The box...

I have a confession... I just wanna tell my deepest darkest secrets to someone. Someone who would never judge me on my actions and I know that they will forgive me at the end. Without worrying that my secret will leak out to the public and accept me for who I am. And the aftermath, I feel much better. Cant believe I'm wishing for a box with some random person inside to make me feel better. It can be any species of box, red box, wooden box,tall box, small box, tissue box, cardboard box, Xbox... hey??!! that's not it... LOL.. I'm not a spiritual person but I want a confession box. Inside that box will hold all of my secrets after I have done telling them and later just close it and put it away. When anyone opens it up, its empty. When I open it, it is also empty. As t helps me to forget what I have said and to move on. Its stupid to wish for a box. But I bet it will somehow help me.

all it takes is a call..

I know its stupid. Farfetched.Disgusted. But I know now what I am. What I am capable of. All grown-ed up. I cant hold onto things which was already gone 3 years ago. I have to move on. And I realize that someone special has taught me things which I had thought her sometime back. The student teaching the teacher. Hahahaha... Thanks J. You made me realize. I deleted B's blog and everything which I was holding on related to B. Its final. I need someone to pull me out of this. I'm stronger. I dont wanna know so much anymore. Its tiring.

..no more waiting for a change

Dream 2...

I woke up from yet another strange dream. This time I was in some type of campus or school Everything I hear ends with an echo and the sight feels dreamy. I was in school. About to get ready for my basketball match. I got my red jersey in my bag. I went to the toilet to change into my jersey as the match is beginning soon. It was actually a shack. Cold and badly built which has only cement floors which has been stained by the water it had bathed it for ample time. As I began to change, a guy walks in. I shouted at him. "Hey its a girls toilet la." He went out with an akward stare. Not long later another guy walks in, this time I got pissed. I told him off and took my stuff to the guys toilet to change which was empty. I went in and came across some guys who asked me to go out. I started to panic as I had only 10 seconds to get into the court to play. I didnt wanna change and time zapped through my thoughts as I was thinking of what to do. Times up. The whistle was blown. There were the howls and boo's thrown at my face. I was dumbfounded. I was hated. I knew what they expect from me. I didnt give myself to them. I was a wasted player who fretts and stammers. A loser. Then things were a flashing white light. I was on a bus ride to somehwhere. I look out at the window looking at the scenery of a sports day happening without a presence of a loser. I felt left out. But not emotionally. I went to the principals office and I was told that I was suspended from any sporting event ever for my whole life. I took it and went out of the room with a straight face. No tears. No words. Just a heavy lump in my pressure building chest. Then I saw B. Smiles are brought back to sully face. But still emotionless. B approached me and whispered into my ear. "I did it." B took my hand and led me up to a stairway. Used only for emergencies it was empty and dark but still visible through a ray of light from a high window. B sat down on the stairs. B werent speaking but you knew something was wrong with me. Something you see beyond what my face shows. Only you knew how. I hugged B but you wernt in motion.In a trance but B didnt repel. Soon B gave in and held me too. B said " Come away with me'. Soon B left but a folder of papers had taken B's place. I took it and went to my study table to examine it. It was full of brochures with B's pencil scribbles on it. As if B was guiding me to the plan that B had created. There was a flyer of B's campus which looks like it was on a highland with dutch-like designs to it. B circled a course. Economics. Lolz. Smiles and sillyness of B was on my mind. As I look further, there was a promotional leaflet of a macbook pro. Markings on the paper were "You I'll be needing this. Its around 4000." To my amazement you knew what I wanted. But I had already bought it. And lastly details of my room rent. B was trying to fake a random room rent so that I'll be staying with B. It says " a friendly room mate, beautiful penthouse overlooking the hills, everything you need plus.. its free of charge." B really knew how to temp me.Then it stopped. I want to leave this shithole soo bad and to just go far far away where you are. But I cant face my parents the fact. Then I woke up. I still could feel B. I know B is around. With me.

...things which are not ment to be said but feel

leaving on a jet plane...

