The 10 things I hate bout myself...

I've made this list cause I feel that I've been an ass. I'm sorry. By sorting out these issues with myself I hope I could be a better person.

1. I wanna go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do without thinking of others.

- this had happened for quite sometime now and I've noticed from a third persons view that

I seriously dont give a damn of stuff around me as long as I'm fine.

2. I have the habit of playing mind tricks with people.

- I might give you a message of something's going on but later forget bout it when I find

someother to mess with. I let you in and push you out when I'm bored.

3. I lie with my eyes open and keep a straight face doing so.

- I have an ability to tell lies and it is impossible to tell the difference. You dont know

whats real and fake. It's my defense mechanism. Its a habit. Its an instinct.

4. I make empty promises.

- I have made a ton of promises which are somewhat important to you but it's only

important to me in that moment only. I have lost count on how many of them not

fulfilled.

5. I suddenly get upset bout stuff for no particular reason.

- I have a roller coaster mood swing and I could be up in your face or by your side.

I could be upset easily when I expect something is coming but switch roads.

6. I have a terrible rage.

- You made me pissed the first time its cool. You made me pissed the second time you better

watch your back. The third time you make me pissed I'mma backstab you in every

oppourtunity I have.

7. I hold onto things really badly

- I hold onto stuff for a very long time and I am very determined and stubborn about

pursuing it. I never back down even everything asks me to.

8. I am a perfectionist.

- I get pissed off when things arent done right or turned out what I have in mind.

9. I silently hate people and never tell why is that so

- I secretly hate you and everytime I see you I feel like I'm wasting daylight entertaining you.

I never tell anyone why and leave thing unsolved.

10. I keep everything in my heart

- Even my best friends of more than 10 years dont know who am I. I never tell the anything

bout me. I always live in a shadow. I tell then nothing bout my life.

I think from reading this you dont wanna be my friend anymore. But this is the ugly side of me. I hope that this doesnt effect on what you think about me. I'm trying to change. I really am. This list in my 2011 resolution to becoming a better person the world can love.

... the ugly me

Cant sleep..

I felt tired. Just wanna close my eyes and float away to somewhere which I was familiar with. As I close my eyes I felt different. Like somebody who the world had never seen. A living shadow. A white phantom who floats along with the mists of the morning. All seem to real when I feel or experience something which was not even there for the reality but as a creation in my twisted mind. A great gift which no one knows and treasure. Nobody but me. Some fantasy which makes me realize something more than others as they overlook the finest detail of time. Experiences. Moreover feelings. They always label something so subjective yet similar to ones eyes. Ones feelings and situations. Without labels there will be no clue of explanation of the feeling or moment described. Can something so subjective which we go thru everyday of our lives be labeled? Be categorized and be judged? As I turn from side to side I feel there is no border. No boundaries where dreams often tangled up with reality. I live in delusion. Often dangerous where it tend to claim lives and souls who cant seem to take it anymore who jumps to hell from the very top of the building straight through ground puncturing the earth's crust all the way to hades lair. I know some did. As things makes us more delusional, do we know the difference anymore? I woke up in the crack of dawn. Seeing the sky pitch black wondering if its night or day without looking at the face of time which draws borders in our lives. The more civilized the more borders society draws. Will early stone age men know what are borders? Boundaries? They simply act at his own will and let life takes him where he ends up. He doesn't care if the heavens or hell will accept his soul when he dies. Realizing all of this, I know there are no borders with you. I know how you feel even you're a lightyears away. I feel you. Is there anyone could explain to me how does this happen? Or am I delusional?

...on the border of fantasy and reality

I'm kinda sorta maybe happy???!!!

I havent felt like this for a long time now. I developed a feeling towards you and I, at always have to take control of myself. I really like you but I cant go further. You're not what I thought I'll be falling for cause you're not like any other as I've seen. You're special and this quality that you have is extremely rare. I'll say yes if you want to but currently I cant. I'm not that type of girl. Be true to yourself and be true to others. I dont wanna cheat my way to your heart. Not again. I dont want this to happen. I know. I paid my price. It seems that I'm rather afraid that this year would end. I wonder what will it be like the next? Will it be happier? Will it be more exciting? I seriously dont know. I'm glad what I prayed for came true. You got what you wanted. Something which makes you happy. To tell you honestly, every time I pray and wish for something is that you'll be happy even I'm not there. Live a happy life and just be the person who I know you are. Congratulations you archived it. I will always remember you as if it had left something in my heart. Times like these are the most beautiful and times like these are the most heartbreaking. I have times which I had broken down and I had times I built myself up. This is your time... Good luck..

...mr. ?, prayers, and an old friend.

Moving on...

I'm so totally absolutely over B. But I wont forget bout B. Remember what is was and hope to experience it again. I guess I had gotten over something which I had been holding onto for about 4 plus years now... I am proud of myself.. Bye..

...its gone all gone :)

You had to know..

I have a confession.

Now that you're gone I dont feel sad.

Eventhough its far too late.

Very soon that you know what I truly feel .

Everyone cant see through me but you did.

Rather ridiculous but I promise you its true.

Saw you for the last time a year ago.

Thought everything will be ok. But it didint.

Odd enough you invited me there. I went.

Presumably you thought I'll stay with you but no. I left.

Lost you and there's no turning back.

