Change...

Not everything is forever and innocent anymore... There are places and people who we're gonna meet and probably change the way we are. I admit that change is a very powerfull thing and it has not right or wrong direction where its headding. I got emotionally affected by this as what we knew never stays the same forever. Eventhough we're the same person. I am greatly shocked and dissappointed for you. We knew each other for a loooooooong time and based on that I thought I had know you indise and out. But no. Not anymore. I have opened my eyes to the real you. The person who you're gonna be and the distance as it gets further and futher apart. I dearly miss you. I want to be right back where we were innovent and everyone was happy. No bullshit. No lies. No backstabbing and No politics. I really got fed up with all of you and there were time I given up. I dont want to be near or around you anymore.can you just be the past and stay there. Sounds like I've changed. I admit I have. Well as change is what we cant avoid or divert to. I'm sorry to say that I dont want to be in your world anymore.leave me in peace where I could only change for good and be good till theday I die. I dont want to end up like you. I dont need help from my parents or my friends. I must learn to stand firm before it is too late. I need to learn it the hard way. I dont blame my parents of being the devil sometimes. I really appreciate it. I hope that you guys see this clearer than fantasy cloud-ing your sight now. Its never too late.

...for better or worse, for richer or poorer

What have I gotten into??

Status


Days passed and comes the time to update my dusty old blog.. So during the weekends I went to Ipoh for no certain reason. Randomly too. I woke up and my dad said pack your bags we're going to Ipoh. Quite frozen and in denial but I followed. I didnt wanna go because acconting exams were on monday. That freaked me out but I packed it along. Reached there and I was stuffed with Ipoh's local food 24/7. I never felt hungry or something close to it. I got so hyper and drank 2 iced white coffee one after another. Lastly went to a nearby waterfall and spent quite some time there. It was beautiful and relaxing. But the accounts was still in my mind. What a I to do? The next day back home I woke up at 5.30 am just to study accounts. And the test took its place a few hours later. I got a good feeling that I passed my coursework. God help me. I need all the luck I need.

... prayer

Dream I

This happened the day before Ipoh. You were in some dinner and I say you. I was in the corner standing and was looking for something to do. No one there was familiar to me and there were crowds of people which I havent met before. Weird I was there. Attending it. You were talking to somebody and I saw you. Your friend left. You suddently turned to my direction. I saw you but I didnt look away. That moment was what I remembered last time when it had happened a few times. That feeling came back again. That dream still echoed my mind as I see it everytime whenever I close my eyes.

...why??

Shittyness and disappointment...

Yesterday my grandma had some severe eye sore and at 12 midnight my mom rushed her to the nearest clinic for treatment. Unfortunately, many of them were closed. Finally she went to a hospital. The doctor said that my grandma may have a ruptured nerve or a mini stroke. For better consultation she was advised to got to Uni Hospital. They came back at almost 2 am in the morning. Actually it doesnt happen like that at first, the actual reason that this happened is because of my dumb-wit uncle and my nonsensical aunt who had a fight with her causing her to get so stressed out and in tears. The verdict? A scenario about some maggie me. I mean WTF?!! Nevermind.. Today I was awaken by my grandma's phone call. She said that her eyes were worse and needed help. I jumped out of bed and told my mum. We rushed there and took her to our house to wait for my dad and granddad to come back. We thought that nobody was home then but... my irresponsible aunt was. WoW... Later around 12 ish we went to Uni Hospital and waited for the consultation. Almost 4 hours wasted there doing nothing and my grandma was in so much pain till my heart start to feel heavy. All I can do is watch and there nothing that I could do to make it go away. I felt stupid and useless. But I kept hoping that she'll be alright. The general doctor called the eye specialist to come and consult and there another hour had gone. Later check-ups were made and she was then admitted to the hospital. While settling down there we went and ate and to get her stuff from her house. Now this part is just wrong and sickening. While I help my granddad to pack, my fucking uncle and his asshole wife were watching tv happily as if nothing was happening. They knew that my grandma had admitted to the hospital but in them I DIDNT see a glimpse of EMPATHY OR CURIOSITY OR JUST PLAIN FUCKING ANYTHING IN THEM. I mean WTF man you fucking mom is in the hospital in so much fucking pain which you are responsible off and you are giving the I DONT GIVE A FUCK attitude right infront of you dad. Just plain cold creatures and to top it off my granddad was so disappointed till he wanted to move out and live alone rather than to put up with a FUCKING BASTARD SON WHERE HE THINKS HE IS SO FUCKING GREAT. Well if anything happens I WILL NEVER FORGIE YOU AND I DONT EVER WANT ANY FUCKING THING TO DO WITH YOU as I already know you are some fucking monster which I was so unlucky I was related to you. The FUCKING uncle which I dont wanna have. YOU MADE EVERYBODY'S DAY!! THANKS MOTHAFUCKER!! If she knew she had a son like you she rather stuff you up her pussy when you were still a fucking child with nothing. Be carefull before karma turns around and bite you in the ass and your nuts.

