In another 1 hour and 16 minutes...

This year is different. This marks the beginning of something new. Something that I should have done a long time ago. You're gonna turn older in a short time and this time I'm not gonna wish you. Which I promised you I 'll send this message each year for my whole life no matter where ever you are. I have to break that promise. If not I could never move on. Great things in the future would not reach me as I am still holding onto the past with these shaky hands. I'm not gonna lie its tempting. Now I know how much I mean to you and for even one last time to see you before you go we both cant make any effort to make it possible. It was all a big disaster. Now without you I still feel the same. But to forget the person who I knew so well, that is hard to forget. It thought me something really important but for the price of a deep cut to the core of my heart. I'm still silent. I'm still struggling. I'm fighting. I didnt read your blog for a long time now. And that lets me to let loose even more. I'm glad I'm progressing but not everything is over now. Now I know why, if we ever did make it so say goodbye, I couldnt function and you'll leave with more disappointment. Stupid.. Things could have gone better if we wer'nt like this... Nice to know you're smiling and there is nothing I could do now but to just say...

Happy Birthday

You're soon legal but dont screw up your life eventhough you are allowed to drink in public.. I cant bear to see you like that again.. You know better... :)

...empty wishes

Update : Mr. Nice Guy...

Since the message on my last blog, it seems that Mr. Nice Guy could have stop responding... Is it that he already made a decision? Or its too early to judge.. lol I'm impatient... Me and my anxiousness.. Anyways.. I hope everything doesnt turn out to be bad and awkward...

..random wonders

Bk Tinggi... EPIC...

I just came back from Bk. Tinggi and I seriously wont be going back there again. Time passes by so slowly and there is nothing to do there at all. Bummer... I should have brought my laptop.. The weather there is nice though.. How I wish I could bring the weather there to my own home here.. Its been long since I've updated but wth... Lol... Anyways I had the idea of working this sem break but... I dont think I'm gonna... Not in the rush of saving money for a new ipod touch... Rather I would like to take my time... I think the next release is on September.. My ipod shuffle now is almost dead and it keeps pausing for no reason.. Well I guess it is already old.. falling apart after a long life of 3 years.. Not bad fo a free gift.. People might think.. Why not get an Iphone.. Why the ipod touch? Its because my phone is not gonna die and it has a kickass camera where no apple item could beat. I am happy with my phone. A phone is a phone. An Ipod is an Ipod. I believe seperate things have its own specific speciality... Phone has buttons and a numerical keypad. Well on the ipod tough is an entertainment device. I hope I get it soon. Now exams are all over... I hope I do well.. Now I'm not praying for getting a pass for FOA but an A for IOM which I did badly... The only subject that I thought I had no problem with but at the last minute bit me right in the ass... Talk bout backstabbing subjects... I havent seen my grandparents for the longest time ever.. I dearly miss them... How I wish I could grow up faster and take care of them... They are the light of my life.. Without them I could not function and die of misery... I'm gonna see them during CNY Yay this time Its back in melacca... FINALLY!!! I miss going back to melacca all the food and my lil flat house where I wish its gonna be there forever... Happy times...

Ps: Mr. Nice Guy.. Please make up your mind.. Dont waste my time...

...uncertain break

People and their age...

As time goes on, people are being more wiser and more Conscious. Well as time goes on so as age. Well as we, the society, define intelligence with their age. Some people had lived through their middle age and still not as wise as a city teenager. Not only their age but also the environment where they were raised and things that they had experienced through their lives. As for the quote " What doesnt kill you makes you stronger" is widely used I could purpose that experiences determine the wiseness of people despite of their age. The reason why I point this out is that my parents dont know my level of intelligence. How I function or how I take on a task anymore. Compared to the lil me in the earlier years, I feel that they dont know the current 'me'. It gets annoying when they still treat me as a baby and want to do things for me as I look incapable in their eyes. How the hell am I gonna grow up when you keep doing things for me. I am so pissed off with them but I cant tell them. I'm afraid that if I do tell them, they will realize that their lil gurl is growing so fast till they cant catch hold of her anymore. What is the hardest for a parent to do is to let go of their lil girl to explore the hazardous and wonderful world outside their arms. I myself know I'm ready but telling them so is a really selfish thing to do. In the same time, its killing me when they do that. So I guess I'm caught up in this situation. Am I growing too fast for my own good or the perspective of them towards their lil gurl is too slow? I think I grow faster compared to people of my age. I take quizzes in the net and it concludes that I live like I'm 40. That is a compliment nor an insult to my routine. I guess that I'm just a forty year old trapped in a 19 year old body. Epic right... I cant wait to get out of here, get my own place, and live far away from my parents. I hope I have a good life. Succeed in the essentials of life. I cant live in hell hole anymore. I want out as soon as I finish my studies and get a job. I dont mind a crappy job but just enough to get away. I need that now. I'm tired here.

...old teenager

crazieee surveys!!! numba 3 (deep thoughts)

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?: looking into someones eyes and telling then how I feel...

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?: I was angry because of restrictions. Yes but I try not to..

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago nonstop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?:I'll call either D or C... I'll tell them I love them..

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?: No, I will do what makes me happy without wasting any second of it...

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust: Love.. Because trust without love is not enough for me..