Of course you already forgotten about me.

Very reluctantly I still held on.

I woke up today and the feeling is gone.

Nothing I could remember of you.

Going away without saying goodbye I had to do to you.

You're soon gonna be half way around the world.

Obviously you wont miss me.

Unbearable truth I coming towards me. What can I do to ask you to stay?

...the hidden message.

PS: Read all of the cap. letters.

What can I do?

How I wish that I have the powers of GOD for only a day. Everything will be different. Everything will not be hidden anymore. The truth will be unleashed. I seriously don't know what to feel. Should I feel insecure again or feel relieved that you're gonna leave? Should I break down and cry my hear out or should I just stare at the moon saying my goodbyes. I have come to a conclusion. I cant do anything to change the fact. Even with the powers of god I still wouldn't do it. I guess now I understand that when you love someone too much it will fail terribly. You cant hold onto someone forever. Even you have found your true love and lived happily forever someone must die first and leave the other alone. Nothing is forever. I knew it a long time ago but kept it from myself. Even my message to you I haven't got a reply after a week. I guess its easier for everyone. I know. I understand.

...the hands of god

The Immortal...

I was born and I was given love at the very first breath. I grew older and met people with a different kind of love. Friendship. Later at 9, I had a passionate love. Love of sports. I decide to give as much love as I can as it also loves me back. I was really on top of the world with this love. Its like nothing will ever stop me from loving it. All of it. Later I got a pet dog and I fell love when it licked my face and its cute fluffy fur. I melted. It was different. I had to take responsibility to love it. That kept me loving it for years. Later I was struck with love at my very first sight at 14. Te feeling was out of this world and it did gave me some kind of secure and insecure sense of my state. I was heads over heels. I never felt this before and I wanna to know more. As soon as I reach a year older, I was overwhelmed with joy. Something made me know that I wasn't alone feeling this. I was caught off guard and remembered every moment of it. Its like embedded in my mind and no matter how much I tried to shake it, it would never leave. That love for that year was out of this world. The amount of words I put to describe it is never enough to paint the exact feeling or situation I was in. I indeed was in cloud 9. Floating as if I could never fall back to earth. The year ended and I though love was going to fade away. I cried and I though it was over. When I was 16, I fell in love again. This love wasnt like the first one. I loved and later it grew paler and paler as time goes by. I dont understand how could the first love be more powerful than the second as I spent more time with the second. I still couldnt understand why. I tried to find the reason why by analyzing and asking a million of questions where nobody could answer me. All I got was 'fate'. That made me think. How could the first be so choreographed and sculpted to perfection and then burned by the flame of misery and the devil, time. Though it was all caught in flames, the spirit and the soul still remains. It came back and hunt me from time to time where I still have images of you. I kept having dreams till reality for me had gone blurry. There are time I hallucinate in broad daylight and feel things that weren't there at night. I had a problem. I knew I needed help. I called a friend and she made me wake up. For only a moment. Then I was then back to my old habit again. Now I have no love. No love for anything and everything is meaningless to me. Just a black shadow. I live in darkness. A world with no colour. When I knew, I count the days till you leave for something more important. I knew this had to come. I am prepared. I will break down and that moment will stick to my mind. I will continue on my life and do whats best for me. Go to UK and perhaps work there if its possible. Then I'll save a lot of money and migrate to where you are. Staying in San Francisco or New York. From every free time there I'll find you with clues you gave out. I will live hunting. And when all hope is lost I will watch upon you from far. Knowing that you're always happy and have a great life. Life with no regrets. Whatever it takes. Like a guardian angel looking after you. When I die at around 82, I'll take my last breath and close my eyes with the memory of you. The thought of you. And everything that I loved. This is love. Love is the immortal.

.... my immortal

Change...

Not everything is forever and innocent anymore... There are places and people who we're gonna meet and probably change the way we are. I admit that change is a very powerfull thing and it has not right or wrong direction where its headding. I got emotionally affected by this as what we knew never stays the same forever. Eventhough we're the same person. I am greatly shocked and dissappointed for you. We knew each other for a loooooooong time and based on that I thought I had know you indise and out. But no. Not anymore. I have opened my eyes to the real you. The person who you're gonna be and the distance as it gets further and futher apart. I dearly miss you. I want to be right back where we were innovent and everyone was happy. No bullshit. No lies. No backstabbing and No politics. I really got fed up with all of you and there were time I given up. I dont want to be near or around you anymore.can you just be the past and stay there. Sounds like I've changed. I admit I have. Well as change is what we cant avoid or divert to. I'm sorry to say that I dont want to be in your world anymore.leave me in peace where I could only change for good and be good till theday I die. I dont want to end up like you. I dont need help from my parents or my friends. I must learn to stand firm before it is too late. I need to learn it the hard way. I dont blame my parents of being the devil sometimes. I really appreciate it. I hope that you guys see this clearer than fantasy cloud-ing your sight now. Its never too late.

...for better or worse, for richer or poorer

What have I gotten into??

