Am I the cause of this?

Everyone tends to leave when they get close. Why? Is A not worthy of their stay or its too hard for them to be around me? First is B then C. A dont ever wanna be in love anymore. Its too tiring and to costly for A to bear. Can A play another round in this losing game? Forget about love and the adrenalin in the game which A is good at? Its soo close and just an inch forward A could grab it? Why is it like this whenever its so close but far away? Its so frustrating whenever this happens and makes me feel that I am not worthy at all. Did A risk everything for the both of them didnt mean a thing? Is A gonna live as if its just a stupid memory and nothing happened? What about all those things that they felt? An epic story where whatever A does could never get anything? Not even the truth and just living with assumptions of A's life. A has lied and cheated and paid the price. Have learnt the lesson and had changed. Still not worthy. Sad to say that A is tired of love. Tired of thinking and willingly to die alone where time comes. No one wants a used to be liar/cheater. Guilty till death.

... not worthy at all in the eyes of two people

change...

I cut my hair today and its soooooooooooo frikin different and also its really short... and my fringe is short and it kinda looks like a lil longer version of justim beiber's hair... its weird but what the hell...

"Its time for a change" - Barrack Obama....

...random

my deepest message...

I know that next Monday you guys are having a match. Although I cant be there, I just wanna let you guys know that I'll be with you guys in your individual selves as you guys step onto the court and when the whistle blows. I want you guys to know that I am not putting pressure on you guys anymore like last year. I was so tensed because I promised something and that is the last chance to bring it home. Thanks to you guys and your support I did it which you guys know its close to the impossible. I want all of you to take a moment and get fired up not only to hopefully win but also DONT ever blame or get upset personally. As a team and friend I advise you to always remember its only a game. Losing doesnt mean you guys suck because each of the players especially the first five I know how much you want this and effort that you put in and being pushed really shines in my eyes as you guys are the best. Win or lose it doesnt matter as long as you did your best and I am happy enough. Winning is just a bonus. With evey step you walk in the court and each short of breath you fight with holding on, my whole heart and soul is with you and of course luck. Sending all my energy to you guys, GOOD LUCK.

... with you always

never felt free-er...

Since I met you I have felt this connection and at the first glance I knew something is gonna change. Things were great and I had been on a mood roller coaster ride with you all along and now I'm finally off. I know I said that countless of times but now I know its for real. Well, there are somethings when you learn to let go even you had been trying for years to find the strength to do so will finally come. The reason that I took this long is because everything that I were and stuff around me reminds me of you. Even the slightest bit is just enough to make me freeze into the time where it were. Now out from the old and now currently in a whole new environment had made me forget more faster and look forward. Living in the past had taken a toll in what that was suppose to be greatly show its signs. Still keeping you with me but not as before. As a memory and a lesson. Not to beloved anymore and hope that once is enough for me. All I want is you to be happy and be the person who I once knew and believed. The strength so great where it pushes me and drives me but now it fades away when someone who came in and took all the load that I need to push myself further to get closer to you. Without that load I became lazy and slacked alot from what was. I gave you what I promised and I had done it. Getting it back where it belongs. Now I feel free as a bird and I have learnt to build fences before I let anyone in my heart again.

... securing the area before another breakdown which takes years to fix

Scholarships are fucked up...

When you get your SPM results you start to apply scholarships although your results are ok ok only just to try your luck and just pick you from the bunch of fucking enclosed nerds with kazillion of A+++. I'm officially pissed off when what I'm doing now. My dad just scolded me for no fuckong reason and I'm trying to save his two cents. Well fuck the scholarships and just go to the fucking college. Why am I doing this? Eveytime I see the requirements for those scholarships are all like strictly for 8 and 9 A+ only!!. I know that my results wernt what I expected but what about others which are fine in all points and the results is only reasonable. Dont tell me that fucking retarded people with no verbal skills or IQ with straight fucking A's only can get scholarships. The ones which have NO life and just literally does quantum physics for the fun of it. What about us?? The exposed and polished and the ones which just great all around but with only a fair result. Where do we go? Does anyone notice the inner personality and the presentable outlook besides the A's? Seriously, people with straight A's which have exposure or sociality among others and who speak out and be heard are more deserving than the ones which I have mentioned. I just dont know it's fair for others like me. Without meeting you and actually talk to you, you guys cross us out of the picture just because the lack of a number of A's. Well just to tell you people who choose these fucking people or does the scholarship selection A's,in a result doesnt effect the shit of your work that you are gonna contract them. I am surely not severely disappointed with my results but this make me realize more about the unfairness of street smart people are not recognized and overshadowed by the amount of A's from a under qualified person who just could be overpowered anytime by the ones which actually uses our brains to function and not blindly memorize to get effing A's in their results.

ps: If you have straight A's and have a life and not studying as book scanners are 10000% deserving. I'm talking about ones which cant speak properly and have no confidence and an also unpolished appearance and also does nothing but EAT fucking books. Dont meant to insult anyone but just trying to make a point here.

