspended from any sporting event ever for my whole life. I took it and went out of the room with a straight face. No tears. No words. Just a heavy lump in my pressure building chest. Then I saw B. Smiles are brought back to sully face. But still emotionless. B approached me and whispered into my ear. "I did it." B took my hand and led me up to a stairway. Used only for emergencies it was empty and dark but still visible through a ray of light from a high window. B sat down on the stairs. B werent speaking but you knew something was wrong with me. Something you see beyond what my face shows. Only you knew how. I hugged B but you wernt in motion.In a trance but B didnt repel. Soon B gave in and held me too. B said " Come away with me'. Soon B left but a folder of papers had taken B's place. I took it and went to my study table to examine it. It was full of brochures with B's pencil scribbles on it. As if B was guiding me to the plan that B had created. There was a flyer of B's campus which looks like it was on a highland with dutch-like designs to it. B circled a course. Economics. Lolz. Smiles and sillyness of B was on my mind. As I look further, there was a promotional leaflet of a macbook pro. Markings on the paper were "You I'll be needing this. Its around 4000." To my amazement you knew what I wanted. But I had already bought it. And lastly details of my room rent. B was trying to fake a random room rent so that I'll be staying with B. It says " a friendly room mate, beautiful penthouse overlooking the hills, everything you need plus.. its free of charge." B really knew how to temp me.Then it stopped. I want to leave this shithole soo bad and to just go far far away where you are. But I cant face my parents the fact. Then I woke up. I still could feel B. I know B is around. With me.

...things which are not ment to be said but feel

leaving on a jet plane...

2010-10-19T18:08:00.003+08:00

I remembered that day when I thought that you're leaving. I broke down. I got paranoid,crazy infact. I though I was going to lose you. I didnt sleep for a week since that day. Picturing what will it be when there is no chance of bumping into you or to see you again. That swept my smile away. Thank god I had a quite long holiday. But that wasnt enough for me to get over you. When you're gone, not in my sight, thats what I thought but you kept coming back. I was over you then you came. I fell for you again. Till a certain point where you were fed up. I was broken even more. Beyond repair. In despair. That fucked up my life a lil and there goes my scholarship of being a pilot. Now in college away from school and you, I had quite a recovery. Thought I was totally over you. Until, the fact of you going away for real. To someplace beyond my reach across the ocean and through the continent far and wide. Where we are not under the same moon or sun. Its like the distance of a thousand stars. My heart really broke today. I was struggling to hold my tears the whole day and wearing the always protective mask which I have. Though all smiles I was blinded in my own tears. Trying to keep the sadness in my empty soul. All I can feel now is the pressure of erupting. There are times where you can make me go insane and there are times I'm fully human. I keep having dreams which seem so real to be true about you till the line between fantasy and reality blurs. I'm trapped. I cant see the line anymore. I'm blinded. I had to keep myself busy. Had alot of coursework to do. Hope its enough to keep my thoughts busy. To think of it I had to let you go. I knew it all along but I keep lying to myself that the date would never come. All of this seems useless when your truth slaps me in the face. I want you to move on. See the world and experience new things. But all of your future and happiness comes a price. My pain and my sanity. I am willing to give that to you. Whatever you want. Errrhemmm... I'm choking on my tears. Tears tears tears everywhere. Its peeling from the corer of my eyes now. I better stop. I need a moment. Go... just go.

...the last heartbreak

The Final Phase

2010-10-10T10:03:00.002+08:00

All of the heartbroken-ness and the tears had finally come to an end for me. I still miss you and wish things could have been better. I want whats best for you. A future but without me being there to enjoy and witness all of the barriers and celebrations with you. To see you smile and lightened up again after a heavy storm is like I'm about to drown and in complete darkness and somehow there is life being implemented into my dead body. If you're wondering I had being broken and somehow I managed to put back all of the pieces not completely but it starts to take shape. Picking the sharp shards of broken glass with wounded hands is what its like. I glad to say I had lived through a heartbreak the first one and followed by a broken crush. I actually feel more stronger and less afraid of what this earth is gonna throw at me. I'm glad the last thing what you have taught me was to break me and to learn myself how to pick up the pieces. I thank you for that. For everything. I found and old folder in the computer and it was some outdated blog posts and msn chat conversations. I reread it and I was clearly a stupid ass for love. Hahahaha.. silly me :).... I had realized all of this when I met somebody in the lrt.. Somebody I dont know but somehow I sense a connection. Though I'll never see you again you had made me realize that its not over. I still have a long way ahead. More stories and thoughts to come...

Thank you anonymous person in the lrt

...after a bad dream comes a good day

something shocking...

2010-10-06T17:37:00.003+08:00

I stopped playing sports and not getting back to it at the moment.... I guess I had to retire my bruised and battered body for something lighter for an older me... haigh my back hurts and my right elbow starts to make some funny cracking noise when I raise and lower it. My left wrist is also retarded... somehow it stopped me from putting hard pressure on it cause it hurts.... I wonder how will I survive till I'm 60 in this condition when I'm 18??!!!!

....curiosity of a battered soul

First post of the month of October...

2010-10-05T18:07:00.002+08:00

Recently went to melacca for a makan trip because of missing melacca food to much. I haven been back for almost 8 months and damn things had changed.... The eye on malaysia is taken down... Roads had been rerouted. And also the dataran pahlawan shopping square had also expanded. Wow cant believe that I had been away from that long for so many changes to be made. And going there had made me eat 24/7. I ate 25 sticjs of satay chelup,a packet of nasi lemak kukus with additional kangkung, and 4 puttu piring just ONLY for dinner. To top it of I ate 2 plates of mee goreng and 2 fried eggs for breakfast. That made me sick... lolz That had made me not eating for the whole of monday. Today I just had my sem 1 results and to tell you guys the truth I did quite okey-ish. I got 3 A's and 1 B- and a C+. CGPA of 3.375... I cant believe I pass my accounts. Whatever maybe its just luck I guess... Dont know at the moment whether my result sucks anot cause it;s my first exam in college. Hope this sem I do better. At least all of the subjects seems ok but on paper its another story. Hope I do well.

when I was shaking internally I thought of you,

I was really scared and search for the feeling that you're there,

Everything happened that day I'll use it for the stormy days ahead,

knowing that everything will eventually be ok and just put my foot one after another.

...positivity

post report for sem 1 holidays...

2010-09-22T17:27:00.002+08:00

Ahhhh... 3 weeks had gone passed now and I actually have an interesting yet kinda exhausting holiday but the least productive one. First things first I didnt work.. Hahahaha not needed to cause I dont need anything in particular for now.... Got my new laptop and installed gta san anderas in it.. got kinda hooked and finally finished the game... Erm... Owh.. Raya food was ok ok.. Not as nice as usual and now its frikin expensive.. Other than that Shah Alam is like a ghost town. Almost car-less and the street where my house is is really dark as many weren't at home. It was really a quiet raya. But surprisingly Pyramid was packed. Weird??!! Lolz... After raya my grandfather went on a trip with his colleagues to Thailand!! So happy for him!! We encouraged him to go as the fare was cheap and were partially paid by his school. He was a changed person when he came back and so wanted to take me and my sis there to see the things he saw. He was so amazed and happy as he didnt regret going at all. I love him very much... And I had to attend my relatives funeral as she gave way to cancer. She was ill for quite sometime now and she was a really kind and caring lady. I was quite close to her as I use to go to her house way back during my Bukit Jelutong days. Rest in peace... I am glad that she not need to suffer anymore but sad cause she is such a great soul. Later right after the funeral... August's Farewell as he going to uk to study.. I'll miss him though. I wonder one day we will slowly being shipped off to somewhere and there will be farewells to come in the future. Dont forget us 'gus'!!... To sum up my holidays, my great grandfather was admitted to the hospital recently. He is kinda i a critical condition because of his old age. He is 96 this year. I visited him yesterday in Uni Hospital and he was breathing heavily as his lungs are filled up with fluids. Its sad to see him like that as he was fighting for ever breath. Hope he pulls through. To end my holidays, I think that I'll be going back to melacca for a day or 2 just to pleasure myself with the local food there... Hah!! Cher.. I am going back after all... Wan tapau for up anot??? But there is just one thing left in my mind.... When will they upload the sem 2 timetable for SBS??? Hmmmm.. hope its soon as I dunno when and what time I had to be in college to attend my first class in the second semester... Had to work hard already... Have been rotting for 3 months without worries... I actually missed the lrt though...

.. see you soon

Hollow Heart...

2010-09-17T09:16:00.002+08:00

When all of these bullshit is over I feel empty. Not as lively and whole as before. No spirit. No future. I rather feel something eventhough it hurts rather than feeling this. I am miserably and officially emotionless. I havent felt like this before. When before I met you, I dont remember anything. Nothing. When I first fall for you I remember everything. I remember you. I at least remember something. I although it always felt like a dream but I kept looking for something to remind me that it was real. Believable. Trustable. Soon I will find you. Eventhough whoever you are is halfway across the earth I'll find you. At least tell you how much you mean to me. Till then I'm free. I'm able to fall in love again.

... confessions of my hollow heart

Grrrrrr.....

2010-09-13T13:54:00.003+08:00

I'm so fascinated by how chefs make such good food with some ordinary cheap stuff which they find in their kitchen and turn it into some gourmet dishes which people pay big bucks for.. Really inspiring but there are too many of those fishes in the sea..Much too common. No harm cooking as a hobby. So to make food which I always make taste perfect here's the solution :

Study+ Time+Job=$$$

therefore $$=food (good food)

....just a random post for a food lover

Why do I run?

2010-09-08T16:14:00.004+08:00

I notice there is something wrong with me. I tend to run away from things when I have them. I admit it's a problem. I know people had enough of me running but they still kept quiet. I know I felt it too. I just cant stand doing so. I wanna make a confession to all of you. The first thing I'll say is I ran away from my friends. Everytime you guys ajak me go out or do something I always have the habit of saying " Cannot why so last minute?!!" " Huh so far?? Dun wan la" " Cannot la something has come up. Have fun anyways" Familiar right. I know. The main reason is because of my parents. Eveytime when I wanna go out they tend to fight. Its always noisy when I wanna go out. Resulting my mood is spoiled the whole day. I'm not afraid to tell you that I have a very serious phobia.. Worse than butterflies... Its the noise and scene of my parents fighting. Many of you dont understand I'm glad many wont. You dont wanna be in that position. So because of that It's the main reason that I cant go out. I cant go anywhere without supervision and to make things worse I cant do anything bout it. I almost came to a brink of depression but not willing to give in. I believe that I dont have it. Out of curiosity I went and "google" the symptoms of depression. The symptoms matched. I wasnt surprised. I kept denying it. And still is. Another thing is the fact when I had to leave early and out of the blue or in the middle of something. I had to if not I cant go out as much anymore. I felt like being caged. Its cause of a phycological thing which sticks to me... I sorry guys... I really am. I dont think you guys will understand but I really want you guys to.