...old people are still people asshole!!

ps: Be good to old folks and never abandon then or push them away because without them you will be on some fucking period pad and in some dried up cum in some firkin toilet bowl...

The End

I guess you got what you want. Though heavy hearted, I have to make it the best of it. Next year is gonna be different. Very different. I hope you do well this time. And I think this is much better for you rather than what you had originally planned. I hate this phrase and most of the time I never ment this but I just want you to hear me say it : I'm happy if you're happy. This sentence takes alot of me to say it out. Neverless mean it. I cant cry anymore. Maybe its too early to do so. I bet you're jumping on your bed happily. Just cant believe things passes by so fast. I just wanna see you for one more time. Just once. I gotta let go....

...words from a heavy heart.

The End

The status of a girl and her basketball...

I dunno what made me crashed yesterday... I cant sleep.. I cant do anything. I had so much to tell you but I didnt have the chance to do so. When there is a chance right infront of me, I'm afraid to speak or open my mouth. I get all twisted.. Tied up.. and you went away. I'm afraid that what I say to you I couldnt take back ever. Or risk losing you. I'm so fucked up. I bet this part of the story would never reach you. Never been said or remembered by anyone but me. Ok done with the sad part now comes the good part... Hahahaha... My best friend and my best friend are together. So I'm darn happy.. Lol.. I admit it might be weird but I hope everything stays the same and us joking around and talking crap. I've seen it coming last sem already but I dont wanna spoil the moment..Hahaha. I saw all the signs and hints but for the fun of it... Kept quiet. I've always been quiet. Back to me.. I have to study ITS. I REGRET not listening and skipping lectures. I am uneducated. I have to put my foot down and stand firm. I want an average 3.65 cgpa for me diploma. I want to go to UK. I want alot of things which I only can get for myself. My expectations are really high and flaws are not acceptable. Basketball training is on thursday and I am going. I'm afraid that at 9 pm in TBR is gonna be scary since the crime rate there is high and there are lesser busses at that time. I'm afraid. Hope that nothing is gonna happen. I am too young to die or have some phycological problem or knocked up. I'm afraid..will you tell me its gonna be ok? Would you care...I guess you dont even know or ever less care... Just wanna say the fire in me had not been burned down. I'll keep playing..Playing for you... To remember you.. To have the feeling of the game again...

The ball has feelings... Just treat it right and it will go where ever you want it to go.. - you

...the basketball story

ignored message...

I recently texted you because I was wondering how are you and what have you been up to. Just curious but I waited and waited till the next morning. No reply. This is not the first time this had been happening but I am sure you received my message but you refuse to reply. I wonder why? This is not the first time you have done this but I dont go paranoid about it because there are maybe other circumstances where you cant get back to me. I was trashed. A simple reply makes a big difference and make someone feel better. Eventhough there were things which had rattled our relationship but I am not that immature self which puts the past behind and be forgotten. I wanna remember you. In all of the ways you were. To tell you the truth. I definitely missed you. I wanted to see you. But I'm sorry you cant come first. You'll always be the second. I got over it and I bet you did too. Eventually you'll find out what was happening all along under your blinded sight. I think you knew. Thats why you wanna forget me. I understand. It was selfish. I think there is still a lil spark left by me in your heart. You just hid it from everyone including yourself and the world around you. Everyone but me. I felt it before. I know. Just dont want it to end like this. Maybe in the future where we meet again and say our goodbyes to before its too late to see you again. I want it to be memorable. Like B. It was picture perfect but Cinderella has to back early before her magical spell vanishes in your eyes reveling the timid truth about her. Always a victim of time. Your archenemy. Your demon. My reason for not being there for the both of you. Its more safer this way before you plunge too deep beyond returning to reality. I'm sorry if its too late.

...the call of my ringtone