Status


Days passed and comes the time to update my dusty old blog.. So during the weekends I went to Ipoh for no certain reason. Randomly too. I woke up and my dad said pack your bags we're going to Ipoh. Quite frozen and in denial but I followed. I didnt wanna go because acconting exams were on monday. That freaked me out but I packed it along. Reached there and I was stuffed with Ipoh's local food 24/7. I never felt hungry or something close to it. I got so hyper and drank 2 iced white coffee one after another. Lastly went to a nearby waterfall and spent quite some time there. It was beautiful and relaxing. But the accounts was still in my mind. What a I to do? The next day back home I woke up at 5.30 am just to study accounts. And the test took its place a few hours later. I got a good feeling that I passed my coursework. God help me. I need all the luck I need.

... prayer

Dream I

This happened the day before Ipoh. You were in some dinner and I say you. I was in the corner standing and was looking for something to do. No one there was familiar to me and there were crowds of people which I havent met before. Weird I was there. Attending it. You were talking to somebody and I saw you. Your friend left. You suddently turned to my direction. I saw you but I didnt look away. That moment was what I remembered last time when it had happened a few times. That feeling came back again. That dream still echoed my mind as I see it everytime whenever I close my eyes.

...why??

Shittyness and disappointment...

Yesterday my grandma had some severe eye sore and at 12 midnight my mom rushed her to the nearest clinic for treatment. Unfortunately, many of them were closed. Finally she went to a hospital. The doctor said that my grandma may have a ruptured nerve or a mini stroke. For better consultation she was advised to got to Uni Hospital. They came back at almost 2 am in the morning. Actually it doesnt happen like that at first, the actual reason that this happened is because of my dumb-wit uncle and my nonsensical aunt who had a fight with her causing her to get so stressed out and in tears. The verdict? A scenario about some maggie me. I mean WTF?!! Nevermind.. Today I was awaken by my grandma's phone call. She said that her eyes were worse and needed help. I jumped out of bed and told my mum. We rushed there and took her to our house to wait for my dad and granddad to come back. We thought that nobody was home then but... my irresponsible aunt was. WoW... Later around 12 ish we went to Uni Hospital and waited for the consultation. Almost 4 hours wasted there doing nothing and my grandma was in so much pain till my heart start to feel heavy. All I can do is watch and there nothing that I could do to make it go away. I felt stupid and useless. But I kept hoping that she'll be alright. The general doctor called the eye specialist to come and consult and there another hour had gone. Later check-ups were made and she was then admitted to the hospital. While settling down there we went and ate and to get her stuff from her house. Now this part is just wrong and sickening. While I help my granddad to pack, my fucking uncle and his asshole wife were watching tv happily as if nothing was happening. They knew that my grandma had admitted to the hospital but in them I DIDNT see a glimpse of EMPATHY OR CURIOSITY OR JUST PLAIN FUCKING ANYTHING IN THEM. I mean WTF man you fucking mom is in the hospital in so much fucking pain which you are responsible off and you are giving the I DONT GIVE A FUCK attitude right infront of you dad. Just plain cold creatures and to top it off my granddad was so disappointed till he wanted to move out and live alone rather than to put up with a FUCKING BASTARD SON WHERE HE THINKS HE IS SO FUCKING GREAT. Well if anything happens I WILL NEVER FORGIE YOU AND I DONT EVER WANT ANY FUCKING THING TO DO WITH YOU as I already know you are some fucking monster which I was so unlucky I was related to you. The FUCKING uncle which I dont wanna have. YOU MADE EVERYBODY'S DAY!! THANKS MOTHAFUCKER!! If she knew she had a son like you she rather stuff you up her pussy when you were still a fucking child with nothing. Be carefull before karma turns around and bite you in the ass and your nuts.

...old people are still people asshole!!

ps: Be good to old folks and never abandon then or push them away because without them you will be on some fucking period pad and in some dried up cum in some firkin toilet bowl...

The End

I guess you got what you want. Though heavy hearted, I have to make it the best of it. Next year is gonna be different. Very different. I hope you do well this time. And I think this is much better for you rather than what you had originally planned. I hate this phrase and most of the time I never ment this but I just want you to hear me say it : I'm happy if you're happy. This sentence takes alot of me to say it out. Neverless mean it. I cant cry anymore. Maybe its too early to do so. I bet you're jumping on your bed happily. Just cant believe things passes by so fast. I just wanna see you for one more time. Just once. I gotta let go....

...words from a heavy heart.

The End

The status of a girl and her basketball...

I dunno what made me crashed yesterday... I cant sleep.. I cant do anything. I had so much to tell you but I didnt have the chance to do so. When there is a chance right infront of me, I'm afraid to speak or open my mouth. I get all twisted.. Tied up.. and you went away. I'm afraid that what I say to you I couldnt take back ever. Or risk losing you. I'm so fucked up. I bet this part of the story would never reach you. Never been said or remembered by anyone but me. Ok done with the sad part now comes the good part... Hahahaha... My best friend and my best friend are together. So I'm darn happy.. Lol.. I admit it might be weird but I hope everything stays the same and us joking around and talking crap. I've seen it coming last sem already but I dont wanna spoil the moment..Hahaha. I saw all the signs and hints but for the fun of it... Kept quiet. I've always been quiet. Back to me.. I have to study ITS. I REGRET not listening and skipping lectures. I am uneducated. I have to put my foot down and stand firm. I want an average 3.65 cgpa for me diploma. I want to go to UK. I want alot of things which I only can get for myself. My expectations are really high and flaws are not acceptable. Basketball training is on thursday and I am going. I'm afraid that at 9 pm in TBR is gonna be scary since the crime rate there is high and there are lesser busses at that time. I'm afraid. Hope that nothing is gonna happen. I am too young to die or have some phycological problem or knocked up. I'm afraid..will you tell me its gonna be ok? Would you care...I guess you dont even know or ever less care... Just wanna say the fire in me had not been burned down. I'll keep playing..Playing for you... To remember you.. To have the feeling of the game again...