..house arrest

yay!! for now...

2010-09-04T18:14:00.002+08:00

Finally I finished my sem 1 exams... So relieved and the best thing is I dont have to even bother doing time series ( chap in QS, quantitative studies). I'm still glad eventhough I dont have any idea how to do 3 probability questions. I lost 9 marks but wth. I wanna do something while having my 3 weeks of holiday now. I wanna make cookies and lagsania and other stuff which required an overn. I bought a new OVEN!!! Finally, and I could do more kinds of food with it. Other than that, I'm gonna drive the new car that we traded the kenari for. And I'm so excited cause its my dream... brand. Not the car I dreamt of but close enough. Although its around 11 years old but it still works like magic. Cant wait... HEHEHEHEHE!!! I wanna watch moonlight renassaince (ka hou yuet yuen : in canton )again. Still so addicted to it eventhough I had watch it already sometime back. So happy finally a break since I had to get up at 6am just to study the stupid quantitative studies till around 11am. After that, I studied summore in the lrt. If I fail, I dont know what to say. Maybe just give up and do something else. Something which makes me happier than business. Having second thoughts sometimes about the course which I have choosen but I had already gone quite deep in it already. I cant picture myself somewhere with some other friends doing some different course. I have great friends here. I'm lucky. hahahah

Just wanna tell ya'll that have fun bbq-ing!!! and dont drink and drive and dont stay up so late partying without me :)!!!! lolz....

...happy ever after ( for now.... )

The Answer I would die for...

2010-09-03T16:57:00.003+08:00

I could break down easily.. Shattered within a second. I could wake up the next day with a smile on my face. I could be the best that I could ever be. Makes everything effortless. Even pain couldnt stop me from doing anything. I was strong and unstoppable. Regardless of anything or anyone who would turn their back on me. Fearless. All of which I am when I'm with you. Perhaps it's love. Or is it just an illusion of what I felt. Now after a few years now I still cant get you off my mind. It's coming back. I may seem disloyal but deep inside I had already given my heart to you. Given everything. It may look like I'm with another but I am darn sure that I could never feel what I felt when I'm around you. Or as simple as talking to you. Severely kept inside my heart for a long time so deep till you cant even see it. I' m sorry. I was wrong. You got hurt. I got a giant scar and swollen eyes from the rain that it had cause me. I believe that its true. It was always there. You just had to keep it inside, deep inside where you dont need to take it out or show it to anyone even yourself. I could bet my life it was there. After all of this I still have hope. I still have strength. I still have the feeling. and the most of all I'm still waiting. I hope that I could find the key that I had lost. I hope I find it soon. I'll find you, somebody, I will take myself half way across the world, hoping to find you. Till then please wait. I know we'll grow old. Will meet many wonderful people and will fall in love. I'm not searching for the love but an answer that I had to know. Wish you well. And be strong for yourself as things in life may hurt you. I cant be there. I cant be seen. But I know I can be felt.

...the interdict answer

all i need is the drive...

2010-08-28T23:26:00.002+08:00

Now currently studying microecons I am trying to fight the fact that my bed is calling out for me. I am doing my best to not hear its call. he only thing which stands in its way is the fact that something I have made me realize and be more aware of what am I suppose to do, what is more important and the most important of all the willingness to do something. A drive which I had lost years ago which made me do things I could only imagine. I felt like I was possessed in a good way weirdly and just stop being the usual slacker me which things just slide to me effortlessly. I felt such a cheat when I have control over my imagination and the mentality of my brain. It is when sometimes you just dont control or think what you're doing and just appear in the moment when you open your eyes. Its something that I had not used in a long time and I'm trying to work it out again. I hope that this thing I'm gonna do doesnt have any side-effects and misunderstanding towards others. As it did happened before, I dearly sorry as I was acting with my brain instead f my heart. Anyways, I did have an interesting day and the night had just started. Hope my brain doesnt fries up when I need it so dearly tomorrow.

...mind control freak

really... levia really??!!

2010-08-26T20:22:00.003+08:00

I dont know what else to say here but I just felt like updating my blog. I do have a question lurking and lingering around my mind and here it is " Has your dreams somehow had crossed your reality?" For me I dream all the time. That is why I like to sleep and just shut down. I dream of everything I want and actually dream of many happy endings with people who are so special and important to me but I'm not in a chance to be with them. Call me a lunatic but I am starting to lose it. I dont bother whatever is gonna happen in reality as long as I can sleep and dream. I have been questioned by my parents why do I sleep so much till they convince me to see a doctor or something. I guess this is slowing eating my sanity away. I totally freaked out and I'm too blurred. Stuff and places which I have dreamt had actualy came to reality and it freaks me out. Suddently I came across something that was so familiar and I havent been into that place before. Not only places but also people. I wonder if my dreams are actually potential future stuff. Ok now I'm being stupid and farfetched. Its ok to think about weird connections to stuff which actually do happen once awhile.

...symptom : to much 'inception'

the question where many pause when asked...

2010-08-23T18:31:00.002+08:00

The magic question.. " Is it worth the feeling of love when you eventually know its gonna hurt?" I was inspired by this question when it hit me as I was reading a blog of my friends. Some may think twice upon answering some might ignore it but a handful others will say yes. I have been amazed how love can transform someone and make people do things they only could dream of. Believe me I had been a believer since it happened. Though it was a long time ago, this thing called love I had not a clue what it was. How it happened and why does people are willing to do amazing and sometimes stupid things caused by it. My amazement about love had left me question the unanswered. To come to think of it, love changes the world and many happenings which had happened had a link to love. Some people fight for it, some die for i and some might even live by it. I know the feeling of it and the feeling of hurt. It not only had give people faith but also the many unsung others scars which they die together with. So if I ever was asked this question this is how I'll reply. " Love doesnt come and go as often. Some had waited forever but it hasnt reached to them. There cant be many who can take hold of my heart and the simple word of I love you could make you tear and weaken your foolish heart. For all of the love I had felt and lost. I think for each second of the presence of love around you in your whole heart. I know it is worth every second of my life that I'm lucky enough to feel it for just once."

Now I know why...

...the most beautiful thing of all mankind

when all you have is a hint of hope left...

2010-08-22T10:31:00.002+08:00

After all along, I know that "this" wont happen again. Even if I wanted it so badly, I know deep inside I'm too late to reach out for it. As I dwell along this life I have following the wind wherever it takes me, I hope that somehow I'll end up living life comfortably. I'm just gonna do what I had to do and get myself to where I wanna be. Another 4 more years hanging on here. I'm not gonna lie that it's an easy ride with the memories of you keep dropping by my lonesome mind makes it even harder to concentrate and to see clearly. Certain days when I have great days and certain days having a wrekking week. I could go insane if this keeps going on. I'm clueless. Most of the time I feel so tired by doing nothing. I'm gonna use that lil hope that I have left to put myself out of misery. I'm depressed but trying not to show any of it. To tell the truth I hate answering questions when it is thrown for me to answer. I'm tired. Whenever there is you I hope I'l meet you half way around the world or anywhere else. I want this again. Please hear me out.

..if you ever had the time to listen

crazieee surveys!!! numba 2

2010-08-17T17:19:00.002+08:00

Finish The Sentence

Finish The Sentence I love... pure fruit smoothies...

Right now I want... heavy caramalized buttered popcorn

I feel like... shit..

I hate it when... i have to do stuff over and over again for no stupid reason..

I fear... butterflies..

I'm lonely without... my computer/phone/music/astro/dvd\'s

I need... more time....

Today I... didnt do anything...

Tomorrow I'm... gonna study.. I hope...

I just... ate an apple..

I want to meet... Megan Fox...

I'm hungry for... a double GBC burger...

I love it when... it rains

I'm afraid of... commitment and the lost of freedom

I'm listening to... busted

I'm wearing... a hat,shirt,ladies boxers..

I wish I was in... USA!! or venice or rome...

I want to get... everything i want

I can't... forget bout something...

I'm nervous to... call you...(you know who you are)

My Mom thinks I'm... a splitting image of her

My Dad thinks I'm... his so called "son"

I'm happy when... everything with you and me worked out

I'm sad when... shit happens...

I'm disappointed that... I would not succeed

I wish I looked like... myself..

...a lil bit of "me"

a new laptop a new beginning...

2010-08-17T16:11:00.002+08:00

Yay !! Now I'm blogging from my new notebook. I just bought it a few days ago in Lowyat.It was my whole paycheck when I collected through working for a few months till May. To my surprise my reaction was like " ok... I got a new laptop. ( silence)" Maybe its just a lil hope lifting thingy which encourages me to study harder and eventually have gifts and places waiting for me. Its not just any acer or dell notebook but its a ..... MACBOOK PRO!!!!! I'm still getting used to the os and to tell you guys the truth its wayyyyyyy better than the windows. Its lesser bullshit and everything is so polished and refined. I'm beginning to fall in love with it as I'm using it. I think I'll wont look at windows at the same perspective again once I have a mac. The trackpad is so frikin awesome and it has a touch screen feeling to it but it doesnt smudges up your screen. The whole thing is around 2kg in weight and its super solid and well built. But there is one thing I have left to say "FINALLY"...

...worth my every 4000 bucks

things which gets me fired up...

2010-08-10T18:12:00.002+08:00

1) wanna-bees / fake-ers

2) pms-ing teachers who think they're always right and plain kurang ajar/ bitchy

3) idiots who are just being unrealistic.

4) dumbass bosses who has no right of being a frikin boss

5) people who step on my tail..

...pissed till there is not enough of curse words to express how I feel

PS: for you guys who knew what happened during form two.. currently encountering Catalina numba 2...

dream:1

2010-08-08T08:37:00.004+08:00

You suddenly appear out of the blue. It was at night and there is somekind of a party going on but there wernt many people there. Not anyone I know but wandering near the singing stage and there was you approaching me. I was stunned. We somehow ended up in my house and were looking at pictures that we were in the moments together. From there I knew that you had never stop thinking bout me. You asked me to cut all of those pictures and paste it in a book. I suggested that we do a video instead. All you did was smile. I smiled too. I grab you by your waist and pulled you up from the floor that we're sitting on. I still could feel it now as I am typing this. While doing this, you look me in the eye and we both stopped time. We both knew something. But didnt say a word. We went outside and you asked me to wait at the garden while you go to your car to take some stuff. (now this part gets funny) You gave me a gigantic bag of marshmallows which looks like a huge pillow. Seriously. I took it from your hand and you disappeared. ~ I hate it when dreams that were so perfect suddenly has its awkward twist to it which makes it really ridiculous. Anyways, I saw you in my dreams and waiting for more to come.

