Pictures of you...

Can you tell when that person is happy or just faking it? After what had hapenned between us, I can see you had put on a show telling me that you're ok . I wasnt that blind to notice that you are hurt as well. All those pictures when I'm with you were all smiles but when you're with someone else it wasnt the same smile. The way you smile is through your eyes not your expression. I still could felt the stinging pain which we had and I am really sure that you still have it too. Through that picture I knew how you felt just by looking into your eyes. Sad to say things had happened and we cant turn back. Now when I see your picture, I can say that you are slowly recovering just like me but the scar which I have hurt you still potraies in your eyes.

...when I look into your eyes

Sexist...

The word sexist is a very uncivilised word to be used these days. What does guys can do girls cant? Why are guys better than girls? The news that have reached me today was AirAsia maby wont be employing female pilots. To me was WTF??!!! On that very second my thoughts crashed. My future gone and my hopes.... haigh.. What was problem hiring female pilots? Aren't we good enough? From my point of view, this is so unfair and sexist. Those uncivilised minds who have even thought of his is totally an idiot or ball-less. I think they're scared of their machoism being beaten by girls. I was devastated and disgusted. The bottom line is I AM FRIKIN PISSED OFFFFF!!! AARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!! The frustration. The anger. The hopes and dreams are maby down the frikin drain. If I know who had even had the slightes idea of bringing this up I am gonna kick their ****ing a** off like they never had been kicked you mo****f***e**!!!!

(sorry for the harsh language... I'm just letting out some steam)

...unfairness

Sorry...

Where was I when you needed me,

You keep all the things you wanna say,

Why was I blind from what I see,

When I cant be there you say "its ok",

I felt that I've hurt you,

The guilt which slowly eats me,

I wanna let you know its true,

I just dont know did you see,

Cant be around when you're sad,

Cant be around when you're being hurt,

Wish to take that time to make you glad,

I really mean every thing and every word,

Feeling useless for not being there,

The worst is I cant even help,

I wasnt there when you're scared,

I just hope you dont lose what we've felt,

I wanna be there no matther what,

I'm sorry to leave you alone,

From the real words from my heart,

Let all those sadness be gone,

...useless

Reality or Fairytale?

Sometimes when you're in love you might have to come to the thought that everything will just fall into place and everything is gonna be ok. When you expect that to happen, reality comes in. There are some circumstances where you both love each other but cant be together. Its hard to find someone that give you that type of warm safe feeling which vice verca feels the same way. When you're in love everything feels right even though its totally wrong. I know allot of people feel that way and think that's its gonna last forever but the real truth is no. It is not a pleasant truth but it really is. Some people may be lucky to find the right person but weirdly reality does not come in. These are extremely lucky people and really rare. Love in reality comes after a fairytale. You can see this in a couple which is married. They treat each other differently and due to reality love slowly fades away. Its sad to say that the fact that love fades happens. If this happens why do they say love last forever? Is it worth it? Well to me, even though it only lasts for a certain time, it is worth being in love every second of my time even though it will somehow end and someone will eventually get hurt. I hope people could realize this fact and understand the reality of love.

... wannabe eye opener

R.I.P King of Pop

Today is a day to remember because its the death of a legendary artist and one of my inspiration to music. As you guys know Micheal Jackson has left us. The first time I heard the news was in the bus on the way to school. I couldn't believe it cause it was so sudden. I emoed for awhile and now still cant accept the fact that he's gone. He is labeled crazy and he didn't looked human but anyways I still am his really loyal fan and will his songs and timeless dance moves be apart of me.

You really rocked my world and got me into music. May you rest in piece and will be remembered for years to come. I'll miss you... Bye....

....remembered forever

Why

I dont know why I fell for you

But eventually I was hurt

Everywhere I see is always 2 by 2

I just cant help to overheard

Sitting alone in the rain

Trying to figure out what was wrong

Crying out the pain

Whenever I hear our song

Low and lifeless I dont know what to do

Even I close my eyes I see you

The sky is grey which once blue

I cant belive that this is true

Waking up on another side of the bed

Realizing that I have to let you go

Deleted everything we did and what you said

But where I go my heart is till cold

.... gone

family tree...