The ball has feelings... Just treat it right and it will go where ever you want it to go.. - you

...the basketball story

ignored message...

I recently texted you because I was wondering how are you and what have you been up to. Just curious but I waited and waited till the next morning. No reply. This is not the first time this had been happening but I am sure you received my message but you refuse to reply. I wonder why? This is not the first time you have done this but I dont go paranoid about it because there are maybe other circumstances where you cant get back to me. I was trashed. A simple reply makes a big difference and make someone feel better. Eventhough there were things which had rattled our relationship but I am not that immature self which puts the past behind and be forgotten. I wanna remember you. In all of the ways you were. To tell you the truth. I definitely missed you. I wanted to see you. But I'm sorry you cant come first. You'll always be the second. I got over it and I bet you did too. Eventually you'll find out what was happening all along under your blinded sight. I think you knew. Thats why you wanna forget me. I understand. It was selfish. I think there is still a lil spark left by me in your heart. You just hid it from everyone including yourself and the world around you. Everyone but me. I felt it before. I know. Just dont want it to end like this. Maybe in the future where we meet again and say our goodbyes to before its too late to see you again. I want it to be memorable. Like B. It was picture perfect but Cinderella has to back early before her magical spell vanishes in your eyes reveling the timid truth about her. Always a victim of time. Your archenemy. Your demon. My reason for not being there for the both of you. Its more safer this way before you plunge too deep beyond returning to reality. I'm sorry if its too late.

...the call of my ringtone

The box...

I have a confession... I just wanna tell my deepest darkest secrets to someone. Someone who would never judge me on my actions and I know that they will forgive me at the end. Without worrying that my secret will leak out to the public and accept me for who I am. And the aftermath, I feel much better. Cant believe I'm wishing for a box with some random person inside to make me feel better. It can be any species of box, red box, wooden box,tall box, small box, tissue box, cardboard box, Xbox... hey??!! that's not it... LOL.. I'm not a spiritual person but I want a confession box. Inside that box will hold all of my secrets after I have done telling them and later just close it and put it away. When anyone opens it up, its empty. When I open it, it is also empty. As t helps me to forget what I have said and to move on. Its stupid to wish for a box. But I bet it will somehow help me.

all it takes is a call..

I know its stupid. Farfetched.Disgusted. But I know now what I am. What I am capable of. All grown-ed up. I cant hold onto things which was already gone 3 years ago. I have to move on. And I realize that someone special has taught me things which I had thought her sometime back. The student teaching the teacher. Hahahaha... Thanks J. You made me realize. I deleted B's blog and everything which I was holding on related to B. Its final. I need someone to pull me out of this. I'm stronger. I dont wanna know so much anymore. Its tiring.

..no more waiting for a change

Dream 2...

I woke up from yet another strange dream. This time I was in some type of campus or school Everything I hear ends with an echo and the sight feels dreamy. I was in school. About to get ready for my basketball match. I got my red jersey in my bag. I went to the toilet to change into my jersey as the match is beginning soon. It was actually a shack. Cold and badly built which has only cement floors which has been stained by the water it had bathed it for ample time. As I began to change, a guy walks in. I shouted at him. "Hey its a girls toilet la." He went out with an akward stare. Not long later another guy walks in, this time I got pissed. I told him off and took my stuff to the guys toilet to change which was empty. I went in and came across some guys who asked me to go out. I started to panic as I had only 10 seconds to get into the court to play. I didnt wanna change and time zapped through my thoughts as I was thinking of what to do. Times up. The whistle was blown. There were the howls and boo's thrown at my face. I was dumbfounded. I was hated. I knew what they expect from me. I didnt give myself to them. I was a wasted player who fretts and stammers. A loser. Then things were a flashing white light. I was on a bus ride to somehwhere. I look out at the window looking at the scenery of a sports day happening without a presence of a loser. I felt left out. But not emotionally. I went to the principals office and I was told that I was suspended from any sporting event ever for my whole life. I took it and went out of the room with a straight face. No tears. No words. Just a heavy lump in my pressure building chest. Then I saw B. Smiles are brought back to sully face. But still emotionless. B approached me and whispered into my ear. "I did it." B took my hand and led me up to a stairway. Used only for emergencies it was empty and dark but still visible through a ray of light from a high window. B sat down on the stairs. B werent speaking but you knew something was wrong with me. Something you see beyond what my face shows. Only you knew how. I hugged B but you wernt in motion.In a trance but B didnt repel. Soon B gave in and held me too. B said " Come away with me'. Soon B left but a folder of papers had taken B's place. I took it and went to my study table to examine it. It was full of brochures with B's pencil scribbles on it. As if B was guiding me to the plan that B had created. There was a flyer of B's campus which looks like it was on a highland with dutch-like designs to it. B circled a course. Economics. Lolz. Smiles and sillyness of B was on my mind. As I look further, there was a promotional leaflet of a macbook pro. Markings on the paper were "You I'll be needing this. Its around 4000." To my amazement you knew what I wanted. But I had already bought it. And lastly details of my room rent. B was trying to fake a random room rent so that I'll be staying with B. It says " a friendly room mate, beautiful penthouse overlooking the hills, everything you need plus.. its free of charge." B really knew how to temp me.Then it stopped. I want to leave this shithole soo bad and to just go far far away where you are. But I cant face my parents the fact. Then I woke up. I still could feel B. I know B is around. With me.