...when perfect comes an awkward moment

Accounting maniac...

2010-08-07T15:11:00.002+08:00

Fine!!Accounting is not my cup of tea but I have to somehow find a way to shove it into my reluctant brain just for the sake of my future. In the way I had put it, in order to live the life I have to do accounts. Just for two semesters and then I'm hopefully done with it with the rest of my life. I am in desperate need of good luck and concentration to pull this semester exams with flying colors. To that I am cramming every possible time into studying accounts before its too late. I really want to get into the deans list and from there I could actually go somewhere with this kinda unique degree of mine to places which I had longed for awhile now. London or the US. I hope to migrate there and get a well payed job to sustain my needs. That's all I'm asking for. I'm not greedy. I dont wanna live in Malaysia although it has soooo many delicious foods I like here but the way it has been run-ed and governed is very unfair and morally wrong. I dont wanna live in a one-sided country. I want equality and modernized thinking of people to be my countrymen. I need the future and it is clearly not here. But no matter where I go I will never forget that where I was raised and where I come from. Looking for the greener grass of the other side of the fence for my life of the future. I hope I'm strong enough to do so and leave all of this behind.

...a love hate affair

scared the shit out of me...

2010-08-05T18:14:00.002+08:00

I failed my quantitative studies and also almost fail my microeconomics as well as accounts. I felt like a stupid moron and I was seriously waaaaaaayyyyy below my standards. I feel that I had let myself relax too much and the lazy bug had already kicked in. After half a year fooling around, I start to get serious. Finally. No more floating around and the " I-dont-give-a-fuck" attitude. I felt like I'm dumbest person I had ever met. I disappointed myself. I feel disgraced. I'm gonna pull my socks and my sleeves to start to work hard. I had discarded my emo-ness and day dreamy attitude for my realistic future. Phewww...The only thing I was happy was I realized all of this before its too late. Indirectly I was happy I had crappy results to wake me up. Thanks... I need a slap on my face once awhile.

...woke up after sleeping for 2 and a half years.

the fallen star...

2010-08-01T15:38:00.003+08:00

I notice that once you're up and coming to a more popular status and a whole new circle of everything you seem to be like the shiny-est star out the re in the dark litted sky. Whenever you appear you splurge of attention. People look to you and turn to you just to get your 2 seconds. The princess of everything. Everyone wanna be close to you and to get themselves notice by you. Not to mention some envious hears lurking as they were the past princesses and princes. They seem to want their light back and start to get a well... BITCHY. Not saying anyone which they think this message is directed to them but just a simple innocent scenario. Every shining star has its brightest days and soon they themselves will realize that there is more to life than just being the rich,glamorous and the beautiful. Its being true to yourself and just stop for a second to be real in despite of all the shiny things and the latest handphones or the most facebook friends. There are more things you could archive out there rather than what you have today. In conclusion to all of this.. Are you willing to give up the glow of glamor for the simplest of realism?

...thats when I noticed what was more important and wished for the better

reasons why i dont cry...

2010-07-23T23:30:00.002+08:00

If you guys know me you'll know that it takes alot to make me cry.. Even to shed a tear from me is like leap year. Well I wanna let you guys know why is this so. Since I was a lil girl I was like any other weak and soft, fragile kid. When I start to cry, I was told that tears weren't meant to be shed and to suck it up and just stop it. To learn to swallow my sadness and stop the tears takes time. Even now I still find it hard to do so but manage to do it faster than I was. Since an early age I was told to do so. I know it is sometime feelingness and just plain cool of my expression but this is how I was made into. I dont feel sorry for being so but just a lil bit unheard of. Sometimes I just wanna explode and just let it all out in the shower crying my heart out in silence when the sound of it had been overcome by the countless droplets of water gushing out. I believe doing so by thinking of all of the hurt,pain and just plain bad times helps me to release my inner feelings without the sight of others. My heart is full of misery and happiness. It's locked up so deep inside and no one really knows what it was? To tell you guys the truth I really dont know how to express my feelings of sad and happiness. Thus creating a plain cool expression which I am always putting on my face.

..worries and sorrows beyond my mask

when a mind speaks...

2010-06-23T23:34:00.002+08:00

Some of you guys might know really well that I am in silence. In face I am thinking. Thinking way too much for someone my age. Sometimes I cant sleep doing so. All of the factors which influences the decisions which I'm making or will make. It gets so serious in certain levels where my mum has to stop me doing so. Is there anyone out there does this besides me? Today I have been thinking bout coursework and log books and Thailand and shopping and Iphone 4. That is only a part of it. Too much a mind to handle which comes a day where everything will just explode and leave me crazy. I'm afraid to foreseen my breaking point and fall flat on my face. I hope I can stop before it goes serious. I'm off to sleep now and hope I will shut my brain off till I sleep soundly.

...obsession of thinking

is it or is it not?

2010-06-22T21:56:00.002+08:00

I was wondering what is still going on between us. Is it or isnt? I am totally confused. Why does all these things happen without a cause? Am I not to know or its just something out of the blue? I keep wondering. In fact if it isnt then I'll go on and I wanna know now so that I know its either a waste of time or not.. Confused eh?? Heheheh well my life is NEVER ever simple. Far from that. Haigh got presentation tomorrow and I am so not memorizing anything. I hope I dont freeze up because I had decided to do it impromptu style. Too much on my mind and I like to just make up stuff along the way which sounds logical. Hehehe. Thats what I'll do. Hope it wont screw up my marks and I bet the teacher just wanna hear our pronuncation and our oral skills. I think time is not an important issue. I seriously dont give a damn now about hubungan etnik. Its like those fucking subjects which doest need use right after the exam. Like moral... I have forgotten all of those stupid nilai's that I had to memorize to get it through. So hard doing so and the end result is a stupid B. Disappointed wei... I found a new boy band which their beats rock V Factory!!! Its like NTL. Surprisingly they're so much alike. Wannabeees!! Status now currently : Tired, Finished Acc project, Studied HE i think... and erm updating my dusty blog. Loving yall in ssc. miss you guys always....

...a new chapter but the same book and author

a normal afternoon in TAR..

2010-06-03T13:16:00.002+08:00

I am blogging live form TAR's new computer block... the Cyber centre WOW!!(sarcastically hahah). I just had my lunch with my college buddies in TBR ( a shoplot near by our college). All and all the food there sucks but its cheap though... what you pay is supposing what you get right. Lots of people here but I manage to grab a seat and everywhere is supposing over crowded. Not that surprised la but its is all the time... Dont know what to type here and not much to say even.. At least I keep this blog alive and moving rather than having the same post to read every visit you guys come here....

Hmmm can it be another one again??!!

I'm staying loyal as ever but why does life wanna grab that away from me?

...suspicion

the long waited response of life...

2010-06-01T17:11:00.003+08:00

I know it doesnt look like that but since I have missed it too much I guess its the food illusion

I know I know... I am ass not updating.. Well.. what have I been up to today??!! Hmmm... I met hui pink today and guess what??!!! She's in the same college as me... WEIRD but true.. Hehehe.. I made new friends there and they are crazy... Too bad I have to learn a new language which is mandarin to actually interact with them.. Watch out when the banana girl is gonna be long gone... While changing frequencies, I have tons of tutorial hwk to do.. Its hectic.. And also group assignments are coming hard on my schedule and life. No more outting. How can someone relax during this time of their life?? Am I being the opposite of myself which is the so called hardworking/quiet type??? I guess its evolution... I just realize I have a hunger of the language which I have used all my life which is English. I am drowning in my own mother language and want a float or something to keep my head above and stay to my now self... Currently taking the lrt everyday at 7 ish.. I noticed that KL city in the morning is BEAU-TI-ful... The canteen food there sucks and yes 3 of them.. Its not appetizing and appealing. I miss cahaya's canteen asam laksa soooo much anyone can ta pau for me?? Hope there is someone reading this and not being treated as a lousy journal of someone...

... miss SSC and the asam laksa

one post... few topics... easier task...

2010-05-16T15:43:00.004+08:00

TARC telematch

It was a part of my college orientation week programme and guess what. The event was supposedly held on the football field but when I arrive there ( late ofcoz.... hehe) not even a single soul was there. I came to thought that it had been canceled or something because of some week response so being the freshman of the college I felt clueless and lost. I went straight to the library and went hunting of some reading material to pass my time. I came across an economics book. Do you guys believe it I read it and it had changed the way I look at the business world. Surprisingly, I got hooked. That was the good part. So after 45 mins of reading, I decided to go to the cyber center. On the way there, I saw some people wearing white shirts on the bball court. This made me curious and I finally made me ask. I was directed to the sports complex which was situated at the other end of the campus. Bummer... I was instructed into some group and thank god they were indeed friendly. We had alot of fun and we got to know each other better. I made new friends yay... At the end of the day everyone was sweaty and smelly but the best part of all we were like that together. Owh.. I forgot to mention that I wore a sweater and a very loose pants all throughout the whole day running and all. And yes I carried my bag with me too. Stupid me.

...wrong clothes for the right reason

Day out with people and Avi

We went out yesterday again yes... A week after pyramid. The reason why I could go was becoz of Avi. Its his birthday!!! WOOO HOOO... I finally got to meet drew and august and also some of my friends from school which I felt forever missing them. And also an addition to a new freind Fio from East Malaysia... She speaks Indon + Malay= Bahasa Sarawak... lolz.. hahaa It was fun but the journey there was not!!!! I had to take the train to Midvalley and yup you guessed it The F**** KTM. It is so crowded and hot and sweaty and smelly and everything disgusting. I had to switch in Kl central to board another ktm train. I got stuck there for 20 minutes++. Fucking public transport... Underground and dark and sweaty and everything disgustingly imaginable. But it was all worth it to see everyone who I had missed for quite sometime now. All for you guys eventhough I had to ride the KTM. Owh... The Nightmare of Elms street is Violent and also scary.... Signature still has the coldest theater hands down.... ( when you pay RM 21 for watching a movie you had to get good enough aircond and also a kickass sound system with also privacy to make it more worth while)

... having fun and a break of missing you guys

Ps : Just wanna type this down dunno why but I just felt it....

> Most people lost their first loves because they have learnt how to treasure the second

..the first of everything

owh shit....