...book scanners are useless in the outside world

somethings are not ment to remain forever...

As life kept moving, so as us growing towards time. We get older by the moment and also wiser. Not only we leave our little shell to a new world outside it we also meet new and different type of people and we may not have each other to go through it together. Things change as time goes by for the better or worse as our fate depends on its ongoing. We cant do anything but follow the drawn path of our life and somehow live it with our very best. Not to mention as we grow apart we change into a better person. More current and more ourselves. S on we realize that we wernt what we use to be when we're young and naive. All because of the new environment and the new faces which we see each day a step forward and to reveal the untold story of our great novel. Unsuspected life is the best from what I think makes life itself worth living. Like writing pages of our individual books and will somehow stop writing itself as we leave. Who knows that we might cross each other pages in the future or meet someone worth dying for. Someone out there to spend your whole life with or someone unexpected to help you when you fall. You may guess but you'll never know. Some people are comfortable the way they are just like me and the next thing you know you're gonna be a mess up tomorrow or the year after. Some want to know their ending of their story and some planned it the wat it should be written. Nothing works that way as it will never be what it would end up to. To think of it why make plans anyway?? Why make plans where you know that it will never be what it is suppose to be? Why the waste of time and effort? It only exist as a guideline to push yourself and give the very best of you. Is it worth it? Without plans where will I end up? Plans to me are just something like a draft. Something which could be scribbled on and cross out whenever opportunities come along to improvise the path of my life.The definition. To guide myself to stepping forward a painful step and not long later will be a giant leap to my future. To make me suffer before I can take it when I grow any older to bear the pain of the burden. All that I know is what I'm doing now is gonna somehow repay itself tomorrow. Wanna wish everyone that good luck for tomorrow as they will be receiving their SPM results. Hope what we give in had payed off tomorrow as the results roll in.

...a new chapter

..plain crazy

the first car I've driven... picture not clear as i was greatly zooming

Well, you guys know when you turn 18 its gonna be different than all of the other years. The year where smoking and alcohol are legal and theres driving classes to attend to and college and everything else. Scary as it sounds its fucking tiring. Not to mention some work just to pass time and wait for their admission to college like me. My most hectic year ever. 2010. Turning 18 is tough and being 18 is tougher. I have to wake up early everyday and feel so worn out later. No beauty sleep for me in a long time. Yesterday I have attended my pre L. I drove a kancil.WOOOOOHOOOOO (at first) but later it was like meeehhh... Was kinda happy though. My instructor showed me how to drive a manual car for half and hour and th next 2 and the half hours he stood in a pondok and let me drive ALONE!!! Everyone had their instructors with them and mine??!? Was so sure of me and let me drive alone on my first day of driving in my life. Cool dude anyway. I felt older and more adlutish.... (you know what I mean) Everything is crazy now and things are turning and going so fast. Could I get hold of it together or just fluck hard? Fun at 18 hahahahahah lolz... Anyways you young people reading this at least you guys will get a heads up on turning 18... Especially the seventeeeeeennnnnssssss.... hahahaha

...worn out

Ignorance is an addiction...

Hearts which were one but now its in two

A simple mistake and it all comes down

When its torn its uneven

One is more than the other

What am I to do with this half?

Am I being played when I'm playing?

Is it true something is still there

Wherever I go there is some other

Ready to fill the torn edges of my heart

None fits the shredded

Things are hard to let go and to accept

When I was open so wide before

Let everything in and forgot to build fences

Now its no purpose building at all.

Unprotected and bare of feelings

Seconds past as if were yesterday

Where were you when I was needed

Where was I when you were needed

Total reshuffling of time which once was perfect

Caught in a syllable of time and dreams

Anyone please help me out of this

... stubborn heart