...things which are not ment to be said but feel

leaving on a jet plane...

I remembered that day when I thought that you're leaving. I broke down. I got paranoid,crazy infact. I though I was going to lose you. I didnt sleep for a week since that day. Picturing what will it be when there is no chance of bumping into you or to see you again. That swept my smile away. Thank god I had a quite long holiday. But that wasnt enough for me to get over you. When you're gone, not in my sight, thats what I thought but you kept coming back. I was over you then you came. I fell for you again. Till a certain point where you were fed up. I was broken even more. Beyond repair. In despair. That fucked up my life a lil and there goes my scholarship of being a pilot. Now in college away from school and you, I had quite a recovery. Thought I was totally over you. Until, the fact of you going away for real. To someplace beyond my reach across the ocean and through the continent far and wide. Where we are not under the same moon or sun. Its like the distance of a thousand stars. My heart really broke today. I was struggling to hold my tears the whole day and wearing the always protective mask which I have. Though all smiles I was blinded in my own tears. Trying to keep the sadness in my empty soul. All I can feel now is the pressure of erupting. There are times where you can make me go insane and there are times I'm fully human. I keep having dreams which seem so real to be true about you till the line between fantasy and reality blurs. I'm trapped. I cant see the line anymore. I'm blinded. I had to keep myself busy. Had alot of coursework to do. Hope its enough to keep my thoughts busy. To think of it I had to let you go. I knew it all along but I keep lying to myself that the date would never come. All of this seems useless when your truth slaps me in the face. I want you to move on. See the world and experience new things. But all of your future and happiness comes a price. My pain and my sanity. I am willing to give that to you. Whatever you want. Errrhemmm... I'm choking on my tears. Tears tears tears everywhere. Its peeling from the corer of my eyes now. I better stop. I need a moment. Go... just go.

...the last heartbreak

The Final Phase

All of the heartbroken-ness and the tears had finally come to an end for me. I still miss you and wish things could have been better. I want whats best for you. A future but without me being there to enjoy and witness all of the barriers and celebrations with you. To see you smile and lightened up again after a heavy storm is like I'm about to drown and in complete darkness and somehow there is life being implemented into my dead body. If you're wondering I had being broken and somehow I managed to put back all of the pieces not completely but it starts to take shape. Picking the sharp shards of broken glass with wounded hands is what its like. I glad to say I had lived through a heartbreak the first one and followed by a broken crush. I actually feel more stronger and less afraid of what this earth is gonna throw at me. I'm glad the last thing what you have taught me was to break me and to learn myself how to pick up the pieces. I thank you for that. For everything. I found and old folder in the computer and it was some outdated blog posts and msn chat conversations. I reread it and I was clearly a stupid ass for love. Hahahaha.. silly me :).... I had realized all of this when I met somebody in the lrt.. Somebody I dont know but somehow I sense a connection. Though I'll never see you again you had made me realize that its not over. I still have a long way ahead. More stories and thoughts to come...

Thank you anonymous person in the lrt

...after a bad dream comes a good day

something shocking...

I stopped playing sports and not getting back to it at the moment.... I guess I had to retire my bruised and battered body for something lighter for an older me... haigh my back hurts and my right elbow starts to make some funny cracking noise when I raise and lower it. My left wrist is also retarded... somehow it stopped me from putting hard pressure on it cause it hurts.... I wonder how will I survive till I'm 60 in this condition when I'm 18??!!!!

....curiosity of a battered soul

First post of the month of October...

Recently went to melacca for a makan trip because of missing melacca food to much. I haven been back for almost 8 months and damn things had changed.... The eye on malaysia is taken down... Roads had been rerouted. And also the dataran pahlawan shopping square had also expanded. Wow cant believe that I had been away from that long for so many changes to be made. And going there had made me eat 24/7. I ate 25 sticjs of satay chelup,a packet of nasi lemak kukus with additional kangkung, and 4 puttu piring just ONLY for dinner. To top it of I ate 2 plates of mee goreng and 2 fried eggs for breakfast. That made me sick... lolz That had made me not eating for the whole of monday. Today I just had my sem 1 results and to tell you guys the truth I did quite okey-ish. I got 3 A's and 1 B- and a C+. CGPA of 3.375... I cant believe I pass my accounts. Whatever maybe its just luck I guess... Dont know at the moment whether my result sucks anot cause it;s my first exam in college. Hope this sem I do better. At least all of the subjects seems ok but on paper its another story. Hope I do well.

when I was shaking internally I thought of you,

I was really scared and search for the feeling that you're there,

Everything happened that day I'll use it for the stormy days ahead,

knowing that everything will eventually be ok and just put my foot one after another.

...positivity

post report for sem 1 holidays...