Have you guys ever wonder who were your ancestors? Mine was traced from China ,Guangzhou. My Great Great grandfather was named Yim Tuck Long. I think it was dated around the 18th century the era of Manchuria. He was a judge like his dad( My Great Great Great Grandfather whom I don't know his name). He had servants and a big Chinese house. He led a very luxurious life before the fall of the Chinese Empire when the British came before becoming a writer which wrote letters for people who're illiterate. He had a son which is my Great grandfather , Yim Tiok. He inherited a large house which is in a Lychee orchard in GuangZhou, but was taken by the Communist in the point of Mao Tze Thong. He had 9 children. He had 2 children in Guangzhou and had the rest in Malaysia.One of his children tried to run to Hong Kong and later got killed in the war.While my Great grandfather was running away from China due to the war between the British and Chinese Communists, he had lost a child which was only a few days old. He and his wife was on the tongkang(a Chinese fishing boat) for 7 days and nights to reach here. They reached Melacca and had a life here while the war was still going on in their hometown. They had 6 children here. When their children turned 11, they took 3 of them back to China to join the army or something. And so they were separated by their parents and 3 siblings (one of them is my grandfather, Yam Cheng Wah) here in Malaysia to head back to China. After a few years later, my Great Grandfather became good cook which his speciality was Siew yok( fried Chinese pork belly) and many others. He was well known as a famous chef but he had a bad gambling problems. He was always lost and doesn't come back home for months. My grandfather was a teacher when he finished school till now. He didn't had much that time.He taught in many schools in Melacca and started dating my grandmother. Her father was a contractor in Pahang and later settled down here in Melacca. She wanted to continue schooling but was prohibited by her mother at the age of 13. She later worked at her fathers sewing shop and there she will see my grandfather cycle to work everyday. My grandfather always visit her shop just to see her. Not long later they got married and had 3 sons. They were my uncles and my dad Yam Chong Min. They lived with my great grandparents and a few other people who're sharing the house with. They were so close and somehow had a "family bond " between them. They stayed at a shop lot which was near the beach and today the house still exist. They had a large garden at the back. They had a happy life which the garden was full of pigeons , rabbits and many others. It was some sort like a mini zoo in the back of the house. When there are school holidays, my grandfather occupies his free time making kites and selling his pigeons. My dad went to Melacca Highschool which was prestigious school back then. He was involved in gangsterism but luckily bounced back from it. He was in a terrified gang in his school. He was a smart guy and went through STPM before coming to Kuala Lumpur. He met my mom who is a very naive city girl and got married. A year later they had me.....hahahahahahha and six years later my sis. The End. This is my family history and will never be apart from me.

...roots of origin

you seem to just cant accept..

Sometimes after a relationship you just wanna put things behind and just don't have the will to start over. But in some other people, they just cant seem to get over that relationship and will do whatever it takes to have a second chance. Maby you just cant understand how that particular person feels or how the other thinks. Well, I just know this. When someone just broke up, things will not go away in just a blink. People need time to just sleep it over for a few weeks or months. Some I know takes years. (Trust me it is not easy to forget someone you love in an instant).Due to this unbearable phase of a break up, that person definitely wants a second chance to make it all worked out like the way before.What if the other person doesn't wanna continue anymore? Understanding in this scenario is very important to solve this problem together. When the other person is not willing to continue and the person doesn't understand the message, it could be rough. In my opinion, the person who is not giving up and the person who is not willing to continue in this relationship has to make it clear to both sides and talk it out. I know tears will fall and hearts will be hurt again but it all comes down to understanding what each other wants. Although you guys are not a couple anymore, this problem cant just be hanging here forever. I will lead to misunderstandings or just like me no ending at all. Make everything clear before it gets worse...

...concern friend

the art of ignoring and the hope of love

The letting go of someone you onced love is painful. Just imagine two at the same time. I was just talking with some friends and there you came and as usual I went away. I think you start to get the message now but I am doing this is because I want to see your reaction and how long this will eventually end. The another reason is because of SPM. I don't want things to tangle up with you in this critical year. I guess I am doing you a favour to let me go easier rather than sudden disappearance. I just don't want you to accept the fact that I'll be there forever by your side. There are better things out there and waiting for you to enjoy.I don't blame you for ignoring me and showed me signs which is not too good. I admit it was very sudden and i was caught up a lil bit. Its actually up to you to decide. I am strong enough to accept the fact. Ignoring a person is difficult when one party is doing it but if both parties and doing the same thing it wouldn't be that hard. Anyways, for the other one.... I am glad to hear from you that you are enjoying yourself and taking a break you truly deserve. I really want to see you again and just sit down and have a talk with you.I still cant forget you and what we did. I know this is going nowhere but I really felt it has a slight chance it does. Hoping that a second chance is given to me now or a life later.