2010-05-10T08:40:00.002+08:00

Todays my first day going to college in Rahman. What I feel exactly?? Hmmmm... It's like you are so comfortable in kindergarten and then transition to primary school which you know nothing about. I kinda freaking out. I get this feeling of my stomach being twisted or maybe I'm just hungry.... I seriously cant tell the difference now. Hehe. Anyways, I hope I can make new friends there which are not "lala" and speaks English. That is my dearest wish. I hope that college wouldn't be so bad and I can just breeze through it like school. Even though If I have friends in college and may seem close and happy you school friends not to worry cause you re considered family to me. Praying hard wei. Dont screw up or make an ass of myself there. I hope for a nice person to get along with me on the first day of the same course. Its alot to ask for but wth... The levia that you know which is all tough and all but now I'm as shy as a mouse. God help me. (see jo... I PRAY) hahaha. Hope I make it.

...all over again

drifting away...

2010-05-04T12:06:00.003+08:00

In the morning as I see life pass by

I wonder what are you thinking

Open my eyes and hope to hear your voice

Nothing but a faded feeling

Counting the time as it goes

I realize that time passes by

I stop and try to get you out of my head

Soon you're gone

A memory is enough to last a lifetime

Since I had to flow with the current of time

Nothing is left behind

As the music play and the beat is still on

I live in a life of songs

...beat of the wind

bye e@t...

2010-05-01T22:25:00.002+08:00

I just had my last day of working at e@t.. Sad and emotional day especially for S. I wish I could be with them helping and all but unfortunately I cant. For just 3 months, I didnt know that it would give such an impact to the people there. I was treated like the lil sis of the family. It seriously felt like home. I had 3 elder brothers, two sisters, an uncle and aunt and also a dad and mom. It felt just perfect. And the best part of it is how my presence working there had made such an attachment to this family. It really broke me and my heart did sank. I just didnt show it because I just dont want this to make it even harder. So many mistakes and so many burns and also countless of cuts and wounds. All my blood sweat and tears all there. Where my working life started. I would never forget e@t as my first encounter to earn money for the first time. It was the most hardworking 3 months I had ever. Just wanna say thanks and all and you guys will always be my e@t family.

...e@t-ing my heart out to you

old memories...

2010-04-22T20:11:00.003+08:00

When I hear a familiar song I think of what we did and how happy we were. Too bad everything had vanished. Cant believe that I was there for you soo much trying to make it all better but still not enough thus you went away. Sorry to say that's all I can give. Its sad to see you go away but the aftermath is even more heartbroken as I see you muster your strength to forget the same things that I'm trying to get rid about. Why must we get rid of happy memories and how could those happy thoughts hurt as much? I just dont understand this and never I will.

... caught in the moment

April... thats when everything changes...

2010-04-17T18:13:00.002+08:00

Its been long since I've written a post for this blog but somehow I had found time to do so today. Everything's fine and many things had changed. I finally got my P licence... yupp I CAN DRIVE!!!! I'm so happy bout it and no more waking up at seven on Saturdays anymore. Today I woke up at eleven on a Saturday for like the first time in months. This month is also the last month for me working in my beloved cafe which makes me wake up every morning and happily going to work. Made new friends there and the whole cafe is like my 2nd family which I feel so heavy hearted leaving them to go to college. I'll miss them. I had a new hairstyle and also bought a new jacket.... Its just so much changes that had happened during the month of April and just like that next month I am finally going to college. New environment and new people also a new lingo. In the cafe we kinda speak hokkien and I had learnt a few phrases as they all came from penang. So when I'm in Setapak everyone these unfortunately speaks Chinese. Changing frequencies of language in every place. Sometimes I get so caught in that language and suddenly someone speaks in English I have to pause for 2 seconds to actually reply then in English. I know weird. To let you guys know I am working hard and pulling O.T at every day of the week. Tired so I didnt manage to update my status. Anyways I know sports day is coming up and I wanna say: B. L. U. E . Blue!!!!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!(thanks to teng =.='' its still stuck after all this time) Hope to visit you guys there ASAP. And for all my peers.... I miss you guys.. When do you guys wanna hook up???

...grown up life

I need a hug...

2010-04-03T17:39:00.004+08:00

What I need now is a warm hug. Not by just anyone but as long as I know that this person wont go away. Someone that can give me the feeling that I've lost. I had a bad day today and I had never cried as much that I can remember. I wish that I know someone like that is out there waiting for me. I have let you go but not the feeling that you gave me. I miss the feeling but not you. All I remember now is a warm calm and safe feeling instead of your smile. The sad thing about it is I only felt it with you and no one else. I gotta let go this is driving me crazy. Dont know what to say much becoz I dont feel like doing anything right now. Felt dizzy and restless. I want somebody to take me by the hand and pull me away from this madness.

..still waiting

Am I the cause of this?

2010-03-30T21:01:00.001+08:00

Everyone tends to leave when they get close. Why? Is A not worthy of their stay or its too hard for them to be around me? First is B then C. A dont ever wanna be in love anymore. Its too tiring and to costly for A to bear. Can A play another round in this losing game? Forget about love and the adrenalin in the game which A is good at? Its soo close and just an inch forward A could grab it? Why is it like this whenever its so close but far away? Its so frustrating whenever this happens and makes me feel that I am not worthy at all. Did A risk everything for the both of them didnt mean a thing? Is A gonna live as if its just a stupid memory and nothing happened? What about all those things that they felt? An epic story where whatever A does could never get anything? Not even the truth and just living with assumptions of A's life. A has lied and cheated and paid the price. Have learnt the lesson and had changed. Still not worthy. Sad to say that A is tired of love. Tired of thinking and willingly to die alone where time comes. No one wants a used to be liar/cheater. Guilty till death.

... not worthy at all in the eyes of two people

change...

2010-03-28T15:19:00.002+08:00

I cut my hair today and its soooooooooooo frikin different and also its really short... and my fringe is short and it kinda looks like a lil longer version of justim beiber's hair... its weird but what the hell...

"Its time for a change" - Barrack Obama....

...random

my deepest message...

2010-03-27T18:43:00.002+08:00

I know that next Monday you guys are having a match. Although I cant be there, I just wanna let you guys know that I'll be with you guys in your individual selves as you guys step onto the court and when the whistle blows. I want you guys to know that I am not putting pressure on you guys anymore like last year. I was so tensed because I promised something and that is the last chance to bring it home. Thanks to you guys and your support I did it which you guys know its close to the impossible. I want all of you to take a moment and get fired up not only to hopefully win but also DONT ever blame or get upset personally. As a team and friend I advise you to always remember its only a game. Losing doesnt mean you guys suck because each of the players especially the first five I know how much you want this and effort that you put in and being pushed really shines in my eyes as you guys are the best. Win or lose it doesnt matter as long as you did your best and I am happy enough. Winning is just a bonus. With evey step you walk in the court and each short of breath you fight with holding on, my whole heart and soul is with you and of course luck. Sending all my energy to you guys, GOOD LUCK.

... with you always

never felt free-er...

2010-03-21T18:37:00.002+08:00

Since I met you I have felt this connection and at the first glance I knew something is gonna change. Things were great and I had been on a mood roller coaster ride with you all along and now I'm finally off. I know I said that countless of times but now I know its for real. Well, there are somethings when you learn to let go even you had been trying for years to find the strength to do so will finally come. The reason that I took this long is because everything that I were and stuff around me reminds me of you. Even the slightest bit is just enough to make me freeze into the time where it were. Now out from the old and now currently in a whole new environment had made me forget more faster and look forward. Living in the past had taken a toll in what that was suppose to be greatly show its signs. Still keeping you with me but not as before. As a memory and a lesson. Not to beloved anymore and hope that once is enough for me. All I want is you to be happy and be the person who I once knew and believed. The strength so great where it pushes me and drives me but now it fades away when someone who came in and took all the load that I need to push myself further to get closer to you. Without that load I became lazy and slacked alot from what was. I gave you what I promised and I had done it. Getting it back where it belongs. Now I feel free as a bird and I have learnt to build fences before I let anyone in my heart again.

... securing the area before another breakdown which takes years to fix

Scholarships are fucked up...

2010-03-13T21:59:00.004+08:00

When you get your SPM results you start to apply scholarships although your results are ok ok only just to try your luck and just pick you from the bunch of fucking enclosed nerds with kazillion of A+++. I'm officially pissed off when what I'm doing now. My dad just scolded me for no fuckong reason and I'm trying to save his two cents. Well fuck the scholarships and just go to the fucking college. Why am I doing this? Eveytime I see the requirements for those scholarships are all like strictly for 8 and 9 A+ only!!. I know that my results wernt what I expected but what about others which are fine in all points and the results is only reasonable. Dont tell me that fucking retarded people with no verbal skills or IQ with straight fucking A's only can get scholarships. The ones which have NO life and just literally does quantum physics for the fun of it. What about us?? The exposed and polished and the ones which just great all around but with only a fair result. Where do we go? Does anyone notice the inner personality and the presentable outlook besides the A's? Seriously, people with straight A's which have exposure or sociality among others and who speak out and be heard are more deserving than the ones which I have mentioned. I just dont know it's fair for others like me. Without meeting you and actually talk to you, you guys cross us out of the picture just because the lack of a number of A's. Well just to tell you people who choose these fucking people or does the scholarship selection A's,in a result doesnt effect the shit of your work that you are gonna contract them. I am surely not severely disappointed with my results but this make me realize more about the unfairness of street smart people are not recognized and overshadowed by the amount of A's from a under qualified person who just could be overpowered anytime by the ones which actually uses our brains to function and not blindly memorize to get effing A's in their results.

ps: If you have straight A's and have a life and not studying as book scanners are 10000% deserving. I'm talking about ones which cant speak properly and have no confidence and an also unpolished appearance and also does nothing but EAT fucking books. Dont meant to insult anyone but just trying to make a point here.

...book scanners are useless in the outside world

somethings are not ment to remain forever...

2010-03-10T22:09:00.003+08:00

As life kept moving, so as us growing towards time. We get older by the moment and also wiser. Not only we leave our little shell to a new world outside it we also meet new and different type of people and we may not have each other to go through it together. Things change as time goes by for the better or worse as our fate depends on its ongoing. We cant do anything but follow the drawn path of our life and somehow live it with our very best. Not to mention as we grow apart we change into a better person. More current and more ourselves. S on we realize that we wernt what we use to be when we're young and naive. All because of the new environment and the new faces which we see each day a step forward and to reveal the untold story of our great novel. Unsuspected life is the best from what I think makes life itself worth living. Like writing pages of our individual books and will somehow stop writing itself as we leave. Who knows that we might cross each other pages in the future or meet someone worth dying for. Someone out there to spend your whole life with or someone unexpected to help you when you fall. You may guess but you'll never know. Some people are comfortable the way they are just like me and the next thing you know you're gonna be a mess up tomorrow or the year after. Some want to know their ending of their story and some planned it the wat it should be written. Nothing works that way as it will never be what it would end up to. To think of it why make plans anyway?? Why make plans where you know that it will never be what it is suppose to be? Why the waste of time and effort? It only exist as a guideline to push yourself and give the very best of you. Is it worth it? Without plans where will I end up? Plans to me are just something like a draft. Something which could be scribbled on and cross out whenever opportunities come along to improvise the path of my life.The definition. To guide myself to stepping forward a painful step and not long later will be a giant leap to my future. To make me suffer before I can take it when I grow any older to bear the pain of the burden. All that I know is what I'm doing now is gonna somehow repay itself tomorrow. Wanna wish everyone that good luck for tomorrow as they will be receiving their SPM results. Hope what we give in had payed off tomorrow as the results roll in.