Ahhhh... 3 weeks had gone passed now and I actually have an interesting yet kinda exhausting holiday but the least productive one. First things first I didnt work.. Hahahaha not needed to cause I dont need anything in particular for now.... Got my new laptop and installed gta san anderas in it.. got kinda hooked and finally finished the game... Erm... Owh.. Raya food was ok ok.. Not as nice as usual and now its frikin expensive.. Other than that Shah Alam is like a ghost town. Almost car-less and the street where my house is is really dark as many weren't at home. It was really a quiet raya. But surprisingly Pyramid was packed. Weird??!! Lolz... After raya my grandfather went on a trip with his colleagues to Thailand!! So happy for him!! We encouraged him to go as the fare was cheap and were partially paid by his school. He was a changed person when he came back and so wanted to take me and my sis there to see the things he saw. He was so amazed and happy as he didnt regret going at all. I love him very much... And I had to attend my relatives funeral as she gave way to cancer. She was ill for quite sometime now and she was a really kind and caring lady. I was quite close to her as I use to go to her house way back during my Bukit Jelutong days. Rest in peace... I am glad that she not need to suffer anymore but sad cause she is such a great soul. Later right after the funeral... August's Farewell as he going to uk to study.. I'll miss him though. I wonder one day we will slowly being shipped off to somewhere and there will be farewells to come in the future. Dont forget us 'gus'!!... To sum up my holidays, my great grandfather was admitted to the hospital recently. He is kinda i a critical condition because of his old age. He is 96 this year. I visited him yesterday in Uni Hospital and he was breathing heavily as his lungs are filled up with fluids. Its sad to see him like that as he was fighting for ever breath. Hope he pulls through. To end my holidays, I think that I'll be going back to melacca for a day or 2 just to pleasure myself with the local food there... Hah!! Cher.. I am going back after all... Wan tapau for up anot??? But there is just one thing left in my mind.... When will they upload the sem 2 timetable for SBS??? Hmmmm.. hope its soon as I dunno when and what time I had to be in college to attend my first class in the second semester... Had to work hard already... Have been rotting for 3 months without worries... I actually missed the lrt though...

.. see you soon

Hollow Heart...

When all of these bullshit is over I feel empty. Not as lively and whole as before. No spirit. No future. I rather feel something eventhough it hurts rather than feeling this. I am miserably and officially emotionless. I havent felt like this before. When before I met you, I dont remember anything. Nothing. When I first fall for you I remember everything. I remember you. I at least remember something. I although it always felt like a dream but I kept looking for something to remind me that it was real. Believable. Trustable. Soon I will find you. Eventhough whoever you are is halfway across the earth I'll find you. At least tell you how much you mean to me. Till then I'm free. I'm able to fall in love again.

... confessions of my hollow heart

Grrrrrr.....

I'm so fascinated by how chefs make such good food with some ordinary cheap stuff which they find in their kitchen and turn it into some gourmet dishes which people pay big bucks for.. Really inspiring but there are too many of those fishes in the sea..Much too common. No harm cooking as a hobby. So to make food which I always make taste perfect here's the solution :

Study+ Time+Job=$$$

therefore $$=food (good food)

....just a random post for a food lover

Why do I run?

I notice there is something wrong with me. I tend to run away from things when I have them. I admit it's a problem. I know people had enough of me running but they still kept quiet. I know I felt it too. I just cant stand doing so. I wanna make a confession to all of you. The first thing I'll say is I ran away from my friends. Everytime you guys ajak me go out or do something I always have the habit of saying " Cannot why so last minute?!!" " Huh so far?? Dun wan la" " Cannot la something has come up. Have fun anyways" Familiar right. I know. The main reason is because of my parents. Eveytime when I wanna go out they tend to fight. Its always noisy when I wanna go out. Resulting my mood is spoiled the whole day. I'm not afraid to tell you that I have a very serious phobia.. Worse than butterflies... Its the noise and scene of my parents fighting. Many of you dont understand I'm glad many wont. You dont wanna be in that position. So because of that It's the main reason that I cant go out. I cant go anywhere without supervision and to make things worse I cant do anything bout it. I almost came to a brink of depression but not willing to give in. I believe that I dont have it. Out of curiosity I went and "google" the symptoms of depression. The symptoms matched. I wasnt surprised. I kept denying it. And still is. Another thing is the fact when I had to leave early and out of the blue or in the middle of something. I had to if not I cant go out as much anymore. I felt like being caged. Its cause of a phycological thing which sticks to me... I sorry guys... I really am. I dont think you guys will understand but I really want you guys to.

..house arrest

yay!! for now...

Finally I finished my sem 1 exams... So relieved and the best thing is I dont have to even bother doing time series ( chap in QS, quantitative studies). I'm still glad eventhough I dont have any idea how to do 3 probability questions. I lost 9 marks but wth. I wanna do something while having my 3 weeks of holiday now. I wanna make cookies and lagsania and other stuff which required an overn. I bought a new OVEN!!! Finally, and I could do more kinds of food with it. Other than that, I'm gonna drive the new car that we traded the kenari for. And I'm so excited cause its my dream... brand. Not the car I dreamt of but close enough. Although its around 11 years old but it still works like magic. Cant wait... HEHEHEHEHE!!! I wanna watch moonlight renassaince (ka hou yuet yuen : in canton )again. Still so addicted to it eventhough I had watch it already sometime back. So happy finally a break since I had to get up at 6am just to study the stupid quantitative studies till around 11am. After that, I studied summore in the lrt. If I fail, I dont know what to say. Maybe just give up and do something else. Something which makes me happier than business. Having second thoughts sometimes about the course which I have choosen but I had already gone quite deep in it already. I cant picture myself somewhere with some other friends doing some different course. I have great friends here. I'm lucky. hahahah

Just wanna tell ya'll that have fun bbq-ing!!! and dont drink and drive and dont stay up so late partying without me :)!!!! lolz....