.... waiting for a lifetime

2008 yearbook...one left and back to school = tons of work

I was so happy today because school is finally here. I really missed school and spent time just rotting away during the holidays. We got our yearbooks which was 6 months late(all because of the editorial board) and also our test papers. I was satisfied with my marks which extremely boost my confidence and morale to study for the big exam. As soon as everyone got their yearbooks, we were exchanging it and signing one anothers. It was a great sight when everyone comments about one another and everyone was very happy. Since the signing thing wasn't finished, everyone decided to continue tomorrow. Today was a day when my dear friend(this time not joanne), was so sure of himself that you only have to do one question in Paper 3 of physics ended up losing a total of 12 makes. He was so frustrated and full of disbelieve which made him argue and cursing for the whole period. He soon accepts the fact but wasn't happy about it at all. While everything went normal today, I had a shocked when I did quite well in my EST. I was happy even though everyone had high makes too. The amount of work after our holidays was madness. En. Ariff had just dropped a ton of work on us which is PEKA for physics and due on Wednesday. I had completed all of the work but still needs a allot of touches here and there. The workload was all very sudden but when there is work there is results. Next came a problem when I have to fake 4 picture of the Chinese new year for my moral project. I am now currently cracking my head on how to do a perfect fraud of this picture which will make the examiners believe it. On the other hand, my moral projects aren't quite finished yet and needs work. Today I don't think that I'll be sleeping so soon because I'll have to bun midnight oil to get the job done.

....happy and pre-stressed

a closed door...

Close a door and a few will open. I have closed my door on you and I hope to see some of those doors I wanted open for me. I have just started to move on but I admit its hard. There are moments where everything becomes quiet and all I see is things that remind me of you. At first I tried to fight it but the more I fight the fact, the more harder its gonna be. I took a deep breath and smile through it all. Wherever I go there is always something that will make me smile. Although it didnt work out, I hope you'll be happy. If one day we will meet in the future somehow, it will all come back and we will start over. I am a person who believes in fate and I have a feeling that it will happen. Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. While I put it on a shelf in the middle of my heart, I really hope that my SPM results will be flawless. If it doesn't turn out the way it suppose to be, I would be devastated and it would deeply hurt my parents. I don't want this to ever happen. I wanna make it and hopefully doors of becoming a pilot will open for me. When I shut the door to our feelings, I hope that other doors for you will also open. I will continue to visit the spot that I have once closed and locked beneath.

....locked away but never forgotten

What comes around goes around...

There is a song which is sung by Justin timberlake "What comes around goes around". I started to think does this really happen?Does it really exist? Recently an incident had happened and I wonder should that person gets the taste of their own medicine in the future. But for me, I gotta say It really does happen. Once I had done something really bad(reaaaaaallllyyyy bad and you don't wanna know) and It had started to take action on me. I wasn't sad or anything but I knew this situation which I'm heading to will somehow find its way to heal itself. For example you cheated your relationship with someone and that someone found out. But in the end that someone who you cheated for cheats you when you caught that someone with someone else. I know it sounds complicated but seriously It sometimes happen. As funny it may sounds, all you can do is just laugh it out. Pretend that nothing had ever happened and just learn the lesson.Losing a person you dearly love due to cheating is very painful and angry. The feeling is full of regret and you will lose all of your self confidence in the process. But one of my friend quotes " What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". The more you've been hurt the more you will be stronger in your emotional state. I wrote this post for my dear friend and I hope she could be strong whenever a hurtful relationship has already taken place and have the will of standing up after a fall.

PS: Just remember what comes around always go around...

......heartbreak + merry go round

Cahaya Cup..

I spent this holiday playing basketball. It was tiring but fun as always. The first match was with KDU. We won. 36-0. (lol cause got 3 import players ma....heheheh) I wasnt happy winning that match cause it wasn't hard work. On Wednesday, we versus USJ 4. We only had 6 player.There was this tall girl who likes to shout. As you guys know that I'm not easily annoyed, this time that girl made me. I got hit and elbow-ed on the chest and a couple falls here and there. The worst thing is I slightly sprained my bad ankle. I was so worried but continued on. It was a good match and Amelin went in a couple of balls so as I. Unfortunately, there are no import players this time. We hurdled on and didn't know why we "kai-ed" alot. The free throws that were give to me didn't go in. I started to ask why. I got upset because out of 4 free throws I only went in one. With all the teams help and a sudden semangat, at the 3rd quarter we were on fire. We fought hard and the match was close. Out of the blue, we won 13 - 8. I was like really happy but super tired to celebrate it. I am very happy with my team because they really went all the way today. Some of then wanted to sit on the bench and some was not in a good mood. I think I pushed them harder than before and we succeeded. Finally I saw the potential of our school team. We went into the quarter finals which is a huge achievement to our school because we are know to be not as strong. Today we had 2 matches. I've made new friends. They were very nice and very playful. We teased Joanne alot because we were bored. The first match of the day was with Permata. The game was the most tiring and the most "chi kik" we tied and tied till the very last second. That game was priceless and I am really happy to play that game. Although we lost 32-28, that was the greatest game I've played in years. We had a record which we lost to Permata each year but the most closes to break that record was this game. I wasn't disappointed but happy to play the game which at least have a chance of winning them after a long streak. After a few hours of rest, we were in the court again but this time its with Segar. I haven't heard of Segar ever till now. They were winning every game even with the strong teams. That moment onwards , our "semangat" was low but we quickly distract ourselfs that It was just a game so we played like normal. Surprisingly almost all of my free throws went in I was happy and got my " semangat " higher. Unsurprisingly we lost 41-17 but we didn't "kena" "telur ayam" . According to Gary, they had to be punished because they let us went in a couple of balls. That team is really strong and I am proud to make it this far even though we didn't win the cahaya cup. Tired and happy that's all I can say. 