...a new chapter

..plain crazy

2010-03-07T08:52:00.003+08:00

the first car I've driven... picture not clear as i was greatly zooming

Well, you guys know when you turn 18 its gonna be different than all of the other years. The year where smoking and alcohol are legal and theres driving classes to attend to and college and everything else. Scary as it sounds its fucking tiring. Not to mention some work just to pass time and wait for their admission to college like me. My most hectic year ever. 2010. Turning 18 is tough and being 18 is tougher. I have to wake up early everyday and feel so worn out later. No beauty sleep for me in a long time. Yesterday I have attended my pre L. I drove a kancil.WOOOOOHOOOOO (at first) but later it was like meeehhh... Was kinda happy though. My instructor showed me how to drive a manual car for half and hour and th next 2 and the half hours he stood in a pondok and let me drive ALONE!!! Everyone had their instructors with them and mine??!? Was so sure of me and let me drive alone on my first day of driving in my life. Cool dude anyway. I felt older and more adlutish.... (you know what I mean) Everything is crazy now and things are turning and going so fast. Could I get hold of it together or just fluck hard? Fun at 18 hahahahahah lolz... Anyways you young people reading this at least you guys will get a heads up on turning 18... Especially the seventeeeeeennnnnssssss.... hahahaha

...worn out

Ignorance is an addiction...

2010-03-02T20:48:00.003+08:00

Hearts which were one but now its in two

A simple mistake and it all comes down

When its torn its uneven

One is more than the other

What am I to do with this half?

Am I being played when I'm playing?

Is it true something is still there

Wherever I go there is some other

Ready to fill the torn edges of my heart

None fits the shredded

Things are hard to let go and to accept

When I was open so wide before

Let everything in and forgot to build fences

Now its no purpose building at all.

Unprotected and bare of feelings

Seconds past as if were yesterday

Where were you when I was needed

Where was I when you were needed

Total reshuffling of time which once was perfect

Caught in a syllable of time and dreams

Anyone please help me out of this

... stubborn heart

the 5 hours i've wasted

2010-02-28T17:42:00.002+08:00

Its all about waiting for something. Something important and something for life. The beginning to earn your wings of freedom. Its... your Undang Computer exam... YAY!!! I woke up at around 7.00am on a SATURDAY!!!! Because the driver has to pick me up from my house. Waited and waited guess when he came?? 2 hours later.... It made me like a stupid fool waiting for something and to sacrifice my precious sleep. ( I dont get alot of sleep these days cause of my work and its sooooo effing tiring...loving it anyway hehe) Reached the place for the exam and there.... the thing I least wanna see is a crowd. I waited and there I was called to take my L licence photo. I waited til I eventually rot. Finally I was called to the exam room. I was like OMG!!!! FINALLY !!! FOR LIKE 5 HOURS I"VE BEEN WAITING THERE AND ALMOST MY WHOLE DAY IS RUINED!!!!. Went in and did the test. It wasnt that hard though and I have failed a couple of times doing the exam on the cd they gave. So I finished early and I re-checked everything. Just imagine if I fail again I have to go through that same shit like what I've gone through that day to resit the stupid test. Why cant malaysia be more effective? There are like 100++ people crowded in a office lot and aqt a time only 12 computers are only used to test them. To the best of it only 2 authorized personnel are working that day. YAY!!! Malaysia boleh wei... At the end of the day I passed phewwww... 44/50.. lolz. hahahaha thank god... Seriously getting a licence is so frikin hard so dont waste it and you may eventually rot for 5 hours waiting to do some computer test which you'll eventually forgot the next day bout what they have tested... lolz...

...being legal

telepathic feelings...

2010-02-25T23:26:00.001+08:00

It seems weird but whenever I feel my heart stings for no reason I know that you're hurting. I just dont know how and why I feel this. I sometimes think that the reason why I felt this is because I can take it all away from you and to make you not feel so alone feeling hurt. I wish I could just be there with you and hold your hand telling everything is gonna be alright even I myself dont know what will 10 minutes later will be. I just tell you so just to ease your heart. And do everything I can to make it happen even its gonna be worse. I think its all my fault that you ended up like this. I wanted whats for the best so I let go. But now I realized that what I did for your thought happiness made you hurt. I couldnt sleep that night and almost didnt have the mood to do anything. My work went out the window. I was struck out. Now the only thing I wanna know is are you still really hurt behind that mask you always wear. Even if you lie to me I could feel it. It will take time to heal and I'm not pushing you into anything. I just want you to let me in and know the real you. The one which I felt and once knew. Though were kinda far away I know. No need to say a word or cover up something. I feel it. Though it has been awhile I remember. If you're reading I wanna let you know that although no one knows who you are behind that mask. Not your closest people or even me. I somehow felt it unconditionally.

...same but parallel

Turning a year older... being a lil wiser...

2010-02-21T13:39:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was great. Had lots of fun and a complete drain off my energy. I would like to thank people who wished me and make my day although I'm not seeing them everyday anymore. Dont know what to say right now... all I can say is I really appreciate what you guys did...

.. speechless moments

Fate...

2010-02-18T14:11:00.002+08:00

You know when sometimes you ask yourself that Why does this happen? What is the reason behind it? I was searching but a friend of mine said Its Fate. For those out there says Everything happens for a reason and deeply believed in it will get caught up when you're in this never ending string of web. I have spent 3 years thinking and may have found an answer for all of this. When you try too hard you dont succeed and when you dont even try at all it happens. Is there anything to prove this theory of mine? I know a lil part of you that you never show. Nothing seems to work out since this had happened. You didnt find happiness. I know. But we're still recovering. I am certain that you can find a way out of this. I have prayed for you to get away. Away from me and everything else that didnt make you happy. I wanted you to do what you wanted and not waste any moment here. I actually prayed for you to go away.... Not for me but for what you have to do. Even if you dont I will be going away from here. Somewhere a thousand miles away and may never come back. I hope that all I have done is enough and need not more to drag this on. If everything happens that is what you call FATE. Fate which makes things happen for no reason. For the good and for the bad of all of us. Let fate does this once more for whats best for us.

...going away for fate

distractions but not enough....

2010-02-15T10:23:00.003+08:00

Its been ahwhile since I've seen you but never stop thinking. There were some others along the way but it just wasnt you. Stupid but true. I admit that I was tempted and wanted and I gave in. I was trying to find it again. Not sure ever gonna find one. Anyways I have been ok all along watching from afar and not being seen. Knowing the other side of you when you're not infront of me. You dont know that and not planning to let you know. I never said a thing. But now I cant anymore. Since I not invited. There were games and chases which I've played but not quite what it was. Dissapointed but had a really great time though. Got the excitement back. I wonder why people act differently when I walk by or have the idea of some games to be played. They seem to buy it and just join in without me doing anything. That was a gift I had. But too bad it has no use the right way. Its just something to draw attention to and just to be forgotten the next week or two. Although I know that it would never be the same again, I would still watch from afar whenever I can. Its just a habit I guess. Something which would stick with you forever. I will continue playing games and chases as I try to regain feeling to my numb heart. Happy though but not as was before.

... going as much as I can

So fast and its February already????

2010-02-12T13:54:00.002+08:00

Well, February is the most special month of the year. It only has 28days and sometimes 29. Chinese New year is always around the corner and there arent many people celebrating their birthdays on this special month. Anyways I dont have plans on how to celebrate my birthday and I guess it will be boring and felt like just another day. Not a big party fan or crowded places I guess what I'll do is sit infront of the computer and play Cs or something just to waste time of the day. And its been a year since I had a busted ankle and its been a year since blue house got back the basketball girls champion. That was memorable I cant imagine how to top that off for the rest of my birthdays to come. My dreams came true and my friends were there celebrating too. I remembered it was a very tired day but they somehow manage to plan everything. Didnt have a chance to say thanks and now I'm gonna say it : Thanks for being there and all the things that you guys did for me you guys were the greatest and will forever be remembered.

..birthday blues

a lil bit more personal...

2010-02-09T18:56:00.003+08:00

Remember I have kinda promised you guys a personal pic from me and my life... well here they are. NONE of them are on facebook and this is from my personal camera. It's kinda random but whatever....

what I eat...

what i drink...

..where i sleep/study and others

where i currently work....

and what i wear...

Now you know a lil bit of my personal life.. till then peeps... love you and miss you

...me

iDiOtIc CuStOmErS in F&B business...

2010-02-05T18:49:00.002+08:00

What am I gonna tell you guys now is based on my first 3 weeks experience on my new Barista job in a cafe in DiGi's Main Office in Batu 3. Start work as usual at 9am and there are alot of people who work there and most of them came around for a cup of latte or americano(type of coffee). So when I was there I witness there are types of assholes who are just plain kurang ajar and they are from a BIG company. Anyways here are the few types of people that I deal with everyday.

1. Black- faced sleepy-need-coffee people

These people who simply response-less when you great them with a hello. They just IGNORE you and some just give you a "look". They NEVER smile and they look sad like they had been scolded by their bosses and been awake to like 10000000000 days. Have deep dark eye circles and n shaped mouth and lil messy hair.

2. The flies.

When you come to a cafe, you have the intention to buys something rite??? These people just for the sake of walking here buzz around and just leave. These people are kinda annoying when you have to attend to their presence and just leave.

3. Clueless and plain BLUR.

These people are just plain idiotic and need to ask to every detail of everything. They are simply annoying and someone has to just shut that fucker up. They tend to ask the same thing everytime. Looks dorky and plain BLUR These people are just a waste of time and some just ask plain stupid questions where everything is on the menu.

4. Squekie...

These people speak SOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo softly till you cant hear what are they ordering. You have to put your ear towards them to just catch a word they're saying. If not ask till you hear them.

