The 10 things I hate bout myself...

I've made this list cause I feel that I've been an ass. I'm sorry. By sorting out these issues with myself I hope I could be a better person.

1. I wanna go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do without thinking of others.

- this had happened for quite sometime now and I've noticed from a third persons view that

I seriously dont give a damn of stuff around me as long as I'm fine.

2. I have the habit of playing mind tricks with people.

- I might give you a message of something's going on but later forget bout it when I find

someother to mess with. I let you in and push you out when I'm bored.

3. I lie with my eyes open and keep a straight face doing so.

- I have an ability to tell lies and it is impossible to tell the difference. You dont know

whats real and fake. It's my defense mechanism. Its a habit. Its an instinct.

4. I make empty promises.

- I have made a ton of promises which are somewhat important to you but it's only

important to me in that moment only. I have lost count on how many of them not

fulfilled.

5. I suddenly get upset bout stuff for no particular reason.

- I have a roller coaster mood swing and I could be up in your face or by your side.

I could be upset easily when I expect something is coming but switch roads.

6. I have a terrible rage.

- You made me pissed the first time its cool. You made me pissed the second time you better

watch your back. The third time you make me pissed I'mma backstab you in every

oppourtunity I have.

7. I hold onto things really badly

- I hold onto stuff for a very long time and I am very determined and stubborn about

pursuing it. I never back down even everything asks me to.

8. I am a perfectionist.

- I get pissed off when things arent done right or turned out what I have in mind.

9. I silently hate people and never tell why is that so

- I secretly hate you and everytime I see you I feel like I'm wasting daylight entertaining you.

I never tell anyone why and leave thing unsolved.

10. I keep everything in my heart

- Even my best friends of more than 10 years dont know who am I. I never tell the anything

bout me. I always live in a shadow. I tell then nothing bout my life.

I think from reading this you dont wanna be my friend anymore. But this is the ugly side of me. I hope that this doesnt effect on what you think about me. I'm trying to change. I really am. This list in my 2011 resolution to becoming a better person the world can love.

... the ugly me

Cant sleep..

I felt tired. Just wanna close my eyes and float away to somewhere which I was familiar with. As I close my eyes I felt different. Like somebody who the world had never seen. A living shadow. A white phantom who floats along with the mists of the morning. All seem to real when I feel or experience something which was not even there for the reality but as a creation in my twisted mind. A great gift which no one knows and treasure. Nobody but me. Some fantasy which makes me realize something more than others as they overlook the finest detail of time. Experiences. Moreover feelings. They always label something so subjective yet similar to ones eyes. Ones feelings and situations. Without labels there will be no clue of explanation of the feeling or moment described. Can something so subjective which we go thru everyday of our lives be labeled? Be categorized and be judged? As I turn from side to side I feel there is no border. No boundaries where dreams often tangled up with reality. I live in delusion. Often dangerous where it tend to claim lives and souls who cant seem to take it anymore who jumps to hell from the very top of the building straight through ground puncturing the earth's crust all the way to hades lair. I know some did. As things makes us more delusional, do we know the difference anymore? I woke up in the crack of dawn. Seeing the sky pitch black wondering if its night or day without looking at the face of time which draws borders in our lives. The more civilized the more borders society draws. Will early stone age men know what are borders? Boundaries? They simply act at his own will and let life takes him where he ends up. He doesn't care if the heavens or hell will accept his soul when he dies. Realizing all of this, I know there are no borders with you. I know how you feel even you're a lightyears away. I feel you. Is there anyone could explain to me how does this happen? Or am I delusional?

...on the border of fantasy and reality

I'm kinda sorta maybe happy???!!!

I havent felt like this for a long time now. I developed a feeling towards you and I, at always have to take control of myself. I really like you but I cant go further. You're not what I thought I'll be falling for cause you're not like any other as I've seen. You're special and this quality that you have is extremely rare. I'll say yes if you want to but currently I cant. I'm not that type of girl. Be true to yourself and be true to others. I dont wanna cheat my way to your heart. Not again. I dont want this to happen. I know. I paid my price. It seems that I'm rather afraid that this year would end. I wonder what will it be like the next? Will it be happier? Will it be more exciting? I seriously dont know. I'm glad what I prayed for came true. You got what you wanted. Something which makes you happy. To tell you honestly, every time I pray and wish for something is that you'll be happy even I'm not there. Live a happy life and just be the person who I know you are. Congratulations you archived it. I will always remember you as if it had left something in my heart. Times like these are the most beautiful and times like these are the most heartbreaking. I have times which I had broken down and I had times I built myself up. This is your time... Good luck..