...happy ever after ( for now.... )

The Answer I would die for...

I could break down easily.. Shattered within a second. I could wake up the next day with a smile on my face. I could be the best that I could ever be. Makes everything effortless. Even pain couldnt stop me from doing anything. I was strong and unstoppable. Regardless of anything or anyone who would turn their back on me. Fearless. All of which I am when I'm with you. Perhaps it's love. Or is it just an illusion of what I felt. Now after a few years now I still cant get you off my mind. It's coming back. I may seem disloyal but deep inside I had already given my heart to you. Given everything. It may look like I'm with another but I am darn sure that I could never feel what I felt when I'm around you. Or as simple as talking to you. Severely kept inside my heart for a long time so deep till you cant even see it. I' m sorry. I was wrong. You got hurt. I got a giant scar and swollen eyes from the rain that it had cause me. I believe that its true. It was always there. You just had to keep it inside, deep inside where you dont need to take it out or show it to anyone even yourself. I could bet my life it was there. After all of this I still have hope. I still have strength. I still have the feeling. and the most of all I'm still waiting. I hope that I could find the key that I had lost. I hope I find it soon. I'll find you, somebody, I will take myself half way across the world, hoping to find you. Till then please wait. I know we'll grow old. Will meet many wonderful people and will fall in love. I'm not searching for the love but an answer that I had to know. Wish you well. And be strong for yourself as things in life may hurt you. I cant be there. I cant be seen. But I know I can be felt.

...the interdict answer

all i need is the drive...

Now currently studying microecons I am trying to fight the fact that my bed is calling out for me. I am doing my best to not hear its call. he only thing which stands in its way is the fact that something I have made me realize and be more aware of what am I suppose to do, what is more important and the most important of all the willingness to do something. A drive which I had lost years ago which made me do things I could only imagine. I felt like I was possessed in a good way weirdly and just stop being the usual slacker me which things just slide to me effortlessly. I felt such a cheat when I have control over my imagination and the mentality of my brain. It is when sometimes you just dont control or think what you're doing and just appear in the moment when you open your eyes. Its something that I had not used in a long time and I'm trying to work it out again. I hope that this thing I'm gonna do doesnt have any side-effects and misunderstanding towards others. As it did happened before, I dearly sorry as I was acting with my brain instead f my heart. Anyways, I did have an interesting day and the night had just started. Hope my brain doesnt fries up when I need it so dearly tomorrow.

...mind control freak

really... levia really??!!

I dont know what else to say here but I just felt like updating my blog. I do have a question lurking and lingering around my mind and here it is " Has your dreams somehow had crossed your reality?" For me I dream all the time. That is why I like to sleep and just shut down. I dream of everything I want and actually dream of many happy endings with people who are so special and important to me but I'm not in a chance to be with them. Call me a lunatic but I am starting to lose it. I dont bother whatever is gonna happen in reality as long as I can sleep and dream. I have been questioned by my parents why do I sleep so much till they convince me to see a doctor or something. I guess this is slowing eating my sanity away. I totally freaked out and I'm too blurred. Stuff and places which I have dreamt had actualy came to reality and it freaks me out. Suddently I came across something that was so familiar and I havent been into that place before. Not only places but also people. I wonder if my dreams are actually potential future stuff. Ok now I'm being stupid and farfetched. Its ok to think about weird connections to stuff which actually do happen once awhile.

...symptom : to much 'inception'

the question where many pause when asked...

The magic question.. " Is it worth the feeling of love when you eventually know its gonna hurt?" I was inspired by this question when it hit me as I was reading a blog of my friends. Some may think twice upon answering some might ignore it but a handful others will say yes. I have been amazed how love can transform someone and make people do things they only could dream of. Believe me I had been a believer since it happened. Though it was a long time ago, this thing called love I had not a clue what it was. How it happened and why does people are willing to do amazing and sometimes stupid things caused by it. My amazement about love had left me question the unanswered. To come to think of it, love changes the world and many happenings which had happened had a link to love. Some people fight for it, some die for i and some might even live by it. I know the feeling of it and the feeling of hurt. It not only had give people faith but also the many unsung others scars which they die together with. So if I ever was asked this question this is how I'll reply. " Love doesnt come and go as often. Some had waited forever but it hasnt reached to them. There cant be many who can take hold of my heart and the simple word of I love you could make you tear and weaken your foolish heart. For all of the love I had felt and lost. I think for each second of the presence of love around you in your whole heart. I know it is worth every second of my life that I'm lucky enough to feel it for just once."

Now I know why...

...the most beautiful thing of all mankind

when all you have is a hint of hope left...