5. Unsure-er

These are the biggest IDIOTS and money wasters. They tell you someting and they order someother. This also applies to idiots who tell you the very last minute where everything is done. Others comment that what I gave them is WRONG order and as well customers are always right so I have to redo EVERYTHING. Just wanna errrrgghhhh.....!!!

6. Commentator

This type is t usually the BITCHIEST and the most loud among the others. They simply comment about eveyrthing saying that this and that is bad and they compare ALOT!!!!! The way they say it is SOOOOOO bitchy and they just wanna make an impact on us who work in the cafe.Makes you feel so f-ed up and makes my co-barista go WILD!! And there will be drama.... IT's best to just tell the fella to fuck off and make your stupid Aik Chong 3 in 1coffee and eat your maggi cup noodles... just cheap...

7. Last minute eater.

When everything is set up for closing, some of them just purposely order something which we already kept well for tomorrow. Just to see us take everything out again and serve them and then clean everything and put it back is just plain wrong. These people are just the people you wanna SLAP in the FACE whenever they appear.

8. The stuff taker.

They simply just simply ask for more tissues and stuff and at the end becomes a waste which they did not use. Some even take our straws and ask for free milk when they dont even buy anything from our cafe. This pisses us off because we are paying for everything which they did not even buy. Idiots who take us for granted.

9. CustomiZER

These are the ones who ask for stiff which are not displayed or even sold. They want it to be super perfect and be customized just for them and no one else. They NEVER pick form the menu and wants a special from the chef itself. This becomes annoying when its during lunch or going back hours of the day.

Well thats how many basterds I have to deal with in my work and I hope they are not anymore to come. Other than that there are many many many nice people here in Digi and they are very understanding and well mannered people. I just cant understand where these DUMBASSES come from and how the hell they enter the DIgi office.

To good customers who are not in the list I simply enjoy making your coffee and taking your order. To others GO FUCK YOURSELF and HAVE A NICE DAY!!

...labeling the unlabeled

When the "great" is gone...

2010-01-30T16:47:00.003+08:00

I was especially tired the past few days as I didn't have enough time and energy to post anything. The reason was... my great grandmother passed away( my dad's mothers mother). It was actually expected because she was bed ridden for about a month. Unfortunately I wasn't close with her as I am one of the oldest great grandchild. She has around 8 children and 20 grandchild's. Not forgetting 9 great grand children. I only visited her every Chinese new year and for some occasions. Everything went as planned and no one was emotional till the third day if the ceremony. I saw my relatives and my grandma cried. Everyone who was there also shed at least a tear. She was 90. Friday was the day she got cremated. That was where everyone really cried and I did cried too. That day everyone came to mind that she is gone.... gone forever. Although I wasn't that close with her I did felt the pain when one of your family had passed. I really felt it and everyone did. She is dearly missed and forever remembered. Still abit emotional talking bout it but I just wanna let you guys know.

Rest in Peace Voo Fok Tai my beloved great grandmother

...gone

late as usual...

2010-01-26T18:18:00.003+08:00

I'm supppppppeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr sorry guys for the late update. I guess you guys might think that this blog is DEAD!!! But I promise it will NEVER DIE!!!! Anyways what have I been up to.... Hmmmmm??? I have been to the Starbucks interview but they said that they would call back somewhere around early February. Like 5 minutes later, I had a call and I have already secured a job. Due to that I have no time to update because I'm busy working now. Not a boring desk job again but as a barista. I cam currently working in a cafe in Digi's main office. Been there for two days only and now loving it. Have several burns by the coffee maker and a cut attempting to cut the skin of an orange. Everything was great there the hours are not that bad and the people there are reallllyy nice. When you're there, you can see their passion of making food and perfecting everything . Such dedicated people. I was stuffed by food there. Not ordinary food but seriously super duper nice excellent awesome food!!! Neglecting to waste anything I ate it all. Who could ever find a job like that???!!! And the starbucks job..... hahahah no need la.... Already planned to work there till end of April. I have to attend a food and beverage management course this Sunday. And to top it up I have to take a special JAB!!!!!! for the sake of people that I'm serving. (government policy....) So if you guys are wondering your food will be super safe and totally edible because humans in the food and beverage management business will be clean too for your sake.

... 2010 rocks!!! WOOOOOOHOOOO!!!

a whole other way of the road...

2010-01-24T16:57:00.003+08:00

I got a shock. Yesterday became really unexpected. Went out to check out my college and guess what? I got lost there. Its so frikin huge like 10 times the size of ssc. I thought it would be like taylors or sunway but I was utterly shocked. After wondering around I went into the library and its bigger than the Hall of Character in our school... Just imagine that huge building is only the frikin library. Everything was bigger than expected and kinda nervous too. It took like 45 minutes to get there so its not as far as I was expected. Today while talking bout my future possibilities, my dad had encouraged me to not comeback and stay in UK after my Masters. Just imagine yourself in UK... 14 hours away from home. I still remain cool but shaking like a leaf inside. What about people here? What about Malaysia? What about everything? I was encouraged to leave my life here and be somewhere else I'm not sure of. I guess I had to leave you too. I wanted to be around but if things happen I guess I cant. Anyways its like another 5 years or so till I'll be in that situation. So no harm looking a bit further rite??

...UK -ish

(untitled)

2010-01-21T15:15:00.003+08:00

Hearing the sounds of silence through the halls,

I closed my eyes to remember the familiar voices,

I tried hard but eventhough I had done it

I'm still not around

Where was I?

My heart is had gone lost and sometimes stopped beating

Akwardness.

Full of spirit but there is no goal,

Trying to figure out the purpose of me being here,

As it felt like forever and thus useless

I wander around my quiet head

Nothing like what I imagine

Its like bits of me is everywhere

Restless.

Dreamt big hurdles were bigger

Have I have strength to jump above them?

Or tumble on the ground doing so,

Has anyone to pick me up or have I do it alone.

Guided to be fallen.

No one hasnt fall and they able to guide

Does this made any sence?

Clueless.

Perfect is what everyone wanted

Planned, Thought and determined

Plans were ment to follow but

Has everyone reached them?

Impromptu mishaps changes lives

To better and for worse.

Nothing is forever.

Greatness.

Life is greater than you think. No one will ever figure it out till they had left life.

...amazed

happy..not so... when something is lost

2010-01-19T00:22:00.003+08:00

The messages that A had to hold on to throughout the days which makes A feel better is gone. Important dates on A's calender of have A's fondest memories of time is also gone forever. A's is not happy but sad. Something new is not always better but what A had in A's hands before was better than all the money in the world. It's not just something that you get everyday but something that had been there for quite sometime. How is A gonna get through life without them? A wonder. Things which A needs the most is not there. Perhaps it indicates a beginning of A's life. A new chapter. A new page. Now without C in the picture A has not been broken. Not how A was when with B. A is stronger now but as stronger A get's the more numb A feels when A finds another. A had lost A's first love and A cant do anything about it. B was gone for the better. But the fact when B comes and goes makes it even harder. C is gone too but A has learnt to build fences at A's heart so that A wont get hurt again. A grew scared and protective..... not stronger as it may seem. For all the support B and C gave once in the palms of A. But now its gone forever and A doesn't know how long will it take to have another. May seem never. A wonders "If to start something new one must delete the past and not be attach to it?" A is clueless. Nevermore lifeless as A starts to find some other. "First love is always remembered as it changes you forever" says A. What if A cant love like A use to? What if A cant love again? How long will A be lost and needed to be found?? No one could help A and no one could do anything about it. Sad to see but life goes on as it hurts ever step forward and lose identities of the past. Wherever A goes A will be carrying a scar of B as long as A's heart is still pumping and breathing. No one knows who is the real A.

..what's lost cant be found

out with the old in with the new....

2010-01-18T23:14:00.005+08:00

WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo!!! I just bought a new phone. Haven bought one is 10 years can you believe that??!!! For some of you guys might think that I am totally bluffing. For here I'm gonna tell you a story bout the phones I had till the current one. I got my first phone in 2001. It was a green ericsson phone which has only a supper small yellow screen and HUGE letters which eventually ate the whole tiny screen space. It was seriously ugly.

my first ever phone( it was green by the way....)

After that phone my parents were covinced enough to buy me a 3310. That phone was waaaaaaayyyyyy better. Although you guys think it sucks but in 2003 it was kinda good enough.

A a year later, I changed to the nokia 2100. It was around 400++ when I bought it. But looking back I should have saved it and bough a phone with much more features. I was foolish then and childish. Sad rite... Anyways lucky me my dad bought a new phone so he gave me the nokia 8890. The fully titanium phone which is so yeng and it still is. That time whoever had that phone was like woooah...(words couldnt describe the meaning that I ment)

super sleek in 2000's only...

Times changed and there comes the colour. Thats where another nokia came which was the nokia3100. It was considered a luxury to have colour in your phone. But sadly that was the last phone I ever had for another 10 years. It didnt last long too. Due to my stupidness, the phone went "swimming" in the washing machine. It was still ok but eveything starts to fall apart.Went looking some stuff in the store room, and found my mum's old old phone. The so called the butterflies cousin the 8210 nokia. Used it till it rot and it was time to throw it away. Sad sad times.... haigh... My scavinging skills paid off as I found a phone in school. It belongs to some junior kid but finders keepers rite?? hehehe dunno what phone it is but its seriously not my choice. Without a phone I live with what I have. Later my mum lended me her phone the first sony ericsson I got. K750i. It was great and I had it for quite some time but it ended up giving back to her as her "new" samsung went cacat. Phoneless again and one fine day in TGIF, my sis was soooo lucky she found a 6680 nokia phone. I made a deal with her and for just only a 100 bucks I bought it. I had used it till now. And I guess you guys might think "why does her parents just buy her a phone where she is phone-less?" . If so you dont know them AT ALL. They are mean to me because they wanted me to be independent eventhough I was still young to understand the value of money. They wouldnt give a cent to me for a new phone. So I took matters to my own hands. I had worked after SPM and saved some money from my 150 per month allowance.( inclusive of phone credit). I had bought...... the sony ericsson C905. Finally a new phone bought from a shop not lying in some store or on top of a sink in TGIF. My own phone. I was really proud of myself as I took my own luxuries into my own bare hands. Now you guys might even get a personal pic or 2 because of it. And I was a really deal I had. You guys wont even guess how much I bought this phone and in this condition.

...happy in 10 years time

where is eveyone now?

2010-01-14T10:35:00.002+08:00

Seriously where is everyone? I really hate it when people are not in the same place at the same time doing the same thing. But now it seems that someone's here and somebody else is there and others are all left back in school . Is it me or everyone is feeling like this? The only way to talk to them is either through Facebook or msn if they're only ONLINE. Haigh.... Kinda bored but tired right now. Dont know why. I wanna sleep but I just cant although I am too tired. Anyways felt like dying.