...mr. ?, prayers, and an old friend.

Moving on...

I'm so totally absolutely over B. But I wont forget bout B. Remember what is was and hope to experience it again. I guess I had gotten over something which I had been holding onto for about 4 plus years now... I am proud of myself.. Bye..

...its gone all gone :)

You had to know..

I have a confession.

Now that you're gone I dont feel sad.

Eventhough its far too late.

Very soon that you know what I truly feel .

Everyone cant see through me but you did.

Rather ridiculous but I promise you its true.

Saw you for the last time a year ago.

Thought everything will be ok. But it didint.

Odd enough you invited me there. I went.

Presumably you thought I'll stay with you but no. I left.

Lost you and there's no turning back.

Of course you already forgotten about me.

Very reluctantly I still held on.

I woke up today and the feeling is gone.

Nothing I could remember of you.

Going away without saying goodbye I had to do to you.

You're soon gonna be half way around the world.

Obviously you wont miss me.

Unbearable truth I coming towards me. What can I do to ask you to stay?

...the hidden message.

PS: Read all of the cap. letters.

What can I do?

How I wish that I have the powers of GOD for only a day. Everything will be different. Everything will not be hidden anymore. The truth will be unleashed. I seriously don't know what to feel. Should I feel insecure again or feel relieved that you're gonna leave? Should I break down and cry my hear out or should I just stare at the moon saying my goodbyes. I have come to a conclusion. I cant do anything to change the fact. Even with the powers of god I still wouldn't do it. I guess now I understand that when you love someone too much it will fail terribly. You cant hold onto someone forever. Even you have found your true love and lived happily forever someone must die first and leave the other alone. Nothing is forever. I knew it a long time ago but kept it from myself. Even my message to you I haven't got a reply after a week. I guess its easier for everyone. I know. I understand.

...the hands of god

The Immortal...

I was born and I was given love at the very first breath. I grew older and met people with a different kind of love. Friendship. Later at 9, I had a passionate love. Love of sports. I decide to give as much love as I can as it also loves me back. I was really on top of the world with this love. Its like nothing will ever stop me from loving it. All of it. Later I got a pet dog and I fell love when it licked my face and its cute fluffy fur. I melted. It was different. I had to take responsibility to love it. That kept me loving it for years. Later I was struck with love at my very first sight at 14. Te feeling was out of this world and it did gave me some kind of secure and insecure sense of my state. I was heads over heels. I never felt this before and I wanna to know more. As soon as I reach a year older, I was overwhelmed with joy. Something made me know that I wasn't alone feeling this. I was caught off guard and remembered every moment of it. Its like embedded in my mind and no matter how much I tried to shake it, it would never leave. That love for that year was out of this world. The amount of words I put to describe it is never enough to paint the exact feeling or situation I was in. I indeed was in cloud 9. Floating as if I could never fall back to earth. The year ended and I though love was going to fade away. I cried and I though it was over. When I was 16, I fell in love again. This love wasnt like the first one. I loved and later it grew paler and paler as time goes by. I dont understand how could the first love be more powerful than the second as I spent more time with the second. I still couldnt understand why. I tried to find the reason why by analyzing and asking a million of questions where nobody could answer me. All I got was 'fate'. That made me think. How could the first be so choreographed and sculpted to perfection and then burned by the flame of misery and the devil, time. Though it was all caught in flames, the spirit and the soul still remains. It came back and hunt me from time to time where I still have images of you. I kept having dreams till reality for me had gone blurry. There are time I hallucinate in broad daylight and feel things that weren't there at night. I had a problem. I knew I needed help. I called a friend and she made me wake up. For only a moment. Then I was then back to my old habit again. Now I have no love. No love for anything and everything is meaningless to me. Just a black shadow. I live in darkness. A world with no colour. When I knew, I count the days till you leave for something more important. I knew this had to come. I am prepared. I will break down and that moment will stick to my mind. I will continue on my life and do whats best for me. Go to UK and perhaps work there if its possible. Then I'll save a lot of money and migrate to where you are. Staying in San Francisco or New York. From every free time there I'll find you with clues you gave out. I will live hunting. And when all hope is lost I will watch upon you from far. Knowing that you're always happy and have a great life. Life with no regrets. Whatever it takes. Like a guardian angel looking after you. When I die at around 82, I'll take my last breath and close my eyes with the memory of you. The thought of you. And everything that I loved. This is love. Love is the immortal.

.... my immortal