......not bad of a loser

Over..

Years of loving you

Left me alone in the dark

Thought you'll light it up

But eventually It has gotten darker

I called and texted

As always no reply

At first I couldn't cope with the misery

I've cried for days and nights

No difference my tears make

Instead of missing you and hoping of something 

I made a conclusion

Since we're already like this

There is no way of repairing this

Its better to let go

Cause I've been blaming myself for everything

There is no difference with or without you

I have become stronger by the scars that I've been hurt

Every starting must have an ending

There is no ending which you've gave me

I made one now

Thoughts that came to my mind with you

Which were sweet now stings

I deserve something  better than you

Its stupid cause after a few years now

I just realized

Things that I've done for you never meant a thing

Its just a promise which I blindly made

All that said is now done

Bye...

...not coming back

letting go...(finally)

I've finally let go of all of those bad memories in my life. I'm now happily moving on after a couple of years now. I'm finally over you and everything. I don't wanna hear from you anymore and all of those scars I'll will heal it myself. Thanks for the memories. Hope you'll be happy cause I am now. I want you to know I'm now stronger without you by my side. Happily moving on. I've been thinking and came out with a solution. I will never regret this. I will remember you but not love you anymore.  This date 4th of June 2009 will always be in my mind. I've deleted all of "us" along with your messages. Since you didn't say goodbye and left me like this. I am now saying goodbye to you. BYE!!!

....the bruised and battered but somehow won the battle

confused...

Sitting here alone thinking

What have it could have been

Others may regret

But I didn't ever come close to it

Things had happened

Time had passed

Can we all just move on and forget what was there

I cant seem to get you

The more we're apart the more we're cold

The harder I push the more pain I felt

Why do I keep pushing something so important to me further away

I've neglected feelings since this had happened

But its ok dont worry about me

I'll be ok

All I need is time

...broken

Déjà vu...

We had a match against Kdu during the cahaya cup competition. It was raining and everyone got wet.The one who is taking the most precaution is me because i had very bad experiences slipping and falling off my back during a training last year. I was terrified. Not too long ago, I fell during the school house basketball competition. I jumped and badly fell on my left leg. The pain was excruciating. I got subbed and not long I went back in because its my last year here and I wanna get champion. Although it was only an inter house competition, it meant more to me than winning MSSD. Weird rite?? When the competition is over, I refused to go to the doctor but my leg was swelling like an elephants.  At first I thought it was gonna be fine after a few days but the next day I couldn't even walk. I couldn't even limp. I cant sleep and I cant go downstairs to watch TV. That day I got scared  so I went to the doctor. The doctor said I tore a tendon and I over strained another tendon. After a few weeks  it was getting better but now as good as before. I still feel the pain when my leg goes to a certain angle. I asked the doctor again but he said it depends. Since the west cant help me so I went to the east. I asked the "tit da lou"(Chinese traditional doctor) and told him about it. He took my leg and gave me the most painful massage ever and I had to come back tomorrow to do it again. That was really sad but the worst is still not there. I cant eat alot of salty,sweet, sour, food (nice food for short)and the only thing i can eat is porridge . Only porridge for two weeks. When I heard that I was like " Waaaa need anot wan ar??? Cannot eat this Cannot eat that!! Hello this is Malaysia le... So many nice food where can tahan." I got so upset but never obey those orders. Now today, I sprained my left leg again but it wasn't so bad as before. The strange feeling came back and I'm starting to worry. Haiyo levia yam... why so "lun chun"..

Moral of the story is : Don't be too careful because you will eventually suffer if god wants you to suffer...

.....Cacat-ed!!

school holidays = restless

School holidays.... The most boring part of my life. I got tons of work to do but there is no mood there. I felt really tired all the time and the worst thing is tomorrow is Cahaya Cup. I feel kinda excited and sad because its maby the last time I'll ever play basketball in a match. I felt sad about this but we cant have everything rite?? As time moves on, I enter a stage where I don't wanna do anything but just lay on my bed and close my eyes. I am easily distracted and its hard to concentrate during the school holidays. They said school holidays are the best time ever because there is no waking up in the morning and studying in school. Well there is not much of a difference to how I am spending my school holidays. I wake up at 8am (dunno why cant sleep I guess). I do my moral projects and study. Why is everyone so excited during the school holidays? I really cant understand this. For all my life I wish there is no school holidays because I love school so much and I want to spend all my time in school.

....weird but true