... so near yet so far

Jobs jobs and more jobs till May...

2010-01-11T23:13:00.002+08:00

I had already finished my first job doing office stuff and boring data entry. So yay!!! That job felt like forever. Now currently I am officially a merchandiser of a legit company. I got employed and started work today. It's not that bad but way better than typing data and invoices. Later perhaps I'll be working in STARBUCKS!!! WOOOOHOOO!!! Now my first day I went to Subang Parade to check some stock and report to my boss. It was kinda different and fun. I wonder how will I do in STARBUCKS?? Dealing with people with caffeine problems in the morning. Hopefully I'll be ok and earn some $$$$!!. Owh yea, bout the college thing. I had already made a decision to go to TAR (Tunku Abdul Rahman)College starting in May. Not doing Pre-U and all but straight away doing diploma then advance diploma and then to ENGLAND!! Anyways bout the piloting, I'll just wait for a cadetship from either MAS or Air Asia or Singapore Airlines. Hope for the best and I'll be either one of the both above. Dont mind doing both either. Lolzz... And guys.. Good luck in your college stuff and NEVER NEVER NEVER rush.... seriously!!

Missing you guys so much.

... working for studying

feeling more apart already...

2010-01-05T16:48:00.002+08:00

College started for most people but not me. I'm currently at home settling down and chillin awhile. Just message-ed Jo but she didnt reply back. (probably she's busy though). Right after that I started to think. Is the connection we had for so many years together friends and all will last? What am I to do without them? I began to question. While clearing up my messy room, I found letters from Li and Rach. I read them. I was smiling while reading them and still kept it with pictures of us in Form 1. Although something happened, Ii still dearly miss them. I wonder how are they now. Probably they have other friends and maybe had already forgotten bout me. At the first in my life I feel lonely. Lifeless. Goalless. I been alone but never lonely. I guess we better appreciate things now than wanting it later. I finally came to a conclusion in my complicated life. I have let go of you. Now, treating you differently and shifted you to another part of my heart. But one thing still stays the same. I will NEVER disappoint you ever again. I promise... that what I promise you I'll do it and never to see you looking disappointed upon me again. Once is already enough. I will take you to the skies. I promise. I will fly. The feeling is gone now. Its better this way. Smies always.

....a loner is lonely

a very HAPPY new year...

2010-01-01T09:20:00.002+08:00

Well Its 2010... I guess I'm soon gonna turn 18 now and be a year older. Yesterday was so much fun. I have reconnect-ed with people I didnt see for a long time. Although I didnt have a chance to countdown with them but for me its just enough because I get to spend time with them which I dint do for a long time now. I have to say that I really miss them and they will always be remembered. Beginning of that day I was working and I spoiled the photostat machine for photocopying too much. Just imagine 2000++ copies. After was tired but went on to partying. Hey... had a very good time there. I hope that we do so next year. And all of you guys I wanna let you guys know that I MISS YOU!!!. Hahahaha good luck with your goals and your degrees!!!!. Lastly the FIREWORKS!!!! It was kinda disappointing this new year becoz there weren't as much as 2007/2008 's firework. But anyways the view up from Bandar Puteri Puchong 12 ROX!!!!

...first post of the beginning

patience is a virtue...

2009-12-29T18:13:00.002+08:00

Saying that I wannna start on January well.... I guess not . It's because I cant make it and I really need some time to think about which one I'm gonna choose. I am rather confused and I really dont wanna waste money if I wanna start in January. The fact is the pilot thing is after my results and if I ever get the cadetship I have to leave my pre-U and wasting a whole lot of money. Well no harm waiting right and piloting is the first pirority now other than going into a college doing my pre-U. So if you guys starting in January well good luck. I'll be going later. Other than that I pierced my lip... lolz... hahah yea... and its not that bad at first its annoying but now is rather ok. My parents know bout it but now it about to heal I'll wear it off and on. Anyways, the prom is SUPER awsome!!! and the clubbing and the not so nice food but everyone was happy to be there. I went back early becoz I have to work the next day. All and all everything's fine and sorry for not updating for ahwhile now. Work is a hard thing to do and money is a hard thing to earn. So people please appreciate money and spend it wisely if not you seriously regret it. Love you guys class of 09'. Always have a place in my heart.

....a break of silence

Fear of Accounts...

2009-12-26T12:56:00.002+08:00

You guy know that after SPM we all go into a college. There we'll start with a foundation or pre-U. I decided to take a foundation on business or the Canadian Program to start from. Unfortunately, in that pre-U subject the subject which I have to take must include accounts. I panicked and start freaking out coz I totally suck in Accounts and start making excuses not taking business. I totally freaked out. I was so paranoid till I pissed my mum off for a whole week because of this. Now I'm still "bo song" her. None of them understand how I feel and I feel very pressure at this moment. I wanna become a pilot but does this mean that my life would take a turn away from what I wanna do and be happy doing? I guess so but I dont belive so because I am not a person who gives up so easily. Freaked out at first but who knows. Maybe Accounts will be ok for me.... gua.

...figures and bullshit

chasing a dream

2009-12-21T23:10:00.002+08:00

Is it worth chasing a dream without knowing whatever is the aftermath? I really gotta say that chasing a dream is tiring and sometimes disappointing. I am in a chase now and it gets real after my spm results are out. I wanted so much but am I deserving enough to be given to? I have to say for the first time in my life I seem fragile and clueless, with a lil scared but somehow excited and everything. I never felt this way before. I dont really like it. Seconds felt like its ticking continuously slowing everything into a stop. I just wanna know whats for me to make me safe at least to cure my sense of curiosity and calm my over-reactive thinking. Some just give up on the chase and just lead a simple normal life which they stick to it till the day they die. Do I wanna live a simple boring life? NO! I wanna live life to the fullest and do crazy things along the way. I have so much things I wanna do and expectations so high to achieve. I'm just afraid I couldn't do so. I dont wanna live in regret and doing something I'm not happy with. No matter what comes in my way I'll still hold on to it for my dear life. I made a promise I will make things better as I have only 1 chance to live and love life itself.

... chasing a dream,livin a life

True happiness

2009-12-19T16:51:00.003+08:00

There are sometime and some reason to let someone go or do something that you dont really like just to make someone happy even it removes you from the picture or just to see that one smile of theirs. The point is , is it really happiness when i do so or happiness just to see someone happier? Which would you choose? I keep telling myself that could I bear to do so? I am currently happy now but I find it weird because whenever I achieve something or bought something I wanted for a really long time I would feel really happy but now nothing seems to satisfy my happiness when my heart is aching everyday and every second just thinking about stuff. Yea I know you're happy now although I'm not there but is that the real meaning of happiness of seeing someone happy to make you happy. I havent been happy for almost 3 years now. I'm not depressed but happiness I am receiving now is just not enough to life the pain away. I guess I wouldnt get this load off my beating heart for a long time in the future because nothing I know would even lift it up even for a second for a breath of air. I need someone to take it all away and keep me off thinking about stuff which only exist in a story.

...stay happy even when I'm gone

Merdeka?!! My foot....

2009-12-17T12:46:00.004+08:00

After Spm they say " Waaaaa now merdeka la finish Spm already can relax ma..." and others "Soo good no need to go school already summore can rest for 3 months". Well if you see it on the surface its so but the real truth is its not merdeka and there are 1001 things for me to do after that. Not only no more school, I have traded it for driving lessons, college, job and allowance cuts. I have to find a job right after my college starts and guess what I haven even register yet. Though I am certain there is a place for me in Taylor Business College in SS15 but I wanna get it done as soon as possible especially I wanna go for the January intake of next year. I know its kinda late but seriously my parent are both busy and no one is taking me there to do the registration and all. Now currently I am scouting for a driving school here in Melacca (and yes I'm in Melacca now by the way). To my conclusion here the rates are cheaper especially the L licence and the P. The rate for the undang is the same so no point doing here. But for the L and P I may do it here as it is cheaper and faster. Other than colleges and driving schools, I have to help my aunty shift her house from KL to Puchong. She has bought a house in Bandar Puteri Puchong. The location is awesome! Her house is on top of a very high hill and the view at night there is amazing. I actually really like that place and I have to make way on my busy schedule for helping her. Next I got a week job from my mom's friends in her office. Data entry. Dem boring and I basically sit there and sort stuff, enter numbers into the computer and photostat alot of papers. Its boring but I have doing that job for 4 years now. Every holiday I go there and work and make some pocket money. To let you guys into a secret I really hate working in an office especially that office. Shhhhh dont tell anyone please... Now I'm taking time off in my hometown after a month of studying and exams. Oh yea.... I may be going out on the 22 or 23 to midvalley and just chillax for a moment before all the busy-ness flood in.

...busy is what people do these days

Catch-up : Spm Day 1

2009-12-16T00:17:00.003+08:00

The catch-up series which I created is to update you guys bout the SPM paper of 09' so that you wont be left out as you guys who are the readers of this blog will always know about moments in my life. Moving on, day before the first day of SPM I had a couple of sms-es from very supportive people wishing me good luck and just chill through the whole thing. Thanks alot and you really make my day (you know who you are) and it really helps and I look at it almost everytime before the paper starts just to gain strength from it. I really appreciate it. The exam started of with Bm 1 and 2. The papers were ok but I was nervous bout the komsas part and suprisingly I know how to do it. Not saying its easy but its do-able. Next was sejarah paper 1. Thank god its paper 1 if not my hand would be so busted up of writing and to make matters worse its only the beginning. The sejarah paper was also acceptably normal. I was actually freaking out but as usual levia yam puts a calm expression with a freaking out inner self.

.... day one of the beginning

i'm back

2009-12-16T00:06:00.002+08:00

Woah after a month out from blogging i nearly forgot this blog of mine exist. Anyways, geography paper just finished and I have like a ton of updates which I wanna let you guys know and I am really excited bout life outside school. So many things to do so little time. How on earth could I do stuff in so little time? I wish that I could like split into a couple of levia's just to finish stuff and satisfy everyone needs. Life is kinda slow and the SPM updates will be posted soon. Just to let you guys know that this blog is active again after a gruelling month stop.

....back and movin'

2009-11-11T20:25:00.001+08:00

Wont be active in ahwhile.... SPM's finally here... Updates from the last post will be posted whenever this blog is active after 18 Nov 09.