I remembered that day when I thought that you're leaving. I broke down. I got paranoid,crazy infact. I though I was going to lose you. I didnt sleep for a week since that day. Picturing what will it be when there is no chance of bumping into you or to see you again. That swept my smile away. Thank god I had a quite long holiday. But that wasnt enough for me to get over you. When you're gone, not in my sight, thats what I thought but you kept coming back. I was over you then you came. I fell for you again. Till a certain point where you were fed up. I was broken even more. Beyond repair. In despair. That fucked up my life a lil and there goes my scholarship of being a pilot. Now in college away from school and you, I had quite a recovery. Thought I was totally over you. Until, the fact of you going away for real. To someplace beyond my reach across the ocean and through the continent far and wide. Where we are not under the same moon or sun. Its like the distance of a thousand stars. My heart really broke today. I was struggling to hold my tears the whole day and wearing the always protective mask which I have. Though all smiles I was blinded in my own tears. Trying to keep the sadness in my empty soul. All I can feel now is the pressure of erupting. There are times where you can make me go insane and there are times I'm fully human. I keep having dreams which seem so real to be true about you till the line between fantasy and reality blurs. I'm trapped. I cant see the line anymore. I'm blinded. I had to keep myself busy. Had alot of coursework to do. Hope its enough to keep my thoughts busy. To think of it I had to let you go. I knew it all along but I keep lying to myself that the date would never come. All of this seems useless when your truth slaps me in the face. I want you to move on. See the world and experience new things. But all of your future and happiness comes a price. My pain and my sanity. I am willing to give that to you. Whatever you want. Errrhemmm... I'm choking on my tears. Tears tears tears everywhere. Its peeling from the corer of my eyes now. I better stop. I need a moment. Go... just go.

...the last heartbreak

The Final Phase

All of the heartbroken-ness and the tears had finally come to an end for me. I still miss you and wish things could have been better. I want whats best for you. A future but without me being there to enjoy and witness all of the barriers and celebrations with you. To see you smile and lightened up again after a heavy storm is like I'm about to drown and in complete darkness and somehow there is life being implemented into my dead body. If you're wondering I had being broken and somehow I managed to put back all of the pieces not completely but it starts to take shape. Picking the sharp shards of broken glass with wounded hands is what its like. I glad to say I had lived through a heartbreak the first one and followed by a broken crush. I actually feel more stronger and less afraid of what this earth is gonna throw at me. I'm glad the last thing what you have taught me was to break me and to learn myself how to pick up the pieces. I thank you for that. For everything. I found and old folder in the computer and it was some outdated blog posts and msn chat conversations. I reread it and I was clearly a stupid ass for love. Hahahaha.. silly me :).... I had realized all of this when I met somebody in the lrt.. Somebody I dont know but somehow I sense a connection. Though I'll never see you again you had made me realize that its not over. I still have a long way ahead. More stories and thoughts to come...

Thank you anonymous person in the lrt

...after a bad dream comes a good day

something shocking...

I stopped playing sports and not getting back to it at the moment.... I guess I had to retire my bruised and battered body for something lighter for an older me... haigh my back hurts and my right elbow starts to make some funny cracking noise when I raise and lower it. My left wrist is also retarded... somehow it stopped me from putting hard pressure on it cause it hurts.... I wonder how will I survive till I'm 60 in this condition when I'm 18??!!!!

....curiosity of a battered soul

First post of the month of October...

Recently went to melacca for a makan trip because of missing melacca food to much. I haven been back for almost 8 months and damn things had changed.... The eye on malaysia is taken down... Roads had been rerouted. And also the dataran pahlawan shopping square had also expanded. Wow cant believe that I had been away from that long for so many changes to be made. And going there had made me eat 24/7. I ate 25 sticjs of satay chelup,a packet of nasi lemak kukus with additional kangkung, and 4 puttu piring just ONLY for dinner. To top it of I ate 2 plates of mee goreng and 2 fried eggs for breakfast. That made me sick... lolz That had made me not eating for the whole of monday. Today I just had my sem 1 results and to tell you guys the truth I did quite okey-ish. I got 3 A's and 1 B- and a C+. CGPA of 3.375... I cant believe I pass my accounts. Whatever maybe its just luck I guess... Dont know at the moment whether my result sucks anot cause it;s my first exam in college. Hope this sem I do better. At least all of the subjects seems ok but on paper its another story. Hope I do well.

when I was shaking internally I thought of you,

I was really scared and search for the feeling that you're there,

Everything happened that day I'll use it for the stormy days ahead,

knowing that everything will eventually be ok and just put my foot one after another.

...positivity