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dog’s life?: Yes.. and after that I run to the office...

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?: Depends..On how much I love them.. If they are the one where I strongly believe so then I'll be honest with them...

8. Your friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?: Depends If I have feelings towards them or not.. If not then we'll remain friends...

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?: No..

11. Does love = sex?: Yes..

13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?: It was B. I told them I was sorry...

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?: Tell that you dont love them...

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?: giving up the love of my life.. Because great loves only comes once if you're lucky...

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?: never had the chance... they were amazing people...

18. Imagine: it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?: D... hehehehe

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?: Yes... Because someone is dying duhh... then afterwards I'll buy a bottle of listerine...

21. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your reason for making the decision?: The older one.. Because the old had lived life but the newborn hasnt...

22. Are you old fashioned?: not really..

23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?: My parents...

24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?: true love with a broken heart... Worth ever heartache of it... lol

25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?: I wish that I become what I wanna become in the future... Live a happy life and fall in love.. Again.. hahahahah

...behind the layers

Back to thyself..

What I wanna say is I'm back to the old me... No more emoness. Just pure happiness and awkwardness.. Hehehehe... At the moment I'm studying for MacroEcons exams tomorrow. This time I really gotta study... I've been rotting for a long time now.. When exams are over, I will rot for another week and maybe work. I miss the old cafe. I miss the coffee machine. Before all of this I used to sleep to peacefully and with ease. Now, its weird cause I cant even sleep at all. I have to either gulp down some alcohol or tire myself just to sleep. I hope this doesnt drag on long before I become an official alcoholic or a hyperactive victim. This doesnt help at all with my now stressful state. I have shown signs of pimples and sleepiness these days. I look dreadful. I need rejuvenation. After B's departure, I found something quite interesting. From that onwards it changed my whole direction of life. Everything with just one picture. I immediately back off. This is not the person who I once knew. No worries. I am now very happy with C. Someone who is there. Nice to know somebody is around. Life now is rather slow and boring. Its always the predictable stuff and the daily routine. I need a spark in my life. Not love but something interesting. Something to get my blood pumping. You made my day and when you tell me stuff is as if I'm the only one here. I really like that. Its weird we have quite alot in common but sadly we're not ment to be. I cant have you if I wanted to. You're the sweetest and the most down to earth. I'm crushing quite hard but stayed calm as I am not alone myself. I know its confusing but you'll never get it. I really like what we have. I want you to be my best friend. Maybe sometime in the future when we're not bounded by our commitment. Then we'll work something out together. I think we'll be awesome. :)

...the perfect one but not mine.(yet.. hehehe)

The airport..

I wanted to be a pilot.. The reasons why is that so is that I could bring people together no matter how far they're apart. I could go and explore this beautiful world because I dont know when will I die. I'm actually not afraid of death. So dying in a flash of your eye does not bother what my job requires. Though people may fear for me but most important I'm not afraid for myself. The happy part is to bring people together but the sad part is now when you're gone I realize that being a pilot also brings people away from friends and family. Sending someone who will be dearly missed by their loved ones away. I believe that not every decision is a good decision. Eventually something bad will happen. Well, that's just a part of life. I dont know where are you now. Still here or long gone but I just wanna tell you something if you're reading this. I felt something yesterday. Something made me breakdown dreadfully and I burst into tears. Just like that. Crying like I never did for a very long time. Too long to remember in fact. I hate when I am so confident in something and choked in the last minute. Now I know where am I in your heart. No where. Not anymore. I guess I'm the last to let go. I have to get over it. I wanted to see you before you go but.... All I get is no reply from you. Call it cold but I thank you for doing so. I actually didnt wanna say goodbye to you or let you know that I knew you're leaving. What the heck one after another temptation has taken my soul and I went out and reached for you. No reply... I knew you were leaving a looooong time ago. Way back when you applied for various Uni's in the overseas. I prepared myself already. I swear I wont break down. No matter how I withstand it, I couldnt. Now I know why I didnt become a pilot. a good enough reason why so. It's because no matter how many planes I'll fly or how many people that I have brought together from parts of the world, I would never bring back you. Bring back all the lies. Bring back all of the sadness. The most of all bring back time. Now as a economic student, I will learn to predict the future so that people in my future would not be hurt and lied to by me ever again. I would learn to appreciate them. Be stable. Attainable. Instead of being everywhere and live an ongoing life for the rest of my life. I wanna be settled. I dont wanna fly to another and leave them there and fly to another.

Dear B,

Hope you find this. I'm sorry for all of thing and hurt that I had caused you. I'm sorry for everything that made your life miserable. I'm sorry for you not fulfilling your dream. I'm sorry I ran back and forth. Finally I realized that I'm guilty. I am not asking for an apology. I dont wanna start over. The damage is too deep to be stitched back and heal. Eventhough it has healed it would leave a horrible scar. My prayers were answered. Bringing you away. That's what I prayed. Now even better. Further as it seems. No matter what happens, I will always remember you. The good and the ugly. But there is a last wish I hope that you forget bout me. I'm confident that we will not cross paths again. I want you to live a happy life. Away from me and all of the dreadful things in life. Find somebody who treats you right. Anyone but me. Take care of yourself when youre gone. I guess this is the end. Goodbye B.

... last tears from a quiet lion