...1 month mayhem

football+ graduation rehersal = super tired ( both legs hurt)

2009-11-05T21:57:00.003+08:00

Today we had a football match with Sri Aman which is organized by Encik Alias for us. So as usual we were late because of the bus and we had to run up to the foyer where everyone was waiting for us. On the way there we sang songs and finally almost all of us were high especially Joanne. She started too sing the Tarzan and Jane techno song which made everyone laughed .When the song Kenangan TerIndah by Samsons was playing , her eyes starts to turn red and tears just went rolling down. And we all were like OMG Joanne and sobs continued. The funny thing was that matthew was recording her all actions with his camera phone. Everyone knew but her. When we reached there we kinda lepak-ed awhile there till En Alias saw us and asked us to rush to the field. Out of our expectations,they were wearing boots and us??? Just sport shoes and I wore my basketball shoe. We played for 3 quarters which lasted 20 min each and had rest for 10 minutes after each quarter. Nadja and Hanis scored goals but weren't enough to win the game they scored 5 goals which out of 3 was penalties. Shafie accidentally tripped and landed on the ball with her hands. Hahahahah. And Joanne caught the ball by sitting on it and one where she dived on mud. Pro wei... So I had a few good kicks which results to my right leg hurting like crap and kinda twitches once awhile and my foot had a blister on it. So when the game almost finished my left leg which was hurt during the inter house basketball match ( the left one) got kicked by a girl. The sad thing was she was wearing boots. The stud was directed to my left ankle and it hurts. Now bengkak already. When the game finished we saw Cheynne. On the way back, Joanne sang the Tarzan and Jane Techno song again.....Haigh..... So right after we reached school the graduation rehearsal starts. We were all rolling with it and everyone left after that. So it was only me and Nadja. We practiced the "surprise" song but I sucked like shit wei... OMG I was so tired till my vocals and pitches went out. Dem embarrassing. So I'm working hard and practising now. The trick to it is practice just enough so that your voice doesn't crack up tomorrow. Anyways, we were super tired but we actually had fun playing football. I just came back from buying my clothes for tomorrow and feel really sleepy now.

... cacat-ed in both ways

Thursday, Novermber 15th 2009

2009-11-04T21:20:00.002+08:00

Today was a kinda busy day for me and I actually did alot of stuff which I don't usually do. Came to school there he was our new chemistry teacher, Mr Lau which is here to fill in for Ms. Catherine cause she is on maternity leave. He's a lil weird but as usual our class kept quiet cause he is new. Wait la few more class he'll wish we stay quite....hahahahah. Ok after that me and nadja went out to do a lil something which is a suprise so called on Graduation day. So after screaming our lungs out of signing, I went downstairs to watch the jr playing basketball. The girls lost 0-69. Ok that was bad but at least no one died or injured but definitely disappointing. When everything's over I went up to the prefect room just hanging out there doing the prom thing a lil bit. I looked at my watch and went to look for Ivy to set up the choir party stuff. I ran the whole school looking for her but no Ivy. She went out so I waited for her in the canteen. As soon as she arrived, we helped to set up the stuff for the party which includes SAKE SUSHI!!!! AND FAMOUS AMOS!!!!! yea!!!!! best club party ever. With my stuffed stomach I went looking for Joanne. I found her and we did summore prom stuff till the bell rings.

....a day of levia yam

College crisis....

2009-11-01T01:58:00.008+08:00

After SPM I'm sure that everyone is gonna go to a college. But I wanna be a pilot so... now my plan is... 1) Do a foundation on Business 2) Find work. 3) Half way look out for pilot cadetship and do send as many applications I can and hope I get chosen. 4a) If I do then I'll leave business studies and jump right to piloting. 4b) If not then I complete the course till MBA and enroll in the medical line of business OR be an air stewardess for ahwile so that I can have a better opportunity of being selected because I have flight experience. But I still will not give up on flying because that is what really what I wanna do. Since piloting is very expensive I guess this is my only road. That's about it.... But the real problem is choosing a place to start as in what college to go to. This is like picking a new place for myself and making sure that the right choice makes me a better masters holder in business. Anyways, for now this is my plan and I hope that I be a pilot better than a businesswoman.

Only GOD could make this decision....PLEASE I WANNA BE A PILOT!!!!! Work your magic dude.... Thats all I'm asking for.

...Career-tied

A lil something I'll like to share....

2009-10-28T23:14:00.002+08:00

Ok seriously who needs help with moral??? I think everyone is so confused and frustrated about the format to write and stuff but I got something which I hope will help you guys and make things much easier......

How to do Moral Esei!!!!!

Huraikan should be done like this:

Ali mengamalkan nilai bertanggungjawab .

Dia sanggup memikul tugasnya sebagai seorang pengawas (let say) dengan sempurna . Contohnya, dia menahan pelajar yang melakukan kesalahan.

Ali juga melaksanakan kewajipannya sebagai pengawas dengan sempurna . Contohnya, dia .... ….

Use the formula:

Watak+Nama nilai (format: Nilai ______; must include the word "nilai")+kata kunci1+contoh1+kata kunci 2+ contoh 2. One paragraph already.

How to do Moral Questions!!!!

See the amount of marks 2 marks / 3 marks

2 marks (Nyatakan/Beri maksud/Definisi)

1^st sentence

Nicole(Watak) mengamalkan nilai kasih sayang ( nilai).

2^nd sentence

Dia ( KGND) ada perasaan cinta yang mendalam serta berkekalan yang lahir dari hati yang ikhlas(kata kunci) dengan menyelamatkan kucing itu (contoh).

1+2 = Answer!!!!

3 marks (Huraikan/ Terangkan/ Jelaskan).

1^st sentence

Rakyat Malaysia ( Watak) mempamerkan nilai cinta akan negara.(Nilai)

2^nd sentence

Kami ( KGND) berperasaan sayang dan bangga kepada negara dan meletakkan kepentingan negara melebihi kepentingan diri(kata kunci) dengan berusaha menaikkan nama negara.(contoh)

3^rd sentence

Contohnya,( How?) menyertai dan memenangi pertandingan peringkat antarabangsa.

1+2+3 = ANSWER!!!!

Ok this is what I use to learn to do Moral Spm paper and I'm sure this is the right method as I had done countless visits to forums and searches.

Hope this could help

....stupid subject

The 1000th

2009-10-25T11:21:00.001+08:00

Yay this blog has reached 1000 views!!!!!

updates people and on coming events....

2009-10-24T00:25:00.002+08:00

OK as all of you guys know SPM is really really near and now I'm having my second SPM trail. It's about half way here still got maths, biology,physics,EST and moral. Taking a break now. Anyways graduation is coming up right after trails on November 6th, Friday and also a match with Sri Aman in the game of football on the 5th of November which is on Thursday. Not sure yet who's playing but I'm so in. The school seems emptier than usual because most of the form 3's are MIA. Yes and Prom is on the 26 or 27 of December I think according to my friend. Plans after SPM are loading as I come near to it and I may be missing for awhile doing so. Felt more relax in this exam compared to the first trail. And I hope that SPM will be easier and pray hard that there are more not so bright people in my year so that the graph will drop and make me look smarter...lolz.

...keeping up with life

sick again...

2009-10-20T11:04:00.004+08:00

Yesterday...haigh after a nice trip to my hometown and ate a whole lot I got some mild food poisoning followed by a high fever. To make things worse I have SPM trail 2 tomorrow. Sei Lor... Yesterday I woke up cause I felt very nauseous and rushed to the toilet throwing up some green bitter stuff also known as bile. Right after that I felt there was a acid like taste up in my throat and in my mouth. The feeling was horrible. Drank about 1/2 cup of milo and then 5 minutes later threw up again. My body was so weak and dehydrated. Felt like dying. My stomach was crying out of hunger so I drank another half and went straight to my room and trying to concentrate not to throw up again. And so I felt asleep doing so. About lunch, my mum took me to see the doctor but he is out to lunch. So she drove to a cafe and ate there. For me I have to witness her eating but almost everything I eat gets out after 5 minutes. Sad. So I was feeling so miserable and a cat came along. It sat there miaow-ing so I kinda talked to it. See I was so sick till I spent time talking to a cat. I called it Comel. And later I decided to call it Dr.Comel. Lunch passed and after the doctors I went home. I ate the medicine and went to sleep. That was around 1pm. When I woke up it was 8pm. Lolz... slept for 7 hours. I was so drowsy and lifeless. That was when I knew that I had fever and took a temperature. It was freaking high. After medicine I slept at 9.30pm till 10.30am the next day. Just imagine how many hours I had slept!!!

...sick of being sick

A Perfect place but you're not here....

2009-10-18T23:31:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I was in Melacca and I went to this place near the seaside to eat dinner. The place was fully redone as I was shocked when I went there. After dinner, I took a walk along the seaside and to this pier. There was the sunset. The most beautiful one I had ever seen. I stood there taking it all in and the cool sea breeze. I stood there till the sky was pitch black overlooking the ocean. It was the perfect place to get away fro all the problems and crap which we all deal everyday. I stood there thinking about things which are about to come towards me and you. I really want you to be there with me at that time but cant. I stared and think about eveything. As I gaze up above me I saw a whole blanket of stars which were shining brightly that night. I just dont know why things were so unbelievable that day. I looked hard for the most shiny one and closed my eyes and made a wish. Telling it about everything which I want to happen. Not greedy but just 3 wishes. All and all, right after that fireworks went off. Lighting the dark sky. It went on for about 5 minutes. If you could be here with me you would see the world I see.

....just prayed for your deepest wish

Something I'll hold onto forever

2009-10-14T16:30:00.002+08:00

Although I've done wrong and things didnt work out but I'm still having feelings which I had and still have now. There are times I just wanna let it go but cant. Finally thinking straight, I am actually so in love with you till there is no end and at the same time it hurts when I see you suffering while I'm not there to take it all away. I felt so useless and I wanna make it up to you but unfortunately cant. The fact is I dont know how to let someone go and give way for others. You make me so messed up till I dont know how to solve this. When times which I cant be there where I should be I always feel so left out and a sence of emptyness which I feel. Just wanna say that hold onto something which means alot to you dont ever let it go. Dont forget it but remember it.

...something which cant be heard

when you miss somebody...

2009-10-11T23:24:00.005+08:00

Whenever you miss somebody there are feelings which is indescribable to post here but I'm telling you there are such things. I don't know how to explain it but this is what I describe my feeling now. It feels like I wanna see that person so badly but when I do so I don't know what to say. Wanna tell how I feel but cant say it out. Keep thinking about times when we were and felt like I wanna hold your hand at the same time thinking should I. Wanna look into your eyes like before but will you look back. Cant express anything and afraid that the situation turns cold. And later you walk away. Dont know when will see you again and cant call you or even text you. Dont know are you still thinking of me or already move on. All I can do is watch you from a distance cant be seen or cant be heard of. Silently stand in th dark corner not to be seen by you. Feelings which are sealed forever.

...past now and always till forever