After all along, I know that "this" wont happen again. Even if I wanted it so badly, I know deep inside I'm too late to reach out for it. As I dwell along this life I have following the wind wherever it takes me, I hope that somehow I'll end up living life comfortably. I'm just gonna do what I had to do and get myself to where I wanna be. Another 4 more years hanging on here. I'm not gonna lie that it's an easy ride with the memories of you keep dropping by my lonesome mind makes it even harder to concentrate and to see clearly. Certain days when I have great days and certain days having a wrekking week. I could go insane if this keeps going on. I'm clueless. Most of the time I feel so tired by doing nothing. I'm gonna use that lil hope that I have left to put myself out of misery. I'm depressed but trying not to show any of it. To tell the truth I hate answering questions when it is thrown for me to answer. I'm tired. Whenever there is you I hope I'l meet you half way around the world or anywhere else. I want this again. Please hear me out.

..if you ever had the time to listen

crazieee surveys!!! numba 2

Finish The Sentence

Finish The Sentence I love... pure fruit smoothies...

Right now I want... heavy caramalized buttered popcorn

I feel like... shit..

I hate it when... i have to do stuff over and over again for no stupid reason..

I fear... butterflies..

I'm lonely without... my computer/phone/music/astro/dvd\'s

I need... more time....

Today I... didnt do anything...

Tomorrow I'm... gonna study.. I hope...

I just... ate an apple..

I want to meet... Megan Fox...

I'm hungry for... a double GBC burger...

I love it when... it rains

I'm afraid of... commitment and the lost of freedom

I'm listening to... busted

I'm wearing... a hat,shirt,ladies boxers..

I wish I was in... USA!! or venice or rome...

I want to get... everything i want

I can't... forget bout something...

I'm nervous to... call you...(you know who you are)

My Mom thinks I'm... a splitting image of her

My Dad thinks I'm... his so called "son"

I'm happy when... everything with you and me worked out

I'm sad when... shit happens...

I'm disappointed that... I would not succeed

I wish I looked like... myself..

...a lil bit of "me"

a new laptop a new beginning...

Yay !! Now I'm blogging from my new notebook. I just bought it a few days ago in Lowyat.It was my whole paycheck when I collected through working for a few months till May. To my surprise my reaction was like " ok... I got a new laptop. ( silence)" Maybe its just a lil hope lifting thingy which encourages me to study harder and eventually have gifts and places waiting for me. Its not just any acer or dell notebook but its a ..... MACBOOK PRO!!!!! I'm still getting used to the os and to tell you guys the truth its wayyyyyyy better than the windows. Its lesser bullshit and everything is so polished and refined. I'm beginning to fall in love with it as I'm using it. I think I'll wont look at windows at the same perspective again once I have a mac. The trackpad is so frikin awesome and it has a touch screen feeling to it but it doesnt smudges up your screen. The whole thing is around 2kg in weight and its super solid and well built. But there is one thing I have left to say "FINALLY"...

...worth my every 4000 bucks

things which gets me fired up...

1) wanna-bees / fake-ers

2) pms-ing teachers who think they're always right and plain kurang ajar/ bitchy

3) idiots who are just being unrealistic.

4) dumbass bosses who has no right of being a frikin boss

5) people who step on my tail..

...pissed till there is not enough of curse words to express how I feel

PS: for you guys who knew what happened during form two.. currently encountering Catalina numba 2...

dream:1

You suddenly appear out of the blue. It was at night and there is somekind of a party going on but there wernt many people there. Not anyone I know but wandering near the singing stage and there was you approaching me. I was stunned. We somehow ended up in my house and were looking at pictures that we were in the moments together. From there I knew that you had never stop thinking bout me. You asked me to cut all of those pictures and paste it in a book. I suggested that we do a video instead. All you did was smile. I smiled too. I grab you by your waist and pulled you up from the floor that we're sitting on. I still could feel it now as I am typing this. While doing this, you look me in the eye and we both stopped time. We both knew something. But didnt say a word. We went outside and you asked me to wait at the garden while you go to your car to take some stuff. (now this part gets funny) You gave me a gigantic bag of marshmallows which looks like a huge pillow. Seriously. I took it from your hand and you disappeared. ~ I hate it when dreams that were so perfect suddenly has its awkward twist to it which makes it really ridiculous. Anyways, I saw you in my dreams and waiting for more to come.

...when perfect comes an awkward moment

Accounting maniac...

Fine!!Accounting is not my cup of tea but I have to somehow find a way to shove it into my reluctant brain just for the sake of my future. In the way I had put it, in order to live the life I have to do accounts. Just for two semesters and then I'm hopefully done with it with the rest of my life. I am in desperate need of good luck and concentration to pull this semester exams with flying colors. To that I am cramming every possible time into studying accounts before its too late. I really want to get into the deans list and from there I could actually go somewhere with this kinda unique degree of mine to places which I had longed for awhile now. London or the US. I hope to migrate there and get a well payed job to sustain my needs. That's all I'm asking for. I'm not greedy. I dont wanna live in Malaysia although it has soooo many delicious foods I like here but the way it has been run-ed and governed is very unfair and morally wrong. I dont wanna live in a one-sided country. I want equality and modernized thinking of people to be my countrymen. I need the future and it is clearly not here. But no matter where I go I will never forget that where I was raised and where I come from. Looking for the greener grass of the other side of the fence for my life of the future. I hope I'm strong enough to do so and leave all of this behind.

...a love hate affair